Hey hey pretty baby ;)

and just like that you took my breath away without even trying.

I've been smiling ever since, can't wait to see you this weekend. ;)

tug tug TUG some more on my fucking heartstrings why dontcha.

ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.


yeaa, that pretty much sums it up.
it's a hate love sort of thing, I just can't help it.
I can't make up my mind because one day it's good and the next it's not.

You've destroyed my insides.

I don't know what love is, never did apparently.
I do know that it's a mutual thing and it's not just an empty three word phrase.

we were walking down town....

sunday-drive,drive away

Positive outlook
good vibes
even better company. (:

I have two blogs via tumblr but this one is for public knowledge the other is private. Enjoy

xxoo

004.

"Sixteen just held such better days"

and every time I feel okay looking at myself in the mirror I do something ridiculous that makes it that much harder to do so.

I just want these demons to leave my body, mind and soul.

I'm in a fight with myself and it sucks. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

"Breathe hope in me"

Without hope there is nothing left. Hold on tight, it's a fast and bumpy ride.

One day I'll figure out who I am and what I am doing here....until then, well I don't really know. My body is just along for the ride, or so it seems.

I swear I was never this complex up until recently. I want the simple life back. GIVE ME MY IDENTITY BACK !

I don't even know who I am anyone. It's a scary place to be.

"It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man"

003.

"Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply.
'cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it."

This song has been stuck in my head since the show November 13th. I can't get it out and I don't know why. There must be some sort of significance or something...

002.

re-inventing my exit, yeap. Just call me MS. LEADING. It's what I do best, or so they say...

It's currently 1247am on tuesday and well, I can't sleep. Those demons I referred to in my previous blog , yea..they are haunting me at this very moment. I've been robbed of my innocence, it's hard to not think about it. i guess that's good though, I've finally stopped blocking it out and am dealing with the emotional and physical toll it took on me, my body, my youth and my outlook on life. Honestly, you'd think I would be use to it by now. I'm not. To be quite forward, I hope this is one feeling I never get use to. I don't want to give up on fighting it. It may be an uphill battle but right now I feel like I can take on the world. Ha yea, we will see how that turns out.

I just don't want to ruin my new relationships the way I have my old ones. I worry a lot. Mostly about things I really have no reason to. I guess I have just set such high expectations for everyone who wants to be a part of my life that I'm killing myself trying to live up to them as well.

Someone once told me that they were watching me destroy myself right in front of their eyes..well, they were right. They were , they did. They helped bring me there though so who is the better person ? Ijust want to thank you for bringing out the worst in me. It really helped me find who I am and strive to be a better person. I'd like to think that I have already shown great improvement, but who am I to judge?

Recently I've met quite possibly the most beautiful person on the face of the earth. While I haven't known jake long at all, I'm enjoying getting to know him. I've never really been around anyone like him. He's mature, intelligent, a huge sweetheart and so much fun. He's good company and really good conversation. Oh! And quite possibly the only guy I've ever shared a bed with that didn't try to get in my pants! I'm pretty stoked on that, you have no idea. While I'm not looking for this to develop into anything more than what it is now, I am hoping to not screw myself out of a friendship with such an amazing person.

I seem to do a great job of pushing away the good, positive, influential people in my life. Let's see how this goes. Starting new?

Cross your fingers ox


After feeling like I was detoxing all day today, well yesterday rather, never again will I mix adderall, two cups of coffee and a mountain dew together. NEVER again. I've never felt like such a druggie. I was so "strung out" heartbeat was racing, i was sweating, cold and hot at the exact same time. While being sick contributed to some of this, it was not the soul cause. I think I'm done trying to keep up with the "jones'"

Oh and uhh...
Dear Xanax,
go fuck yourself.
good day
<3 Nicole

The words I miss you have never fallen off my lips so effortlessly. I really do, you know, miss you. Not in a relationship sense because that chapter in our book has came and went but as my best friend. I don't know how I feel about our situation, or if we can even really be best friends again right now. However, I would like to mend my friendship with you. Step by step, day by day. I can't handle much more than that.


Any feeling is better than feeling numb.



bee tee dubs, typing all of this on my phone was quite a task. gaah, my thumbs are tired. :( ha

001.

It's times like these that really make me appreciate the people that are still close to me. I've done a lot of shitty things to the people I care about over the past few years. I regret a lot of it to be honest but at the same time I don't. How can you regret something that changed you and helped make you a better person? I don't think you can.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.
So here it goes....
I HAVE A PROBLEM
saying that has never felt so good. For once those aren't empty words, it's a good feeling.

I don't really know how to deal with it but I'm working on it. Tenley tells me I'm making progress but even she doesn't know the half of it. Maybe one day I will be comfortable enough in my own skin to shed light on all of what I have built up inside. Until then, I'll manage just like I have been.

To everyone I've ever hurt, I'm truly sorry. Most of you didn't deserve it and for those of you who did, I'm still sorry. I should have been the bigger person rather than joining you in the gutter.

There are just some "memories" that will forever be burned into the back of my mind. My past haunts me most days, today being one of them. I'm sure seeing a certain someone this morning didn't help the situation, mostly made it worse. Certain demonds you just can't fight off.

Because sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks.

"You say, you say that we're all tied up And wrapped around in useless, states of mind But at the same time we're still young We have the time to realize that we were wrong"

I miss you <3




[SN]Truth is, I haven't been the same since you walked out of my life. I don't know if I ever will be but I do know, you changed a lot inside of me. I'm sorry to everyone I hurt because of the fact that you hurt me so much so long ago. It's really starting to effect me, years after the fact...

I guess I just haven't let go. I want to, I just can't. I still think about it from time to time and those days are the worst. It's been a solid two years since you walked out and you are still in my dreams. Please get out of my head.

good friends

I think what I have missed the most are my good friends. I've been surrounding myself with such amazing people recently. The best part is, they are all of my old friends. I've missed them so much. Cassie and I have been hanging out more and more and even though it's always me giving her advice and her being on the phone the entire time, haha I miss it. Jay and Justin being home at the same time was just unreal. Words can't even begin to explain how happy I was to see them again. They have both grown up so much but regardless of where the military make take them we will always stay close. I love those two more than I could ever say. It's been years since I've seen a lot of the other people I've been hanging out with and it feels good. They knew me back before my life was as crazy as it is now and they aren't judgemental at all. I miss being around people who don't judge my every movement, word or even breath I take. They enjoy me for me and that's a nice feeling.

Also, as much as I've been going out recently, I have met a lot of really interesting new people. It's been a nice variety really. I've even met some really cool girls that I wouldn't mind hanging out with. I'm just having fun, innocent fun. That's all I'm looking for for a while.


"You've been in a relationship for the last five years, it's time to go out and have fun. I'm not saying sleep with everyone you meet or anything but engage in good conversation and good company. You only live once you know..."

I'm 21 years old and have been in constant relationships since I was 16. I need to do this for me. I was starting to feel like I couldn't be on my own, it's a good feeling knowing I can. Next time I decide to put myself all out there for someone I hope it's for real. As for now...I don't want or need anyone of that significance in my life. Not to mention I am way too busy to have the time for it.

<3 I miss Justin and Jay so much already. I love you boys, and I am so proud of the two of you. Thank you for everything you do and I can't wait to see you in JUNE ! <3 xo



ps. they are right, I am !

so pick me

choose me

LOVE ME

xanax

I'm cool because I snort lines of xanax off kitchen counters with a rolled up dollar bill....

what a fucking turn off, ew.

weiiiird !

Someone please tell me what you do when your best friend of 9 years suddnely confesses their love for you....

I am just at a loss for words...

I really don't know what to do with this one. I've never even thought twice about it. He's my best friend...

Pet Peeve

I think my biggest one is when people call in at work and pronounce a 0 as a o. There is a huge difference. Or when they use both when stating a claim or policy number. If you are going to say o atleast say o all throughout the number not alternate between 0 and o.

If you worked in insurance you would understand....it happens about 100 times a day.

ironically enough

looks like I'll be the one being the douche bag. haaa

after asking you what I did the other night after everything that had happened and hearing your thoughtful response, here I am....doing exactly what I asked you not to do to me.

Thank you for everything the other night, it was amazing to say the least. You are such a sweetheart. I'm sorry but this is just how it has to be, for a while at least.

EDIT!
ok this whole post is a lie. Well, not all of it but the majority.
almost getting jail time, an awkward night an entire day and 96 dollars later until I actually saw you. Well I think I went on quite an adventure for you, feel special. I wouldn't do it again though..<3

No regrets

Just Repeats ! <3 (:

Truth be told I'd do it over and over and over again. haha <3

p.s. Ferg, youz a good dude. Thanks for everything !


"because sometimes what you want is right in front of you, you just have to open up your eyes and see the bigger picture. <3"


ohh you can have my friends too, i'm done with all of you.

Dear Nicole,

STOP MAKING BAD DECISIONS !

Love,
self


edit;;;
My outlook on things is changing drastically as we speak.

slightly

bothered by your actions, not gonna lie. You really got me this time....



scum, bleh.


