eyes wide open

You can't fool me, I know what you do.

I heard that you were trouble

but I couldn't resist...





Started off class right! I got a 100 on my first test. (:
I'm proud of myself. haha I'm really enjoying school. Never thought I'd say that..

Side note: I'M SO READY FOR FALL.




Life is good. Busy but good. (:

Sleep

with one eye open...

Clearly this calls for desperate measures.

It's pretty apparent that I have no privacy, anywhere.

I don't trust anyone anymore.
Myself some days but not everyday.




Holding on feels more and more like letting go.

If I never hear

another word about the state of New Jersey I will live a happy life.





ASSUMING things only makes YOU look ignorant, remember that.



3oh!3 can shove it. I'm so over that damn Helen Keller song...

My life

is about to be a lot less fun and a lot more work. I'm not going to have time for much of anything over the course of the next 8 months but I couldn't be more excited about it.

I'm so stoked and I am more motivated now than I ever have been.

Long days ahead of me but it will all pay off in the long run.




One step closer to a new beginning. (:
I can't wait!

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT I BELIEVE IN ANYMORE

One has to wonder just how many times they can say those words and expect someone to truly believe them.

The more they are said the more the meaning becomes dead.


I don't trust anyone but myself
and even that is questionable lately.

I need S P A C E

"Ever since I replaced the "I" in LIVE with an "O" I can't remember who you are..."

After everything

that I have been going through recently, these past two days were much needed.
Branden has been amazing and I've really missed my best friend. (:

Feels good to be happy, even if it's only for a little while.

I'm not perfect

STOP EXPECTING ME TO BE

I just don't understand why my parents treat me like I'm 12 and have no idea what I am talking about. They should have listened to me five years ago when all this bullshit started. They would have saved a lot of time, money, heartache and embarrassment. I've observed a lot over the years with this whole situation and really, I know what I am talking about. I think I know the best out of all of us how this will play out. It's always the same shit because they just keep fueling the fire. I don't know, I guess because I am on 20 they feel like I don't. It's completely pointless to argue my case because no matter how right I am, they refuse to listen. It's just a waste of breath on my end and time on theirs.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever take me seriously. Lately I feel like my thoughts and opinions just don't matter to anyone.

I'm done trying to hold up this "perfect image". It's not even for me, it's for them. It's ridiculous the amount of pressure they put on me. This so called "perfect image" my mom tries to maintain has slowly torn my family apart and is still continuing to do so. I'm disgusted to say the least, in all honesty. You have to learn to accept the flaws, learn from them and move on. Instead you live your life with all this hate built up because you just can't let go of the past or accept it and move on with it. Isn't that what love is about? Accepting someone for who they are, flaws included? You can't just pretend like nothing happened and that nothing has changed. I have questions and I want answers and I don't care how much you cry over it. IT'S NOT FAIR TO ME. Then again, nothing ever was fair to me in this family.

You can't buy my affection. Money doesn't mean shit to me. I have a lot built up and you wont give me the time of day to tell you how I feel and what I really think of you. I guess that's because you and I both know you can't handle it. The harsh reality of what the past 21 years have meant to me.

I'm not a kid, I'm not naive, I'm not mislead, I'm not unaware. I probably know more than they do when all is said and done. In the end they always realize I'm right. They wont admit it, but they know. Sucks knowing you should take advice from your kid doesn't it? I could save you the trouble but you're too busy being shoved up your own ass to realize what I have to offer. Sucks for you because I no longer give a shit.

someday someone will realize that I have a lot to offer. Maybe once I get myself together it will all fall in place, with or without you. I can do this without you. I am the way I am for a reason, no thanks to you I am improving myself.

I'm realizing a lot about my life recently. It's scary to know that this so called "family" thing most people Cherish and want to have isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be. Not mine at least.


It's time to get off your high horse. You DON'T deserve to be there.

The Pot called the Kettle black

Honestly, I really just can not stand when people are hypocritical.

