tell me how you really feel

oh wait, you wont.

I've never felt more alone than I have recently.

I need a friend, a good friend
someone I can tell everything to
well not everything but most things
someone I can be around and not be annoyed with
someone who will always be there for me
someone I can just talk to when I need to say things
someone who doesn't judge me

I just want to be close to someone aside from Branden.
I need someone aside from my "boyfriend" to talk to about things
and hangout with and do random dumb things with

I just want someone who I can always count on
and I don't have that right now.

I mean Justin is about as close as I have to that
but with him being so far away due to the air force, it sucks.
Talking on the phone is better than nothing
but I need someone to physically be here for me as well.

I really feel quite alone these days
I find myself reading a lot
and driving around with no destination
which is nice, but I'd like to get out every now and then.

And I don't know why
because I never cared before
but...
I REALLY MISS MY BROTHER.

bet you never thought I'd ever say that.
Despite all of the shitty things he has done
and all the shit he has put me through
he is family and I miss having him around.

I hold so much inside of me
and put up all of these walls
to keep people out
and its ruining my current relationship
or almost did once already anyway
and I would hate for it to cause the end of Branden and I.

I need to rid myself of these walls that I have built
or I will always be on my own because I will never let anyone in
Or let anyone get close

To be honest, that's really all I want.
To be close to someone outside of my relationship with Branden.


I hope whoever reads this doesn't think that I am depressed.
I am actually very far from to be honest.
I have a lot going for me and couldn't be more excited for what's to come.



JUSTIN COMES HOME IN A MONTH
COULDN'T BE ANY MORE STOKED!!!!

It's been almost a year, I can't wait!

I am happy! (:

I hope you are too.



<3

Time

heals all wounds..

Double Standards

...they really blow.

DISCLAIMER: This is in general up until the very end. I am not singling any one individual out. If you get mad or think it is directed towards you...then you are probably guilty.

I don't know who made you all, the male race, think that you were so high and mighty

so superior to the female race but DAMN

You shouldn't be so full of yourselves

Before you point your fingers and judge us

You should take a step back and make sure you aren't being hypocritical

Because you do the exact same things we do




I'd be intimidated if I were you.






========
And really, unless you know something for sure, you should keep your mouth shut. You opinions about me are only making my situation worse.

Worry about your own damn selves and not what the fuck I am doing and running your mouth about something you know nothing about.

Thanks.

Idea v. Reality

I think I just like the idea of IT

more than I really actually like IT

It is what it is...ya know?

There are so many unanswered questions.


" 'Cause this is me, and everything I've dreamed
And you know that I can't just settle for anything

Just once more can we pretend that everything is okay
And that we are all happy

Breathe hope in me
I need you
I try so hard to make this work in my life
I still believe in you"

and it went from "fuck off"
to
"don't ever leave me"
in the matter of half a day...haha


<3 (:
I'm just glad things are right again.
For the first time in 4 days...I feel like myself again.

ecstasy

play it for me baby

sing your heart out

<3

I want

beach nights
movie nights
wednesday date nights
mexican
hunt club
holding hands
kissing in the car
late night trips to walmart
tickle me until i can't breathe
being caught in the rain
web cam talks
missing headlights
tantrums
being close
cuddling
candle lit dinners
L rides
drunk nights
trampoline talks
night walks
sleep overs
driving around look for firewood
kisses on the nose
the way you look at me
falling..
cute texts
twinkle
booface



I just want it all back. ugh.

I'd give anything to take it all back, to start over, to make it right, to be with you.

sometimes

I just need to hear it.

I don't want us to be like this. I don't want it to be one big mess. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to not be with you.

You need space. You need time. You need to fix yourself.

I get it.

I'm waiting. I'm not going anywhere.

You don't want to lose me. I don't want to lose you either.

Truth is, I've never felt this way about anyone, EVER.

I'm not ready for it to be over.

At this point, whatever happens happens.

I'm done crying and being miserable. I can't do it anymore.

I have something I want to say to you.

I hope I get a change to.







Thanks Katie, I found a friend in you tonight. A good one. (:
Thank you so much, You've helped a lot. <3

TRUTHFULLY:
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS


because all I did was ask a fucking question.








I can't do this alone..

her promises

words you use to believe

they are nothing more

than empty words

carved into your empty heart

made out of stone





"The hand of my clock strikes two
In times when I got the best of you
We made promises we couldn't keep
And every night we couldn't sleep.
I didn't know why, but didn't ask questions
because it was the first time in my life...."


I never wanted anything more than what I had. I wish I would have acted like it. It's too late now, it's already gone..

Ramblings

It really is time that we distance ourselves. I just can't even take having a phone conversation anymore. It makes me sad to think that we are falling apart but even if we are, we've had a good run to say the least. I've had times with you that I will never forget and you have always been there for me, for the most part atleast. Up until recetly really. I don't know. I mean people grow up and grow apart, its natural I guess. I miss how things used to be really but i'm afraid we are a little to far "gone" to ever get that back now. I still love you and always will. You've been a decent friend. I really am hoping that having some time to ourselves will better our relationship in the long run.