Just make all the promises you can never keep. You've always been good at that.

because there is always gonna be a 2nd chance

I've done a lot of thinking recently and well I've come to the conclusion that all the things I previously passed up becasue I didn't have the time or was "tied down" are all coming around again. It's funny how things turn out. I think this time I might actually give you the time of day. After all, everyone deserves at least one chance and this is my second chance to give you one. I'm excited to be quite honest. You showed me the time of my life and I just let you walk on by. WHAT WAS I THINKING?! haha I seem to ask myself that a lot lately. I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend when you come home. (:

On another note:
Mike Graham has been gone a good five years now. I think I was maybe 15 the last time I saw him. No one gets me like that kid does. I miss him a lot. All the random late night talks and crazy "slumber parties" haha Some of my favorite memories are with that kid. It had been quite a while since we had spoken until last night. I really hope he can get the time off and come up to stay with me for a couple days. Talk about a blast from the past...



gaaah, I need more girl friends. ha Everyone I'm close with is a guy...and while that's not a bad thing at all it'd be nice to have a girl who was a best friend and not just a good friend. However, Hannah is pretty much the only person I tell anything to these days. I'm glad we became close, I needed it. (:



HUNTSVILLE WATCH OUT!
BE PREPAID TO BE TAKEN OVER.
HANNAH && NICOLE 2010 <33333

R E U N I T E D <3

JAY HURT && JUSTIN BIAS <3

Words can't even begin to describe how stoked I am. It has been a good three years since we have all been together. I think maybe since before the boys left for boot camp. The next few weeks are going to be crazy and I can't wait. Then reality comes back and Jay is off to Korea and Justin is off to Iraq. :( Enough about them leaving, I'd rather focus on the amazing time we will be having while they are both here. I love these boys more than words can say. It's good to have them back and especially at the same time!

< less than three 3

this couldn't happen at a better time. (:
I love my boyyysss. <3


Ediiiit:::
work really is in the way of all the sweet road trips I am trying to take. haha I hate have so many responsibilities sometimes...

Hearing from an old friend last night really made me happy. (: It's been five years since we have seen each other and so much has changed but we still have such great chemistry. I'm hoping everything works out and he comes to stay with me over Christmas break. (: If not, looks like I will be making a 10 hour car trip to Alabama next summer! MG<3

false pretense

WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?!

I'm tired of being everyones learning experience. The girl who taught them what not to do to a girl and how to treat their NEXT girlfriend. The girl who showed them it was okay to not be scared but it took so long for them to realize it they pushed her out until all of her feelings were gone. I'm just tired of always feeling like second best. WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?! That's all I want to know. I'm fed up with being that girl who shows you how things could be just to get let down. I WANT IT.

I'm starting to think something is wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Am I too awkward? Am I not attractive enough? I know I'm not perfect and I know I make mistakes but dude really?! This is like the fourth guy in a row to tell me how I showed them all this and they know now what mistakes not to make and blah blah blah well I'm happy I taught you something and you gained something from this "learning experience" but I want to be so much more than that. I really want to be so much more than that to someone, I hope one day I am.

It just sucks always feeling like that's all that I am. It's either I'm someones learning experience or they just want to hook up. I don't want either. I want passion and romance and stability. I want to feel needed and appreciated, like someone actually cares. ohh but don't we all? I guess I am just asking for too much. I feel like maybe my expectations are too high? I'm sorry but I know what I want and I refuse to lower my standards for some scum bag. I deserve better than that and I do know that much. My self esteem isn't in the dumps but I'm just over being THAT girl.

All the things that EVERY guy I've ever dated has told me they learned from me, I want that. I want it all. I feel deserving of it. At the least 10 percent of it. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want it to be my turn.

For once I want to give my all and actually get someone elses in return. I want someone to realize what I mean to them while they are with me, not after the fact that they have completely pushed me out. To make matters worse, I look for comfort in all the wrong people. I don't know why I continue to purposley go for douche bags....ohh but boy do I.

so again I will ask,

When's it going to be my turn?

I hope that when my turn does come around, if it does, that I don't panic and screw it up. I would hate to make someone feel the way I do about all this.




bee tee dubs:::
I know I sound so insecure all through out this but the truth is, I'm so far from it. Those of you who actually know me will know this.

bee tee dubs

B R A N D N E W was amazing. (:

It made me miss going to shows. I think I will start going more often.





I heard that you were trouble but I couldn't resist....
I've got a thing for the bad ones...

for the life of me

I will never understand why people lie about the weirdest things. I don't understand why it is so hard for someone to be real with me but whatever. Nothing i'm not used to. I'm slightly bothered but not really. It's just cool to know up front who someone really is and what they are really about.


on a good note: I'm all smiles. :D

It's been a while since I have felt "safe"

I've missed it.


I must say, for a first time it was pretty amazing and totally unforgetable.

snuggle up

this weather is nutz!

Personally I think work should have been closed today or they should at least let us leave a half a day or something. It's not safe to be driving in this mess.

Perfect day to snuggle up in bed...<3



[sn} I need more positive people in my life. I'm so over everyone and their rude comments. Go Fuck Yourself, jus sayin'



Just to clarify, i dont want or need a relationship. Just want someone to have fun with (:

::gasp::

It's been a while, that felt amazing. <3


"I just wanted to tell you that, I know we haven't known each other very long but I'm glad we met and became friends (: iloveyouuuuuu!"
-Hannah Nicole Nash

^^text messages like that make my day. (: It's weird how we met but I'm really glad we did. We connect in a almost creepy kind of way. These are the kind of friends I need in my life. (:

D G A F

The don't give a fuck attitude is back. Not sure how I feel about it really. It's ok in a sense but last night I relized that I can't be heartless all of the time. I seem to be good at it though.

People are clingy and I really don't like that. When I'm interested, IF I'm interested it will be known. I go for the things I want so just leave me alone otherwise please.

I'm always going to have a soft spot for you. Please forgive me if that causes you heartache. :(



Jealousy is a disease, get well soon! ;)

He isn't up in heaven, so Why treat him like he's dead?

I've never been that scared. It's taken a toll on my body. Not only do I have bruises from being grabbed but my entire body is sore from trying to stop what happened. It's still all very blurry to me. I just never thought something like this would happen.

I can't help but feel at fault for it all. After all, it is my fault...that's nothing new, it always is. This time I not only hurt myself or you but someone completely innocent. I feel horrible.

This is when we take time apart. A good amount of time. It sucks, a lot. I constantly think of you and want to talk to you but I just can't. It's not what's right at the moment. Please forgive me but I had to delete your phone number. I kept getting ready to call you and I just don't want to. well, I do but I can't. Not now. I really hope one day we can be at the least friends again.


As far as dating is concerned. I've never been more turned off in my life. I don't want anything to do with anyone of the opposite sex. Just thinking about it makes me sick.

It hurts....




"Just let me close my eyes.
I haven't been this scared in a while.
I'll keep not listening to you.
Even after all you put me through.
Just wake me up when this is over.
Because I can't stand to be like this forever."

im deeply

Hurt and I can't even begin to explain how I feel.

I just want to cry forever.

I'm pretty sure I'm done dating. I can't handle shit like this. I'm sorry.

Have some

Composure?


keeping cool in this sticky situation.



my oh my, what have you done Nicole?



It's the weekend again, let the trouble begin.

Just wanted to say....

T H A N K Y O U <3

thank you for making me realize everything I want. I never can decide but now I know. It feels great to be enlightened. (:

‎​You're like my kryptonite

I feel like that's what everyone says about me. I don't understand what's so great about me but I guess that's a good thing.

It's always good to hear from an old friend with positive vibes. (:

The way I loved you

by taylor swift

explains so much.


gaaaawd, I miss passion. I just don't know where it all went? stumped!

Friend status all day

Overall I had a really great birthday weekend. A few things could have went a little smoother but all in all, it was really good. I really do have the best friends ever. (:


WILDER comes home Friday && it's out! out! out! to celebrate our birthdays together. <3333
I can't wait to go out with twiiiin again. <3

Birthday Festivities

start tonight and don't end until monday! Liquor, boyfriend & best friends, ahh I can't wait!

I'm so excited to spend the next 4 days with the people who mean the most to me. (:

Hopefully this will be the best birthday yet. I mean, I'm 21! (sunday)

I'll post pictures sometime next week when I have my head back on straight!

Here's to having the best weekend ever with the best friends ever <3

black vs. white

I don't think people realize how ignorant they sound when they make comments about the opposite race. We are all people, one in the same regardless of what color your skin may be.

I really hate close-minded people.

47 calls

in one day. 98% not answered.

That is completely ridiculous.

you

Have been on my mind a lot recently. Sigh :(

Regret

Spring fling in summer breeze fall back to what you always knew you wanted.

I've never really regretted anything, until now. I try to block it out mentally but my subconscious gets the best of me. Now I have to live with the fact that I am now just like everyone else I know. I've never been "THAT" girl...well I never was, until this summer. This might sound dumb to some people but I was always really proud that I wasn't like all the rest. So much for that..

