08 wrap up

This year has had its ups and its down but overall it was pretty amazing. =]

Stoked on starting a new year! =]

Sorry If I seemed selfish? last night...I just wanted alone time. For the past week it has been nothing but people everyday all the time. I just wanted to be able to hangout and talk about things and such without there being people all over the place. I usually don't mind it, I guess I am just attention needy at the moment. haha I don't know. I just like having you all to myself from time to time. =] I'm really glad we got to talk last night, it was needed. I feel a thousand times better now. Hopefully from here on out things are a lot smoother.

Here's to our future <3


OTHER WORDS:
Really, I am done. I am not going to sit around and just be there when something is wrong or you have nothing better to do. I am done being a better friend to you than you are to me. If I get ditched for a guy one more time...it's over. You need to clean you act up and quick. Are you really going to ruin a friendship with the one person you have called your best friend over some fucking guys? That's not a best friend to me. You aren't a best friend to me. I am just so done with it. All you ever do when I am with you or talk to you really since we never hangout, is bitch about anything and everything or talk about some guy, and it's almost always a different one each time. Oh so and so tried to get in my pants blah blah blah...I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! what the hell is new? Someone is always tryna get in them and you usually let them. Maybe if you didn't act like such a slut it wouldn't occur so often. damn. You have really pushed me and I am to the point where I can't be pushed much longer. I have had it with you and all your bullshit drama and shit. I'm your friend not your therapist but I'm not even really your friend anymore either. Sorry, I just can't, Not anymore.

I can't, sorry.

"I believe in you"
That really is probably the most meaningful thing anyone has ever said to me...believe it or not.

It's time for me to believe in myself.


Change, It's starting today.


<3




OTHER WORDS:

I was rather shocked that you would come to me for advice and asking my opinion on pretty much the very same thing you did to me. However, at the same time it is nice to know that we still have that connection and we can talk about anything and everything just like we used to. I realized that I really am a good friend, not just to you but to everyone. You of all people have to admit. I mean, I have grown up a lot atleast. Had you come to me before about it I probably would have laughed in your face and told you that karma is a bitch and you are finally getting yours...BUT I didn't. I care to much to cut you down like that. We've been through a lot together. Even in the last year. We don't need to be face to face to be there to support one another. I don't know, maybe I am just crazy but you have helped me through a lot the last three years of my life. I really appriciate it and I will always be around for you when you need to talk. Please remember what you deserve and I'm sure everyone thinks that I am crazy for saying this...but you deserve better. I really think you do. Don't settle for just anyone or anything. We've both grown up, grown apart and changed but some things, they never do change...

My heart couldn't possibly beat any faster
and you might as well be stomping on my chest
With all this weight, I just can't breathe
It's hard to catch a breath
Pause for a second please

Resume
I think this is it...
the finale has come

Lights fade
Black out
Exit stage left

IT'S OVER

DELICIOUS.

hahaha I miss those times. :)




Thanks for making me laugh this morning, I needed it.

I hate you for making me feel this way. If I were anything close to being like you I would hate myself too. It almost makes me feel a little better knowing how much you don't like yourself. I don't care how that makes me sound, it's the truth.




ME vs. THE BOTTLE


I've lost the battle time and time again...
I'm falling back into my old ways.

Everything is just so much easier when you are numb.
But I can't do this, not again.




This weekend has sucked all the way around.

I will continue to fight my feelings.

I don't want
to fall in love
to be in love
to love you


I don't want to
but I'm already in over my head...




now what?
I can't possibly tell you how I feel
I can't, I wont
You don't want to know anyways.

I'm really trying here, I really am
but the more I think about it
the more I don't like you














Don't fall for me...

STOP!

You're here, beside me
I've never felt more alone
Your eyes, they stare deep, dark and cold
A close second to your heart.

With me, her or someone else
It still beats just the same
You're running out of time
I'm running out of breath

Is it over yet?
Erase and rewind
I can't breathe
These lies, they smother me.

Tension builds as trust fades
"I didn't mean for it to be this way"
I'll never give
Never give you what you want

I'm not what you want

The heart builds a wall
I wish you the best
The best of luck getting it down
It'll never break down

STOP! Erase and rewind
Better luck next time
misused and misplaced
New time, New place
New bed, Different face.

I know I make you nervous

but I promise you i'm worth it

I DON'T FUCKING GET YOU, I REALLY DON'T.

Time for Change

The car ride home from norfolk is on repeat in my mind. It plays over and over. I don't ever want to experience anything like it again. For the first time in a long time I was actually .... scared? I guess that is the right word.

I know I can talk to you about anything and everything...it's just a lot harder than that for me. Everyone I care about or ever have has completely walked out of my life so I tend to keep my distance lately. I know I shouldn't let anyone else have anything to do with us...but sometimes it does. I am working on it. I want to be a better person, you make me want that. That moment when I was laying on your couch and you had your arms around me when I was crying about my brother...It really made me feel like this."us" is REAL. It's something I haven't had in a really long time. It really made me realize that I can lean on you when I need to. Not that I ever thought I couldn't because I did but with the way things have been with my "friends" lately it just seemed like nobody really cared. You and I have something that I have never had with anyone and I hope that it's something we both hold on to.

<3




On another note:
I blame myself for this....
I love you and I miss you
Please don't EVER think otherwise.
<3

This wont be enough

but...




I'M SORRY

I really want to travel the world. I want to go anywhere and everywhere and just take it all in. I want to experience things I never have. I want to learn new things and meet new people and just see the world.