OTHER WORDS:
I really can't complain right now. Everything is looking up for the most part.

CHUBB is finally coming through for me. It is about time, i've only been working here for three and a half years now. I really love everyone I work with. They are pretty much my second family. I mean, I spend just as much, if not more, time with them as I do my real family. I've gotten really close to some of my co-workers. I'd be sad to leave them all behind but one day I will have to. I finally got a raise. I owe Jamie coffee when she gets back from Hawaii for getting me one. haha As much as I am hating the fact that I am growing up, I am actually quite excited about being hired on full time after this semester is over. It will be something new considering I will be doing a lot of new things. The pay increase is also going to be something I am really looking forward to. I don't know, I've grown up around the "chubb community" It's a part of me and has made a huge difference in my life thus far.

Things with Branden have been well for the most part. We are working through a lot right now, well not really a lot but something sort of big. I have faith though. I am working really hard on being a better person, I hope he can see it. I almost slipped up last night and said something that I know I would have kicked myself for saying later. I wouldn't regret it because it is the most honest thing I've ever wanted to say to anyone but I just can't. I'm glad I caught myself. He really is the most amazing person I have ever met and If he only knew how I felt....

one day..


Well, its time for our luncheon at work.
:)


<3

haha it's an all new kind of excitement.
chatting via web cam wiiit mah lova may be my new favorite!

hahaha that's maaah boiiifraaan. <3

you just keep on walking by

"It's about the nights we spent locked up inside your room it's about the morning breaking always just a bit too soon it's about the way you're scared baby, just maybe I'm aware this is what you need 'cause every time you walk in the room can't help myself i wanna be with you"


This weekend has been very uneventful and completely lame. Last night was...weird? I guess that can be used to describe it, it'll do I suppose. I don't know. I just really got the vibe you didn't wanna be around me, if that was the case you should have just said so. Even though i waited in my car twenty five minutes for you to get home even though you told me to come over, but ya know...for the first time in my life i actually thought before I spoke and controlled my attitude. You must be something special because I've never done that for anyone. I'm actually really happy about it. I proved a lot to myself by doing so and I hope i proved something to you as well. I hope you can see the effort I am putting into us this time around. It's taken me this long but I really am..

Something that has really gotten to me lately is the fact that I am always the one initiating us spending time together. I'm sure it seems dumb but 8 times out of 10 it's ME asking YOU to hangout...it sort of makes me think that if I never asked you to hangout we never would. I don't know, maybe I am just being dumb. Who knows.

Ugh, I hope we make it through all of the struggles and insecurities. It's worth it to me, and it's a lot to ask but I hope you too feel the same.


Oh, my friends...they suck,
By the way.

"But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You will recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occured. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of love does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real- but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."



I have yet to meet someone like this but I'd lke to think that maybe you're it.

January 07, 2009
SCORPIO
October 23 - November 21
Take the risk of revealing yourself today, and you won't be disappointed. Gambling on the hope that people will like you for who you are is pretty much a sure thing right now. You are a lot more intriguing than you realize, and it's in your best interest to be more outgoing. You need to be more open about who you are and what you want to bring to the group. It can feel frightening to let yourself be vulnerable, but there is no better way of connecting with people.


should have been more open and vulnerable from the start, maybe things would be different.

The element of surprise will knock you off your feet, mhm. ; ]




STOKED!

There is beauty in even the simplest things.

Learn to get over the stupid, petty differences.
Thrive on fairness and truth.
Live for love.

Who can you trust?
Well certainly not yourself...

It's time for you to choose

the bullet or the chapstick.

I have been listening to brand new a lot recently. I would have to say that they are probably my favorite band. They just never get old. I could listen to them for days on end, well I have been...

I really am hoping that this doesn't end. I'm not ready for it to be over just yet. I am going to do what I can to make this better and I know you will too. There has been a lot of drama since you and I got involved with one another...I am hoping we can fix all of that, soon. I have a wall built up so high, I need to let go and I am going to. I want to let you in, I really do. I am just scared...I don't feel safe but I guess I never really will...not anytime soon anyway. "Never let fear hold you back" <---- I'm going to try not to from here on out. I am going to put a lot of effort into that...I just hope you realize this. I'm difficult and stubborn and complex. I know this is hard for you so I am going to do what I can to make it easier on you on my behalf. Truth is, I care a lot more than you think I do or I act like I do...I just don't express it because I'd rather you not know. Guess I better start showing it.

sexually

frustrated?

I have never understood why girls feel the need to flaunt their sex lives.

Last night was completely ridiculous. Whoever had the bright idea to party outside when it was like 20 degrees is crazy. There was a bonfire but damn it was cold. I had to give my beer to Steven because it was too cold to hold my cup. I should have just chugged some more, maybe then I would have warmed up. Overall though I had a good new years eve. I spent it with the one person I care more about than myself and that was all I really wanted. =]


BRANDEN ANDREW YOUNGS
mmmmm <3




You make me smile please stay for awhile...