I have this reoccurring dream about it. It plays out in my head so vividly. I regret letting him get the best of me when I was at my worst. I regret falling for all the empty words, Even though I knew what was really going on the whole time. I regret being so dumb and making such poor decisions. Most of all I regret doing what I did and hurting who I did in the process. Out of everything I hurt myself the most though. Hearing "I've lost a lot of respect for you" is probably the worst part of it all. Those words hurt the most. Not the emotional roller coaster I was on, not the being used or taken advantage of but those words...

If I could take it all back I would, in a heartbeat. It's a blur really. I've tried so hard to block it out that I almost forget it happens until someone makes a comment in reference to it or mentions his name. I hate talking about it and I wont.

Throughout it all I hurt more people than I ever intended to. I'm sorry. If I could take it back I would, In a h e a r t b e a t

Some thoughts are well worth our time

If we ever find out
what this is all about
these thoughts were well worth our time...


I think out of everyone I know I have by far the weirdest thoughts. These odd, random, sometimes disturbing thoughts run through my mind. I'm not quite sure what it all means. What does it mean when you constantly think of possible ways to be attacked when crossing the street at 3am from your car to the front door? Or always feeling like someone is breathing down your back. I have this weird phobia of people being close to me or following me. I don't like being touched, at all. I'm really reluctant to get close to anyone I don't know well. I just always feel like someone is one step behind me just waiting to attack at any second. I get really paranoid when a car pulls up behind me late at night or even if someone pulls up to me at a stop light and looks over at me. It always happens to be someone who just looks like a creep. I'm starting to think my childhood has a lot to do with my constant paranoia. I'm not quite sure it will ever stop haunting me. That night six years ago. It's hard to believe how much you can block out certain things but the one thing you wish to forget forever you can't block out the least bit. I have dreams about it, or nightmares rather.

Anyway, I have all these colorful images in my head. I just want to push a button and print them all out to share with anyone who would care to see them. Maybe then people would understand me better, maybe if they got a good look at what really went on in my mind they would see inside who I really am. I can't even explain it really, they are just these odd, vivid images with stories I couldn't even begin to put into words. The past 21 years of experiences have a lot to do with it. My childhood was rather, uhm..i'm not quite sure what the perfect word would be...it was just interesting to say the least. No more eventful than anyone else's I would say. Everyone has their share of problems, it just depends on how they choose to deal with them. I don't think I have ever really dealt with mine. I just keep going with things as if they never happened and that's not healthy. Each image has a part of my past entangled within it in a strange fashion. It's really rather beautiful in a way, I just wish I could share them with someone.

"You never find yourself until you face the truth"

But what do you do if you're scared to do so. There are so many unanswered questions. I try to find the right time to ask or the right way to ask and someone always gets angry about it. I don't want to cause any problems with my parents I just want answers for all the secrets from my childhood. I think after 21 years I deserve it. I guess they don't feel the say way though. My mom will never be able to face the reality of it and that's what makes me lose respect for her.

If you couldn't tell, my mind is really all over the place today and well, everyday really. When I am not thinking about my life I start thinking about the most random things. A lot of the times I think up all these weird, outrageous "what ifs" I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just insecure and it's my way of dealing with it? Or maybe I'm just bored? I don't know really.

off topic:[even though this whole blog is really rather off topic]
I'm in my third MOD for school. Only four more to go after this one and then I am done for good. I don't know, I was really excited to be done with school but to be completely honest....I'm so nervous. It's going by so fast, I don't know that I am ready to be done with being a student. After all, it's all I have known for the last 16 years.

I'm nervous to leave my job and start a new one. I've been at CHUBB for the last 4.5 years. Starting somewhere new where I don't know anyone and am not an "expert" in my line of work is a scary thought. I think I am ready for it though. It really is time to start a new chapter in my life. I wont lie, I am extremely nervous but I am excited at the same time.

I wanna get the new tattoo that Justin designed for me. I think maybe after my birthday I will go do that. Once money isn't so tight.

Sam turns 21 Saturday, I'm going to Richmond to celebrate with her. RVA get ready for the shitshow. We will be doing the same thing back at the beach the following weekend. Life is pretty good right now. Well, for the most part that is.

BTW: The whole OMGZ LETS GET HiiiiGH thing is really getting old. I'm done with it. I'm starting to realize just how dumb people seem when they are high and I don't want to be like that.


I'm pretty sure i contradicted myself all through out this post. Oh well.

Fast Forward

Why is everyone is such a hurry to have kids and get married?! I feel like everyone around me either has kids, is having kids, getting married or some sort of combination. While I really like the idea of being settled, I'm just not ready for things to be THAT serious. I'm barely 21 and there are so many things I want to do before I have children and get married. I don't know... It's just crazy to see all the people I have grown up with all settled down and starting families. I know that I myself need to grow up before I can teach someone else how to.

To each his/her own I suppose.




[sn]: I'm really warming up to the military situation/idea. I'm in it for the long run, I'll go wherever you are. (:

forget my name, forget my face

I think it's gonna rain and this never ends!
That song has been stuck in my head for weeks. Thursday has always been one of my favorites.

After last nights class I am feeling rather inspired. I really want to go on mission trips and give back to the community. I think it would be an amazing experience to go to third world countries and help those who have lives far more difficult than my own. It would be quite a journey. I think I am going to look into it once I am done with school and actually have time to go. In the mean time I want to start volunteering around the tidewater area. I don't have much "free" time as it is but at least what I do have would be spent making someone ese's life better. It's a rewarding experience, knowing that you have impacted someones life and made it better for them. (: I can't wait to start!

As far as my life these days, I just don't know what to say. I don't think things could possibly get any better. I finally know what I want and have most of what is attainable at this current point in time. I think I am the happiest I have ever been, seriously. Work is getting better and better, class is more motivating and inspiring than ever and things with Branden are fabulous. I have it all, all at once...I have everything I could possibly want right now. It honestly feels like a dream, I never want to wake up. I wish things could be this good all of the time.
<3

unnoticed

I really hope my efforts aren't going unnoticed. I'm seeing the improvement, I hope someone else out there can see it as well.

I'm the happiest I've ever been. Life has never been this good, I hope it is here to stay.I think I deserve that much at least.

No one ever really lets go

Or owns up to their own faults. It has been brought to my attention recently just how much people look for any excuse to blame someone or something else for their actions, mistakes or problems. You spend all this time over analyzing a situation looking for some other excuse as to why you did what you did or why you are in the predicament that you are. Truth is, when it comes down to it.. the root of the problem is within yourself.

I guess it's just easier to blame someone or something else rather than accepting the fault. It's understandable, we've all been there. I know I have but I can honestly say, I am living life probably the most honest that I ever have. I'm not out to hurt anyone but I'm not going to lie about it to save your feelings. That's just not me anyone. It's not about pleasing you, it's about pleasing myself and accepting who I am.

Take it or leave it but seriously own up to your own actions and faults. No one else is going to do it for you. Stop pointing the finger unless you can look in the mirror and not hate yourself for it.





Each day it gets a little easier to face myself.

mixed signals

whatdafuckevanigga







There is so much wrong with this situation, it isn't even funny. Some people just need to learn to grow up, Seriously. (:

It means a little less

every time you let the words fall from your lips, let your fingers type it or write it down on paper. It's meaningless.






Jay comes home soon! (:
I really just can't wait!

Aint stressin' it

It's a new month, time for something new.






My birthday is in exactly one month! (: soo stoked. Not that being 21 is really a big deal when you've been drinking since like 8th grade anyway. haha But it'll be fun to go out with my "older" friends every now and then.

B, Court and I have really gotten serious about finding a house. It's so exciting. Mom and I have been out shopping for home decor and such. I really just can't wait. (:

mr.bRIGHTside

....
I miss you? No, no, no, no I don't.
Just have thought about you often recently.







ohh you never forget the first one.

all good things must come to an end

what if it never got a chance to start?

I just can't continue to live like this. We both have expectations that we want this to live up to and well, we can't help but fall short every time. It's days like today that make me question everything I thought I know, thought I felt...

Maybe Matt was right. Maybe we are wasting time on something that isn't meant to be and we are missing out on what is? All I know is that I am for sure tired of fighting an uphill battle. It has to get easier, it has to. Something has got to give.


Six months or so ago Karen told me "when it's right all this kind of stuff wont happen. It wont be a contant struggle." When does it get easier?

Last Summer Night of the Year.

So there I stood, 31ST Street in Virginia Beach on the last summer night of the year. The air was crisp with the smell of salt water. Mae was playing one of my favorite songs 'Destination Beautiful' and as I stood with my eyes closed singing along...it hit me. I was finally at ease. Something just clicked. For the first time in a while I felt relaxed and comfortable being in my own skin. My whole summer consisted of me being in an alternate universe, it feels good to be back in my own skin.

It's good to be "home"

sometimes

I can't bare to face myself in the mirror in the morning.




and I, I've lost my will to fight
and I, I forgot what it's like to feel alive
when I close my eyes, all I see is the white light
I walk towards it, I'm tired of living with this regret

I miss this

I miss this kind of carefree side of us. Not a worry in the world....

never thought

those words could ruin a moment. Obviously I thought wrong.