Sometimes I don't think one realizes just how ignorant they make themselves out to be.


I always said I'd never live my life according to someone else again after I did it for two years....looks like I'm back at square one, I feel 17 again. I mean, I guess I'm just use to it so it isn't that big of a deal but it's really starting to bother me.

You've got your share of secrets

and I am always last to know





Everyone has a hidden agenda these days it seems.

It hurts a whole lot

but it's missed when it's gone...


I don't think people ever really want you to be as honest as they say they do.
Because deep down, it feels good to be so open and honest but people just can't take the truth.

I can honestly say that I have nothing to hide from anyone and even more so...
I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE ANYMORE.

I'm tired of being a mess.
and I keep creating bigger ones.

Call it what you want
but I know what it was.
What it is.

I just wish you did.

People will always hold my past over my head. Even my friends do it. Sorry that everyone thinks I'm such a horrible person. At least I have one person who relates...I just wish I could take the advice that I give to him about it. I'm so good with giving advice but I am horrible at taking my own. That's an art I would be ever so grateful to perfect. Maybe one day I will get it right. As for now, I am finding myself and developing who I am. I don't hate myself, I love myself. There is definitely some serious room for improvement though.

I'm just taking things one day at a time. That's all I can do. Trying to remain positive these days is such a hard task.

I'm starting to realize

just how much my opinions and feelings don't matter to anyone. I'm surrounded by faces but they are all empty. Will I ever find someone that can relate? Someday..

I keep having this dream in which I am in the middle of a crowded city street. I'm in the midst of crossing the street and while there are thousands of people walking by, filling the streets, in taxis, on bikes, in coffee shops....they are all empty faces. Certain figures stand out...they remind me of people from my past except their faces are blank. I'm not quite sure what this means but it's really starting to get old. I guess I've always felt like no one really understands who I really am. no one really gets what I'm feeling. No one ever gave me a chance to show them either though.

I really do believe that you have to lose yourself to find yourself again. I've made a mess of myself the past month or so...making really out of character decisions and having awkward feelings afterward. I've realized a lot these past few months and I'm really glad everything turned out how it did. It was much needed, in so many ways.


Walking in this world with billions of people and yet as I walk I've never felt more alone in my life. There has to be someone out there who feels the way I do. I just can't seem to find anyone who relates. I'm starting to think that I intimidate the new people I meet and scare them off. Friday night I was told I am intimidating....that's something new for me but I guess with my new attitude and view of life after the past few months I could come across that way. For the first time in my life I know what I want and I wont let anything get in my way....I guess I could see that as intimidating. That or I am just full of rejection because I am really just not interested in much of anything anyone has to say these days.

It's easy to act interested..
It's so much harder to actually be interested.

Can someone please hold my attention for more than ten minutes? It sucks being in conversation with someone and just completely losing interest within the first ten minutes.

I just want something new. Somewhere new. Someone new.

Not dating relationship wise but just as a friend. I have all I need in regards to a relationship I just wish I had a good, solid friendship to go along with it.

Everyone I've met recently and gotten close to will be gone before I know it. It sucks. :(

I just want to drop all of my responsibilities and run away for a while. Not run away from my problems or anything. Just get away and clear my head. Meet new people and gain new experiences. The thought of leaving everyone and everything behind just to find something new is thrilling. I want excitement. I want to be kept on the edge of my seat for once...

Please, keep me on my toes.....someone!

I'm tired of this boring routine I call my life. Give me something new, some excitement.

Repeat

I've had the same dream everynight for about a week and a half now..

It's awkward and uncomfortable and I wake up at the same scene everytime. Only, each time I wake up from it my reaction is slightly different. You've got to wonder what this all means...maybe there is a hidden truth I just haven't found yet. Whatever the reason may be behind it, I wish I would stop dreaming it.


I can't wait for Branden to be home. I miss him oh so much. <3