It's just so easy

for everyone to tell me to just drop it when they are on the outside of the situation. Not saying that the fact that he could die tomorrow makes me want to keep myself in this shitty situation but it does effect the way I think about things. I mean, I really just think time and space would do us good but I'm so afraid to put space between us. If anything were to happen during that time period...I just, I would hate myself for it every day for the rest of my life. I would never forgive myself. It's just hard to see things clearly when there is so much weighing down on me. To think, the best advice anyone has given me thus far was from the one person who is the cause of most of these problems. Well, aside from myself that is...

Eventually, I will have a better perspective on things. Until then, I guess I just have to shut everyone else who comes along out of my life.





This weekend was a complete mess. I'm just glad I got to spend time with the people I did. It's nice having other people to talk to every now and then. Not to mention that laying in the driveway with courtney and Brittany smoking hookah was exactly what I needed yesterday. I love those girls. (:

"You're more than just a pretty face"

I've heard it all before.

"It's always so hard to part with you."
What does that even mean? People are creeps.

GET LOST

GET OUT WHILE YOU'RE STILL BREATHING INSIDE
SHE'S A MANEATER, SHE'LL EAT YOU ALIVE




Just leave me alone please.

To be completely honest

I have no regrets and am finally at ease.

Note to self: Never let anyone else tell you what kind of person you are.

After talking with Sam about it I have concluded that I am content. I mean, things turned out shitty but I'm so lucky to still have him in my life. It's nice to have good friends who make you realize that even though the situation is shitty technically you didn't do anything wrong. I mean I know I did but really, it's my business.


Truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never really got it back.






Now i just can't wait to play in the rain when i get out of class. Hopefully it's still raining then. ;)

This has been

by far, the worst weekend I have had in a long time. I am covered in bruises and have a nice hand print wrapped around my arm.


Taking space & time to heal.



Ohh I'm just a M A N E A T E R
didn't cha know?

fuck me

and leave me for dead

If actions speak louder than words

Does that mean last night meant something?

Innocent Fun

I just want to have innocent fun.

I want someone to play in the rain with me, take random day trips with me, cook with me, paint with me, dance with me, go antique / thrift store shopping with me, ride bikes with me, stay up all night watching really bad old movies with me, play pacman with me, have pillow fights with me, someone i can be myself around who wont judge me, someone to listen to my crazy ideas and thoughts on the world, someone to put a smile on my face in the simplest of ways. Someone who doesn't have a hidden agenda.

I just want to have innocent fun.




I had it but then I lost it. It's still there but it's not the same.
I'm ready for the change of seasons, work, school and most of all the change of myself.

My heart races at the thought of you...

why do I even bother?

I don't know the answer to that question so I am willing to bet you couldn't tell me why either.

eyes wide open

You can't fool me, I know what you do.

I heard that you were trouble

but I couldn't resist...





Started off class right! I got a 100 on my first test. (:
I'm proud of myself. haha I'm really enjoying school. Never thought I'd say that..

Side note: I'M SO READY FOR FALL.




Life is good. Busy but good. (:

Sleep

with one eye open...

Clearly this calls for desperate measures.

It's pretty apparent that I have no privacy, anywhere.

I don't trust anyone anymore.
Myself some days but not everyday.




Holding on feels more and more like letting go.

If I never hear

another word about the state of New Jersey I will live a happy life.





ASSUMING things only makes YOU look ignorant, remember that.



3oh!3 can shove it. I'm so over that damn Helen Keller song...

My life

is about to be a lot less fun and a lot more work. I'm not going to have time for much of anything over the course of the next 8 months but I couldn't be more excited about it.

I'm so stoked and I am more motivated now than I ever have been.

Long days ahead of me but it will all pay off in the long run.




One step closer to a new beginning. (:
I can't wait!

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT I BELIEVE IN ANYMORE

One has to wonder just how many times they can say those words and expect someone to truly believe them.

The more they are said the more the meaning becomes dead.


I don't trust anyone but myself
and even that is questionable lately.

I need S P A C E

"Ever since I replaced the "I" in LIVE with an "O" I can't remember who you are..."

After everything

that I have been going through recently, these past two days were much needed.
Branden has been amazing and I've really missed my best friend. (:

Feels good to be happy, even if it's only for a little while.

I'm not perfect

STOP EXPECTING ME TO BE

I just don't understand why my parents treat me like I'm 12 and have no idea what I am talking about. They should have listened to me five years ago when all this bullshit started. They would have saved a lot of time, money, heartache and embarrassment. I've observed a lot over the years with this whole situation and really, I know what I am talking about. I think I know the best out of all of us how this will play out. It's always the same shit because they just keep fueling the fire. I don't know, I guess because I am on 20 they feel like I don't. It's completely pointless to argue my case because no matter how right I am, they refuse to listen. It's just a waste of breath on my end and time on theirs.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever take me seriously. Lately I feel like my thoughts and opinions just don't matter to anyone.

I'm done trying to hold up this "perfect image". It's not even for me, it's for them. It's ridiculous the amount of pressure they put on me. This so called "perfect image" my mom tries to maintain has slowly torn my family apart and is still continuing to do so. I'm disgusted to say the least, in all honesty. You have to learn to accept the flaws, learn from them and move on. Instead you live your life with all this hate built up because you just can't let go of the past or accept it and move on with it. Isn't that what love is about? Accepting someone for who they are, flaws included? You can't just pretend like nothing happened and that nothing has changed. I have questions and I want answers and I don't care how much you cry over it. IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME. Then again, nothing ever was fair to me in this family.

You can't buy my affection. Money doesn't mean shit to me. I have a lot built up and you wont give me the time of day to tell you how I feel and what I really think of you. I guess that's because you and I both know you can't handle it. The harsh reality of what the past 21 years have meant to me.

I'm not a kid, I'm not naive, I'm not mislead, I'm not unaware. I probably know more than they do when all is said and done. In the end they always realize I'm right. They wont admit it, but they know. Sucks knowing you should take advice from your kid doesn't it? I could save you the trouble but you're too busy being shoved up your own ass to realize what I have to offer. Sucks for you because I no longer give a shit.

someday someone will realize that I have a lot to offer. Maybe once I get myself together it will all fall in place, with or without you. I can do this without you. I am the way I am for a reason, no thanks to you I am improving myself.

I'm realizing a lot about my life recently. It's scary to know that this so called "family" thing most people Cherish and want to have isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be. Not mine at least.


It's time to get off your high horse. You DON'T deserve to be there.

The Pot called the Kettle black

Honestly, I really just can not stand when people are hypocritical.

Sometimes I don't think one realizes just how ignorant they make themselves out to be.


I always said I'd never live my life according to someone else again after I did it for two years....looks like I'm back at square one, I feel 17 again. I mean, I guess I'm just use to it so it isn't that big of a deal but it's really starting to bother me.

You've got your share of secrets

and I am always last to know





Everyone has a hidden agenda these days it seems.

It hurts a whole lot

but it's missed when it's gone...


I don't think people ever really want you to be as honest as they say they do.
Because deep down, it feels good to be so open and honest but people just can't take the truth.

I can honestly say that I have nothing to hide from anyone and even more so...
I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE ANYMORE.

I'm tired of being a mess.
and I keep creating bigger ones.

Call it what you want
but I know what it was.
What it is.

I just wish you did.

People will always hold my past over my head. Even my friends do it. Sorry that everyone thinks I'm such a horrible person. At least I have one person who relates...I just wish I could take the advice that I give to him about it. I'm so good with giving advice but I am horrible at taking my own. That's an art I would be ever so grateful to perfect. Maybe one day I will get it right. As for now, I am finding myself and developing who I am. I don't hate myself, I love myself. There is definitely some serious room for improvement though.

I'm just taking things one day at a time. That's all I can do. Trying to remain positive these days is such a hard task.

I'm starting to realize

just how much my opinions and feelings don't matter to anyone. I'm surrounded by faces but they are all empty. Will I ever find someone that can relate? Someday..

I keep having this dream in which I am in the middle of a crowded city street. I'm in the midst of crossing the street and while there are thousands of people walking by, filling the streets, in taxis, on bikes, in coffee shops....they are all empty faces. Certain figures stand out...they remind me of people from my past except their faces are blank. I'm not quite sure what this means but it's really starting to get old. I guess I've always felt like no one really understands who I really am. no one really gets what I'm feeling. No one ever gave me a chance to show them either though.

I really do believe that you have to lose yourself to find yourself again. I've made a mess of myself the past month or so...making really out of character decisions and having awkward feelings afterward. I've realized a lot these past few months and I'm really glad everything turned out how it did. It was much needed, in so many ways.


Walking in this world with billions of people and yet as I walk I've never felt more alone in my life. There has to be someone out there who feels the way I do. I just can't seem to find anyone who relates. I'm starting to think that I intimidate the new people I meet and scare them off. Friday night I was told I am intimidating....that's something new for me but I guess with my new attitude and view of life after the past few months I could come across that way. For the first time in my life I know what I want and I wont let anything get in my way....I guess I could see that as intimidating. That or I am just full of rejection because I am really just not interested in much of anything anyone has to say these days.

It's easy to act interested..
It's so much harder to actually be interested.

Can someone please hold my attention for more than ten minutes? It sucks being in conversation with someone and just completely losing interest within the first ten minutes.

I just want something new. Somewhere new. Someone new.

Not dating relationship wise but just as a friend. I have all I need in regards to a relationship I just wish I had a good, solid friendship to go along with it.

Everyone I've met recently and gotten close to will be gone before I know it. It sucks. :(

I just want to drop all of my responsibilities and run away for a while. Not run away from my problems or anything. Just get away and clear my head. Meet new people and gain new experiences. The thought of leaving everyone and everything behind just to find something new is thrilling. I want excitement. I want to be kept on the edge of my seat for once...

Please, keep me on my toes.....someone!

I'm tired of this boring routine I call my life. Give me something new, some excitement.

Repeat

I've had the same dream everynight for about a week and a half now..

It's awkward and uncomfortable and I wake up at the same scene everytime. Only, each time I wake up from it my reaction is slightly different. You've got to wonder what this all means...maybe there is a hidden truth I just haven't found yet. Whatever the reason may be behind it, I wish I would stop dreaming it.


I can't wait for Branden to be home. I miss him oh so much. <3

Faith in Love

your soft heartfelt voice whispered slowly, "we're going to be ok."

I shook my head yes, that's all I could do. I have so much faith..

faith in love, you, us, myself.

You once asked me if I had ever felt invincible

Saturday night, laying in my bed, your hands caressing my face..

the words ,"it's you, it's always been you" fell from your lips

as you pressed them against mine...

Well, my answer is yes. I have felt it.

For the first time in my life I know what it's like

What it's like to feel something real, to really be alive

This was it, nothing could hold me back or get in my way....

I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not a single thing.



Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself again. I'm just glad that you gave me the chance to do so. You'll never know the extent of my gratitude.


Being in love is the best feeling one could ever hope to experience. Looking back, maybe everything that we encountered and all the experiences we had were meant to happen. Maybe we needed this. I'll never let you slip through my fingers again, not if I have it my way. I've learned so much from this. It's safe to say we've both made dumb mistakes but that's what love is all about. Making mistakes and loving someone for who they are, flaws included. You've made me such a better person. How do you explain a feeling of such great measure? I wish I could attempt to summarize it for you but I know I don't have to because you feel the same. I love you. Then, now, always. It's always been you kid, it always will be you.

Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I just can't

leave this kid alone.

He had my heart a year ago and he still has it despite the fact that I keep telling myself he doesn't. Who knows what is in store for us but no matter what...

It's always going to be you
It always has been you...



I just love this picture. It reminds me of the carefree times we use to have when we first met. <3

Biggest realization ever

words are meaningless as fuck. I just realized a lot while sitting at work today and you know, I can honestly say....I am completely happy with the way things turned out. I've wanted this for a long time and I finally have my freedom back. I wont give that up for anyone, ever again. You've changed a lot inside of me and I don't know if I will ever forgive you for the negative influence you have had on me. I'm ok and I am going to be ok. I know who I am and what I want and this isn't it.

He was right, I'm so much better off. It's funny how life happens sometimes. Ohh but I am so glad this chapter in my life is over and a new one is starting! (: There was a reason this played out the way it did and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

You saved me.


"Why me?" you asked. To be honest, I can't even begin to tell you. It was just a caught up in the moment kind of thing. I wasn't lying to you when I said,"As much as I want this, I'm just not THAT girl." I don't regret anything I just wish it was under different circumstances. You're a really great guy despite the common misconception of a lot of people. You've been there for me through a few hardships that I have had recently and I can't thank you enough for that. You've been my saving grace and I guess that's why I enjoy your company so much. It's nice knowing someone cares enough to listen....I haven't really had that lately. <3

It's just you and I

against the world

with nothing to prove

and nothing to lose


Those words whispered never meant so much <3
You're right, I'm so much better off now.
Ohh my there is just something about you...






Honestly, I'm done and over it and want nothing to do with you.

you

Just made my day!

You're just full of surprises aren't you?

<3

You were fake, I was great

Nothing personal



Sometimes you have to step out of character every once in a while and just let loose.

Thoughtless decision making is kind of fun. ;)

Livin' it up babbby and I've never felt better!





I'm walking, who's laughing now? I'm wasted, wasting time; you talk for hours but you're wasting lines, a pretty face but the chase ain't worth the prize

You're only young once

I'm just looking to have fun

and so far I am having a great time.







Everyone makes mistakes and Y O U are mine.

EDIT;;;
After last night I realized that you are a lot like me. I'm glad we talked about everything. No mistake; just a new connection and I'm happy about the choices we've made thus far.

Pause

Step back and take a look around..

You ever feel like you are all alone
even when you're in a crowd?

I'm so emotionless these days

I just don't feel anything at all.

Just smile and pretend...that's what I'm good at.

I'm having fun being single but I don't think the world is ready for it. It's way to dangerous.


I swear I'll take this to my grave before I ever speak of your name.

real vs fake

It's so hard to tell what is real in my life anymore. I'm happier than ever these days but I guess that's just because I lie to myself to stay that way. Well it's working and all these pills can go fuck themselves. I refuse to take them.

Even looking in your eyes feels wrong. Why do I want it to feel right?

Also, it's rather annoying how careless people are these days. Someone hit my car and now i have a dent in my passenger side door. What an asshole. I wonder how things would be if I was so careless in my actions. The world couldn't handle me then, it barely deals with me now as it is.

I've made some new friends recently and well they are alcoholics to say the least. It's pretty shitty when someone puts alcohol over you. Never again kid, Never again. You get one fuck up and you made yours already. I hope it was worth it.

Girls like me don't happen often, realize who I am and what I have to offer and please, please don't waste my time.


God, please give me some clarity. I can't take walking through this dense fog much longer.

I deserve better

that's all i'm saying. I'm not dumb kid, just know that.



P.S. I've missed having this kind of fun with you, it's been awhile. I hope it lasts.


You're right, I'm s c a r e d

Dear Nicole;

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!

Love,

self

He's such a smooth talker

He tells me everything I want to hear

BUT

It takes more than words to get me baby.



FOR ONCE I WANT SOMEONE TO SHOW ME WHAT I MEAN TO THEM
and not by doing what they do for every other girl

What now?

I don't even know how to react to this.

I'm such a mess.

I love you kid, I hope you know that.

I will pray every night...you have to get better.

You have to..

I will always stand by you.

We will go through this together, no matter what.

I guess the hardest part to this is knowing there is nothing I can do and it sucks, a lot.

Scorpio

Wednesday, Jul 8th, 2009 -- The Moon's entry into your 4th House of Roots can take you back to your childhood, but don't let memories of your past get in the way of creating your future. You may be longing for an idyllic life, sipping champagne and watching a glorious sunset, but those bucolic dreams seem very far away right now. There's some heavy metaphysical lifting to be done today as you think about the cosmos and what you can do to change the world for the better.

I've got

no regrets.

A fresh start and a new face

mmmm I could get use to this ;)

:D

best weekend I have had in a really long time, by far.

Being happy is a good feeling, I hope it's here to stay.

Once said, always said.

I will hold the past over your head.
I'll speak my mind whenever I feel slighted.
I am hellbent on extracting all of my revenge.
Take heart, sweetheart, or I will take it from you.



I'm out of here, for good.

controversy

My therapist says she thinks that I have perfected the art of pushing someone away.

I have to stop getting scared or I'll destroy everyone.

Where do i start to turn myself around, how can it go back?
How do I clean up the mess I've made?

It's crazy to think that something that happened so long ago is still effecting my actions today. It's been years upon years and I'm still not over what happened.

One day I'll accept it and move on, one day...

Having someone pull you apart to find reasons for your actions really sucks but it helped a lot actually.

ugh, I just don't know anymore.

Hypocritical

I've always hated that about you.






And now I'm standing on my rooftop I
Sure could use someone to talk to
Someone to make this alright
I'm done pretending.

It's unbelievable

how completely full of shit you are. Sorry but I'm just being honest.

Feels like everyone has a different side to your story.

You might be able to play everyone else like they are dumb but I know better.

and fyi "FUCK YOU" isn't really a great thing to say when you follow it up with "I love you"

Completely contradicting, as always.

I just can't do it anymore.

Say what you mean for once and mean what you say.

STOP LYING TO YOURSELF or me, whichever it is that you are doing because your stories just don't add up.

This is my last post in regards to you. I'm shutting the door and focusing on myself. I have to, sorry.

It's nice knowing

that I can be comfortable being so close to someone else. (:



The apartment search is on! Mom and I are going out to find me somewhere new to live. I can't take being home anymore...it brings me down.


I have so much to look forward to over the next few days and months, I can't wait! (:

ahh

I just don't know about this...

Last night

I realized that I am more okay than I thought I was.

It feels good. (:

In all honesty,

I'm really glad last night happened. I finally broke down, it took enough verbal abuse in one sitting to finally make me break. I've never been so emotionally unstable ever and I don't like it. I need to go find my self esteem because I lost it somewhere along the way. I've never felt so low but I know that I am so much better than that. I learned more about myself in three hours than I have my whole life. It was the worst experience ever but at the same time I needed it.

Never again will I cry because of a boy.
Never again will I let myself be verbally abused.
Never again.

I'm just going to lay low for a while, a long while, and keep to myself. I need to love myself before I can even begin to love someone else. I'm more of a mess now than ever and I need some serious time to clean myself up.

LOVE

I wanted to

but I never could



I've lost faith.

I need to be on my own for awhile, a long while.
for once at least.

Is it guilty in here

or is it just me?! ;) haaaaa!


Tonight was just what I needed to clean up the mess I had made of myself these past few days. I now know that I am going to be just fine and knowing that eases my mind more than you could ever imagine. Things happen, what's suppose to work out will in the end. I wont let this bring me down, or anything else for that matter. Looking at the positives of everything and it feels so good.




It's not what I thought it was.
yea, it's really not.
it's so much moreeeeee




EDIT;;;
CONSIDER YOURSELF ERASED.

That could have been me!? ahhhh

I'm so very glad that it's not. Young and dumb are definitely the two words I would use to describe myself during that time period in my life in which you were around. I've learned so much from you and since then. It blows my mind to look back and see how serious I was about it then. I can't even imagine talking about those sorts of things with anyone at this point in my life. I don't even know what it is that I want these days yet back then I was so sure. Crazy how things change and ohh boy have the changed. (FOR THE BETTER IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE) I couldn't be happier with my life than I am these days. It's crazy how things happen, it all works out amazing in the end. (:



The mistakes we knew we were making..



Looking back it's crazy to think we ever talked about getting married and planned out our lives together. I'm so glad I didn't rush into that and make that mistake. It's weird planning out your whole life with someone and then watching someone else live it out. Don't take that the wrong way, I in no way want to be in that position. haha It's just weird.

All in all, You're a good guy when you really want to be. Be good to her and don't give up. Control your temper when you get mad and try to see both sides of every argument. Remember what's important in life and forget about all of the petty bullshit. I really hope you've grown up, matured and changed your boyish ways.

I can honestly say, I am really happy for you. I wish the both of you the best of luck and I hope you have an amazing life together. Congratulations! (:

You've got your share of secrets

and I'm always last to know

ME, MYSELF & I

I am done putting other people before myself. No one appreciates it. I'm done compromising my wants to please someone else.

It all comes back to feeling like I'm never good enough....

I'm not apologizing for who I am. Love me for who I really am or don't love me at all.

It feels good

to be so comfortable. I didn't think it would ever get to this point.

Glass

I see right through you.

I'm sorry

I can't meet your expectations, I just don't have it in me.

I'm so over this routine called life. I need some excitement and spontaneity. I want change, give it to me.

Forever

I want to believe in forever..
Show me that I can.


I knew it from the start, told you I'd make you fall for me.







I love you Branden Andrew Youngs <3

Sleeping pills

I don't know what is with me lately but getting to sleep at night has been a serious issue for me. I have been completely exhausted for about a week now and just can never fall asleep at night. It's really quite annoying. Insomnia is a bitch and even sleeping pills don't help. I had to smoke a blunt the other night just to pass out, it's pretty bad. I don't plan on continuing my pattern of smoking before bed though. However, if it helps though and gets the job done I just might. Something has got to give, I can't keep doing this.


You really want to know, SHOW SOME INTEREST!



Scorpio
The Moon aligns with your traditional ruling planet warrior Mars in your 6th House of Work, suggesting that you might need to lose your temper in order to establish or reestablish an important boundary. It may be difficult to know when your job is finished, because you are not following a play-by-play instruction book. Take your time and remember that it's harder to end an old pattern than it is to start a new one.

Seriously

it was the most intense moment that I have ever shared with anyone.


I can't stop thinking about it.

I've learned

that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I can tell myself all day that I don't feel the way I do or the things I do but in the end....I still always will. I can't push out feelings, I've tried and tried and tried. I fail every time. I'm accepting that though. I have come to realize that I can't because I don't want to. It's what I really want, no matter what I may continue to tell myself. I'm okay with having these feelings, even if they are one sided. It's a gray area...but I think I am starting to see some color shine through. I haven't been this happy in a while, I hope it lingers for quite some time, it's a good feeling.

One simple touch and all my problems fade. When I'm not there, all I want is to be there...with you. <3

I know this will never be what I want it to be. However, I don't know how I feel about knowing that.

At the moment I am content and I guess that's all I can ask for really. Just live in the moment and forget about tomorrow..for now at least.

"the easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else"
it sucks, a lot.

People and all their lovey dovey bullshit make me sick.


Maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have that and can't have that...either way, it makes me sick.

I want more

smile;

baby it looks good on you.


It's a good feeling, you're a good feeling.

Feeling a bit crowded....

I am having a hard time adjusting to these new living arrangements....

I really hope this gets better

and S 0 0 N


EDIT::
I think I am starting to fall back into my "insecure about my body" phase
I just want to be skinny haha I know I'm not fat but I could be skinnier...
I work out just about every day and I eat super healthy, even when I don't try to
I am starting to think my body hates me and just wont let me be any smaller
five pounds would make a huge difference, it's not much but it would be enough
Or even If i could just get toned...I feel like I'm putting in a lot of effort
and yet I am getting no results :( I'm not saying I am unhappy with my body because
to be honest, I know it's decent I am just saying there is room for improvement, that's all

I really just do not like the word love.

I no longer know what that word means or what the emotion feels like and i'd like to keep it that way honestly.

talking about feelings makes me uncomfortable these days...

i'm just always so uneasy

A voice of the past

I really hate when people from my past tell me they miss me. It's awkward for me seeing as how I never feel the same way. haha Not to be a bitch or anything but I am just so much happier where I am now than where I was when they were a part of my life. I just feel like if I was meant to be a part of your life it would have worked out and it didn't so you should probably move on already.

I don't know...maybe I am just different when it comes to letting go. It has always been easy for me to do so. If I don't want something I don't stick around just to wait and find something better. I don't like when people play with my emotions so I don't do it to other people. I'll fight for what I want but I wont settle for what I don't.

I found it really weird when I was having a talk with a voice of the past, so to speak, that he has completely changed because of me. Sorry that you were too much of a nice guy for me but when I told you that I didn't expect you to turn into the biggest asshole ever. That isn't what girls want either kid.

WHEN YOU FIND THE RIGHT ONE YOU WONT HAVE TO CHANGE WHO YOU ARE TO BE WITH THEM

He is with this new girl now, has been for about a year. He isn't happy with her he is just sticking around until he finds someone better....that is exactly what he told me. It really makes me wonder about some things. Is this what the world has come to? Do we just hold on to what we have until someone or something better comes a long? I realize that for some people letting go is hard but why would you waste your time? If you don't see a future between you and your signifigant other then why would you stay with them? I was slightly baffled when he told me he would never marry her yet he loved her...How can you love someone when you don't see yourself being with them forever or having a future at all?

Basically, what it comes down to is this...it's what we like to call friends with benefits. haha I mean everyone does it or has anyways. I myself have been there and sometimes it takes longer to realize it than other things. I just don't understand why people hold on when really they just need to let go.

I just feel like if you don't see it going somewhere and you don't want it to go somewhere then you shouldn't waste your or your signifigant others' time. Why would you sit around and be with someone if that isn't what you want? I just can't phathom that. I realize that sometimes it's a comfort thing...trust me, I have done that as well. Eventually though, you need to wake up and realize what is really going on.

Don't sit around and hold on to something just because you want someone there or you need attention. That is just ridiculous. You should be with someone because you want to and because you see the potential of a future with them. Don't waste your time and lead someone else on, it's not fair to the other person in the situation or to yourself really.

I am slightly indifferent about this...I mean, do we really just hold on when we know we shouldn't because we don't want to be lonely? Do we really get "stuck" so to speak with someone? Are we that insecure and dependent that we have to hold on until someone better comes along because we can't be on our own?

I wonder how many guys really do this exact thing...

If you don't want it then let go of it. It's as simple as that...it really is.

And if you are still thinking about me and how i am supposedly "the one that got away" then you should have never got in another relationship to begin with.

Sorry to break your heart, again...but it's just not there. It never was and I didn't want it then and I really don't want it now.

I couldn't be any happier than where I am at right now and who I am with right now.

This whole conversation really made me think...are guys really this shallow and dependent and lonely? I guess these are questions that only time can develop the answers.

One thing I know for sure, I love where I am at right now and I love who I am with right now. I've found someone completely amazing and I'll fight for it if I have to because I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before. <3

amused

all this chaos in my house is really quite amusing.

hahaha I just can't stop laughing. (:



EDIT:
Obviously I thought this was something more than it ever was
because come to find out it's not real...I'm not real
I guess the feelings aren't real either. W O R D

well it's nice to know where I stand
fixing some things up and turning myself around.

The high only last for so long
and when i start to come down
it hits me hard


Slowly drifting away
I need an exit
and quick











I really just wanted some good quality alone time
It never seems to work out that way though
There is always someone or something in the way
Guess I better get use to it though
Even when we're alone...
we are never really a l o n e

I'm so happy

it's disgusting.


:D

HYPOCRITE

It really pisses me off when people get mad at me for doing something when they are doing the EXACT same thing BEHIND my back. Save your bitching for someone else because I refuse to let you make me feel bad about something when you are just as guilty. You think you can trust people and what they say and then you find out differently. I'm not letting you bring me down. Just blow it off and keep it moving and do what I want to do.






On another note, I am trying to be more positive about things. It's working so far. I have most certainly been looking at the positive side of things more so than the negative ones today. I am really excited for summer and everything it has in store. The next few weeks / months are going to be really exciting! I can't wait. (:

Detached

I feel detached from everyone. I'm not the same person I once was and honestly, I miss that person. I don't like being the "negative nancy" that I have been recently. Sometimes it's just hard to find the good in things when the bad out weighs it. I'm full of so much animosity. I have no one to really blame but myself for all of this. I never talk about the serious things in my life because... well, no one cares to listen. That's pretty much what it comes down to. That and no one can relate really. At times it's hard to picture what the future could be because of the fact that I am so stuck on the past. It's a bad habit of mine. However, I am trying to have a more optimistic outlook on life. Yea, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

My inner struggles with myself are destroying my world around me as I speak. It sucks to know that I am self destructing everything that I have ever wanted. I know that you see what I am doing and I just want to apologize to everyone I have hurt along the way. I don't mean to do the things I do..which I know just sounds like I am making excuses. I am really trying to not let other things that are completely irrelavent to other people affect my attitude towards them. We will see how well that works out. Hopefully it's an improvement.

I can honestly say that there is only one person who is in my life right now that I truely respect and that is Branden Andrew Youngs. It has nothing to do with the fact that we are dating...he has never once let me down, ever. He has always been there and always stuck by his word. I've never met anyone like that before. I don't even respect anyone in my family but I do this kid that I haven't even known a whole year. He keeps me going...even when we aren't speaking to one another. He has no idea how much he helps me everyday. I really do appriciate everything he does for me, event he things he doesn't know he does. I am so lucky to have him in my life.

I just don't want to feel alone anymore, I almost always do.

It really sucks that it has taken me this long to realize everything that I have been doing, Not only to myself but everyone around me. I have to change or I wont ever have anything or anyone. Something has to happen and soon.

I have no idea where I am going from here but hopefully it's a better place than I have been recently.

There will be no more

doubting myself
this situation i have put myself in
our relationship
you

Let go Nicole or you will never feel again.
Let go Nicole and just let him in.

Let it be real, Let yourself finally feel something real.
Open up and give it your all or he wont be around much longer.

The best things in life are worth waiting for...
sorry it's taken me almost eight months to get that.

I felt it once before, early on...I know you did too.
Let's light this flame and let it burn,
burn on forever.

Reality is

this world just isn't cut out for marriage.

[I'm just rambling because some people have seriously disappointed me recently..]

I have lost almost all hope for TRUE love. Everyone is just all about themselves and getting themselves off that they don't consider the other persons feelings who which they are involved with.

Truth is, EVERYONE wants to have their cake and eat it too. Think about it, who wants to just have cake and no be able to indulge? However, you must understand that your actions don't just harm you but that they harm everyone around you as well. Think before you do something, you will save yourself a lot of trouble. Trust me, I know..

Honesty is such an important thing in a relationship. Yes, I myself really have no room to talk on this subject because I have lied in my past but never about being with someone else. I can honestly say that I have never once cheated and I have never once thought about cheating. If I want to be with someone else I will be but not while I am dating someone else. I'm committed to the person that I am involved with and completely committed at that. I don't just date anyone and when I do it's legit....for me at least.

Honesty, loyalty and respect are so important to me. I know I've messed up a few times in the past but I am trying more than ever to right my wrongs.

The people around me are really damaging my view on love and marriage and all things of that nature. I just don't understand how you can say you are "in love" with someone and yet be sleeping around on them and such. I also don't understand why people stay with or go back to people who have cheated on them. In my opinion if you do it once you'll do it again, esp since you were not punished for you actions. I have been in the situation with someone that I once thought I loved...Once you see who they really are and realize what they have been doing you start realizing that they never really loved you because if they did then they would be completely committed to you and ONLY you. Words are just words until you follow through. It's a tough lesson to learn but a good one and I am glad that I have experience that and at a young age. I now know what I can tolerate and what I can not and also what I am looking for in a significant other.

I know that I myself am not capable of cheating. I coud never do it. I have experienced it in all forms and there is just no way I would put someone I cared about through something like that. I don't know how people can sleep at night knowing they have cheated. Perfect example, and yeah it's personal but whatever, Jared and I had broke up and Branden and I were hanging out a lot more than before. We stayed the night at Josh's house one night and I kissed him. The next night I hungout with Jared and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Branden and I weren't even really in the "talking" phase or anything at this point. I felt so bad about it because I cared about Branden so much and I wanted to pursue things with him that I told him two days later. It was seriously eating away at me. I just don't see how people can do it! I was single and not tied to anyone and felt bad and I regret it to this day and always will. That's honestly the only thing in my life I regret doing and I would never make a mistake like that again.

I don't really know exactly how I really feel towards relationships and marriage and being "in love" I want to believe that something so amazing does exist but I just have yet to fully experience it or know of anyone who is experiencing it.



As if no one knows already.....
But I have a pretty amazing lovaa<3 (: ! haha

Branden is honestly the most amazing person I have ever come into contact with and I hope that no matter what we will always stay close. We have hit some bumps in the road a long the way, mostly because I was being dumb, but we are working on things. I have faith that we will work things out and maybe just maybe he will mean it some day...
It's hard to explain the way that he makes me feel. All I can say for sure is, I have finally found something R E A L . <3 ILY (:

IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER.

Being with Branden keeps my hope alive. He's the only person who makes me feel like relationships really are worth the time and effort you put into them. Even if you do have a few problems along the way. I'm excited to see what the future has in store for us. (:

I miss the butterflies, it's been such a long time since I've felt them.

I miss the way I use to light up every time you called or someone mentioned your name.

I miss the way you use to look me in the eyes.

I miss being excited to just hear your voice.

I miss date nights.

I miss holding hands.

I miss the phone calls just to talk.

I miss the walks on the beach.

I miss affection for no reason and not just to lead to something more.

I miss all the little things..


I miss the "us" we used to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnIAFv5tOyA
go to it!


I listen to this when I'm down
I always think of you and smile. (:

" You just have to....

date like a dude."

hahaha I love when guys give me advice.

They're right you know...

<3

In order to find myself..I lost myself, for a little bit. I've made mistakes and I am learning from them. Some of which have only hurt myself. Some have caused me to hurt other around me. Everyone makes mistakes and dumb decisions...It's all about what you gain from the experience, in my opinion at least.

I guess when someone tells you something for so long
after a while you start to believe and live by it. Well, not anymore..I'm so much better than that, so much better than you. For years I've let the things you said and did get to me and float around in the back of my mind. I'm done, it's time to let go and get on with things and stop being scared. I can't keep living my life like this.

It's time to bury this...for good. You can't tell me who I am when you've never known. One night doesn't mean shit in my book especially not when you robbed me of my innocence. I'll always hate you and the person you became for all of the things you did to me. I just have one question...why now? Why at all for that matter? If you really want to say sorry then just stay away from me and stay out of my life. Don't come around and don't try to talk to me. I want nothing to do with you, nothing has changed and it never will. I wont ever forgive you, give it up.

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel alive...
For the first time in a long time, I can remember. I haven't felt safe with someone in such a long time. It's a good feeling...a really good feeling. <3

I wont let you take that away from me.

Dear Nicole,

take a few steps back.

Watch your back.

Love,

Self <3

It really irritates the hell out of me

when people don't use their turn signals.
FUCK

this is just crazy

I still can't get over the fact that I have a sister. I mean I've known about it since I was in the 5th grade but back then it didn't really hit me like it has these past few years. I've given the whole situation a lot of thought and I want answers. I want to know who she is, where she is, what she's like. I just want to know everything. I feel that I have a right to know, as does she.

My mom and I wont ever see eye to eye when it comes to this so I'm just going to go about it my own way. Hopefully I will find what I am looking for and if not...at least I tried.

Thanks Branden for making me even more curious than I was before. You have influenced me to do this so you better stick by me while I deal with it. <3

SEX:

Reality or role play?
faking emotions just to get you by,
just to get me by.
For a minute it's everything..
everything you wish it always could be
I don't know what's real anymore
I don't know what I believe in anymore.

Lifestyle

I can honestly say in the last six or seven months that my lifestyle has changed drastically. I guess no one else sees it that way, but i do. I've gone from super party girl getting drunk every night to never going out or always being DD. I never go to clubs anymore, it's just not a good idea. I have a phobia of weird people touching me in ANY kind of way. Even when people walk by you and just put there hand on your back and stuff, it creeps me out. I guess I've been through enough bad experiences in that area and that's why i get so freaked out. I am not at all the same person I was last summer, even though people still associate me with it.

Drinking just isn't my thing anymore. Every since I drank at a hotel with Branden and his friends and apparently was hitting on his good friend I haven't really drank. I don't like not being able to remember what I do or say for that matter. That's how shit happens and I'm just not down for that. I've been there once already, I refuse to go back. Even with people I'm completely comfortable around it still freaks me out. It always takes me back to that one time. I feel like I'm holding myself back in a way but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. Trying to drink away your problems is just not the answer, I use to be that girl..but not anymore. A temporary fix just isn't what I am looking for these days. Admitting I use to drink to escape my problems is a big deal for me and I guess I've just started realizing it the past few months. I don't want to be that person, that is also a reason why I'm just not about drinking anymore.

It just seems like that is all anyone ever does. No one I know is capable of having sober fun, it's all about getting wasted and high or fucked up on some other drug. It kind of sucks. I'm down for having a good time and all and in no way am i being a hypocrite because I drink and smoke too but sober fun is better in my opinion. It's bad when everything you say starts with "and this one time we were so fucked up..." haha but I mean, we are all guilty of that one.

I think it's time for me to stay away from some of that for a while. Until quad fest at least. ;) haha Plus, I don't mind being DD...at least I know I'm safe and the people I care about are safe. Being the only sober one isn't always a bad thing, it's funny to watch everyone make an ass out of themselves. haha (:






from here on out, I'm controlling my attitude and just blowing shit off. Like you say, "If it don't apply, let it fly" and in this case even if it does I'm letting go of it. It shouldn't be a constant battle, pick and choose them. Not everything needs to be disputed...most likely 75% of the time it isn't worth the energy you put into them anyways.

I'm really hoping things work from here on out because I'm honestly genuinely happy when I am with you.<3 I am at the point where I just don't even notice anyone else. I haven't for a while but like really don't notice now. I'm so caught up no one else even matters.

You can't say those words and be numb, you can't.

STARTING OVER

Hopefully this time everything works out.

Truth be told

I give up.



distancing myself from all this before I break down or blow up.

Don't

take advantage of this.

RIP JUAN CARLOS

Waterside death is second downtown slaying in 3 days
Posted to: Crime News Norfolk
Juan Carlos Ovalle-Peralta

By Patrick Wilson
The Virginian-Pilot
© March 23, 2009
NORFOLK

Police are seeking a man this morning on warrants charging him with the killing of another man in the Waterside parking garage Sunday morning, the second homicide in the downtown area in three days.

Police on Sunday night identified the suspect as Reginald E. Royals Jr., 24, of the 6300 block of Ardsley Square in Virginia Beach.

Police identified the man killed as Juan Carlos Ovalle-Peralta, 26, of Fairview Street in Chesapeake. A second man was injured.

"My initial thought this morning was... 'Are we not living in a safe environment?' " said Kevin R. Murphy, the president of the Downtown Norfolk Civic League and a downtown resident on Sunday. "At the end of the day, I'm really impressed with the work of the Norfolk police."

Royals was charged with murder, malicious wounding and two counts of use or display of a firearm in the commission of a felony, Amos said. Police did not release his photo because they were still showing it in lineups and did not want anyone to see the picture in media coverage Sunday.

About 2 a.m., Norfolk police were called to the fourth floor of the garage across Waterside Drive from the entertainment complex. Officers found the two victims, one already dead, said Officer Chris Amos, a police spokesman. The second was taken to Sentara Norfolk General Hospital for treatment.

Police said a minor car crash occurred inside the garage, which resulted in a confrontation between the two victims and three people in another vehicle, all of whom were later arrested. The fight escalated when shots were fired.

The three were trying to leave the garage when officers arrived, police said. Police charged only Royals.

Police did not release the name of the injured victim.

Brian Carter, 24, of Suffolk died Thursday after he was shot downtown during an apparent robbery at about 12:30 a.m. He was shot in a parked car in the 100 block of Bank St.

One of the robbery suspects, Marlon D. Sanders, 19, was then shot and killed by a Norfolk police bike patrol officer on Plume Street after he fired a gun at the officer, police said. The officer was near the robbery and heard the gunshots, police said.

Another suspect in the shooting of Carter, Brighton E. Alderman, 18, was arrested and charged with murder and related charges.

Murphy said he's glad the Norfolk police put officers inside some downtown parking garages on Friday and Saturday nights.

He also said the Waterside shooting reaffirms the downtown council's desire to get surveillance cameras in parking garages.

"For two-plus years we've been trying to get the city to put surveillance cameras in the garages," he said.

Safety there, he said, is growing more important because many downtown residents park their vehicles overnight in parking garages.

Pilot writer Lauren King contributed to this report.

Patrick Wilson, (757) 446-2957, patrick.wilson@pilotonline.com

I just don't know

what to do anymore.



"I will never forget the way you looked sitting next to me
And how you smiled while we rolled around on the ground
But soon we were alone and it was time to learn your taste
And kiss your lips and grab your waist and feel your hips
Late nights have never been the same
And your words a week later could have killed
But when your heart is gone it sinks into the skin"
-Alex Hovis

So forgive me
Cause I don't know what to do
When you look at me

Honestly,

This has all gotten to be really ridiculous.

but without all the yelling and being mad we actually agreed on something and came to a good decision.

We make a good team when we want to.

Isn't it weird how you can be so comfortable around someone and then suddenly feel so very uncomfortable just talking to them?

yeah, I thought so to.
It'll pass.





I don't know what to do..
I need so much more than this.









You're always on my mind...

I'm gonna be just fineeee (:

STAY OUT

of my life.

Have faith in me

Cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe
So cling to what you know and never let go
You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

Follow Your Heart

do it.

Appreciated

All I want is to be appreciated by you.

Funny how time and distance change you

The road you take don't always lead you home....

I feel like I have to write a blog just to get through to you because I can't talk to you any other way due to the fact that you suck at life and wont pick up your phone or respond to a text. It's pretty sad this is what it has come down to but I know you will read this eventually. Probably not for a long time but you know maybe then you will realize what has happened because I don't think you're seeing the bigger picture right now. I've never been so disappointed and let down in my life I don't think. Honestly, I've never been more excited about anything in my life but now I know never to excited like that ever again because being let down hurts so much worse when you were so stoked on it happening to begin with. You're like a brother to me dude and I never thought I'd have to go through all this again, at least not with you.

I feel like I have no idea who you are anymore and you know..at this point I don't care to know. After all these years I never would have thought you would act the way that you have the past 10 days. It's been almost a year since the last time I saw you and while you were here I got a whole TWO hours of your time. I even stayed up half the night just to get that much. It's a good thing I didn't fall asleep waiting around on you since I had got off work that night or I guess I wouldn't have seen you at all. I realize that you have a lot going on in your life right now but uhm...you made a lot of time for Ashley while you were home and yet I, your "lil sis && best friend" got two fucking hours out of ten whole days. What the fuck is up with that? I don't know if this has anything to do with Ashley's sister or what not but if you are going to put a girl before me than you deserve everything that comes your way. I know I sound really mean but uhm...really? I thought I knew you so much better than this. Maybe I would understand more about you not responding to my texts or answering my phone calls or calling me back if you weren't on your phone while you were with me, but you were! I just don't get you anymore. I'm honestly done. It is things like this that are the reason why I have such a hard time trying to commit to anyone. I open up to people and let them in and become close with them and they just find some way to waltz right out of my life, their choice NOT mine. I can't take it anymore. Everyone I've ever cared about has just walked out of my life and you were the ONE person I thought would always be there, always. You said you would, but I guess you lied...just like everyone else. It hurts.... You were like family to me, I put you before my own brother. He's pretty much out of my life I guess you are now too. I can honestly say this came straight out of left field, I was not, in any way, expecting this. I never would have expected this...not from you. How can you just throw away all those years? the past seven years of your life with me? I don't get it. I'm honestly really hurt. I loved you kid, more than anything in this world because you were always there for me, even miles upon miles away because of the air force. I've always been there for you, always and i always would be but I just can't. Not anymore. You've burned your bridges and bridges for other people as well at this point. I'm sure I'm being redundant but truth be told, I don't give a fuck. There is just so much I need to say and want to say but I can't because you don't answer when I call and you don't call me because you are so consumed with other people that you don't have time for me. I don't know what's worse, knowing you are with other people and could careless about spending time with me or not seeing you at all. To be honest, I think I would have rather not known about you coming home at all.

When you read this I hope you realize what is going on and what you've turned this into.

I've never cried over a dude I wasn't seriously involved with before....congrats on being the first and only because I'll never let this happen again.


Who was I kidding? Did I really think we could make it through all the time and distance and still stay close?
Truth be told, yeah...I did...

Anyone who doesn't know you and I and our relationship towards one another would think we've been dating for the last seven years of my life but you know...this is by far way worse than any break up could ever be or has ever been.

I hope you are happy with all the decisions you've made while you've been home and when you go back to Kansas as well...






I mean, who needs a best friend anyways?