If i could afford to I would take a decent amount of time off of work and go somewhere but unfortunately I am unable to do so right now. However, once I can you can count on it happening.

Over the summer I visited some family in Alaska. It was completely amazing. I saw things I never thought I would. I had doubts about going but overall it was an amazing experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wish i could have spent more time there actually. Two weeks just wasn't enough time to take everything in. While I was waiting for my flight the day I was leaving I met a very interesting young man. I was sitting on the floor of a small over crowded airport writing in my notebook. He came over and sat down next to me. The first thing he did was comment on my shoes, apparently that gave it away that I wasn't from there. haha The first thing I thought was great now i'm getting hit on in the airport. However, it wasn't completely like that. We started talking and he began telling me about how he just up and left Georgia once his semester was over and radomly decided to come to Alaska to spend some time and just check it out. He was there for about two months and had gotten a job at a camp there. Then he started telling me how once he returned to Georgia he was then going to go to Europe for awhile and just "explore" what was to him the unknown. He was very motivated and spontaneous. It sort of caught me off guard to hear him say all this. He was just so willing to leave his comfort zone and go out into the world, by himself, and experience a whole new life style. It really made me think. Anyways, he asked why I was there so I told him I was visiting family. We then shared pictures with one another. Right before we boarded our plane we took a picture together with his camera, I wish I would have gotten one with mine too. I don't even remember his name. :( It would have been cool to stay in touch. We were on the same plane to Georgia though. He came back to my seat every now and then to chat...it was a really really really long flight. haha I sometimes wonder if that picture of us is out there on the internet somewhere. I guess I am only writing about this because he really inspired me. I mean I have lived in the same city my whole life. The same house as a matter of fact. Yes, I have traveled but not a lot. I've been to a few places..mostly with my family. I just want to go on a road trip with a really close friend or just book a random flight to somewhere and figure out the rest once we get there.

I want to make the most out of my life and I would like to see the world in a different light than I do currently. I have to leave sometime..I don't want to be in Chesapeake forever.

communication

is the key to a good relationship.


I just wish you would talk to me about everything.

I don't know why I put so much effort into this.

It is pretty evident that it is getting me nowhere.




I'm so tired of feeling like shit about myself because of other people.
and no, I'm not saying things you do make me feel like shit about myself but the words you say sometimes do. You just don't see things the way I am seeing them. Sorry.







I really wish Justin wasn't so damn far away.

Independent

Number 1:
I am so ready to be on my own. I have got to move out of my house and soon. I am going crazy living at home. I have finally reached a point in my life where I am really ready to be on my own. I just want to provide for myself and know that I can stand on my own two feet without the assistance of my parents. I mean, they don't pay for anything as it is now but I live rent free and my mom cooks me dinner almost every night. It's time to put an end to it. I'm sure there are things I will miss but oh well. I need to be on my own, I am ready to be on my own. Now, I just need to make it happen.

Number 2:
Everyone has been on my case recently about what I am going to school for. Well, first of all I know that I am in my second year of college and my major is still undecided but it happens to a lot of people, not just me. Also, IT'S MY LIFE. Let me figure it out on my own. I don't need everyone sopinion about what i should and should not be doing with my life. While it is nice that you are trying to look out for what is best for me, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ME...only I do.

So I finally tell my mom what I am seriously considering going to school for and all she says is , "k". After all the shit she has been telling me and been giving me about it and I finally have a good idea and that is all I get out of her? She didn't even have any emotion about it. It was just a bland dry emotionless "K"

Sorry I can't be who you want me to be. Sorry I'm not the person you thought I was. Sorry that I don't care about what you want for me or what you think is best for me. Sorry that for once in my life I am not consulting my decision with you. Sorry that you put so much pressure on me that I just don't give a fuck anymore. Sorry I'm not the perfect child you wanted.

Atleast I am trying to do something with my life, unlike your son who will never amount to anything. Why can't you just be happy for me. Why can't you be happy that I finally have a grasp on what I want to do with my life. Why can't you say that you are proud of me for everything I have accomplished thus far? All I want is for you to act like you give a shit. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently so. I bet if I was fucked up on drugs and in and out of jail and ruining my life you would care...I guess that is what it takes to get any sort of reaction out of you. Who am I kidding? It has always been that way, ever since I can remember. Ohhh and just so you know, buying me shit doesn't compensate for anything. It never has.

Number 3:
I really am considering seeing someone about all this built up emotion inside of me. It is far from healty and I have held it in for far too long.

Number 4:
I'm really glad we are talking again. It's nice to be able to have regular conversations with you for the first time in almost a year really. I've missed it.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart I wish
you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

I am slowly falling apart I wish
you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

I wish you wouldn't compare me to other people.

Truth is, I am nothing like any of them.

I am slightly baffled.

This morning someone asked me if i was "in love" haha Branden and I are no where near that serious. To be completely honest, I don't want to be even remotly close to being that serious any time soon. I am in no rush to be "settled" if that is what you would like to call it. I enjoy the time we spend together and I think he is probably the most amazing guy that I have ever dated. He keeps me entertained, makes me laugh, and I am really happy having him in my life. He makes me want to be a better person, which is something that no one else has really ever made me want. He doesn't just give in to everything and I don't just get everything I want. That is something I really like. He wont put up with my attitude and doesn't just do things to make me happy but because he wants to do them. I am not really use to that at all. I could talk to him for hours about everything and nothing at the same time and never get bored. Overall, he is an amazing person and I love the qualities that he posses and the way he makes me feel but to answer your question...

No, I am not "in love".

Prove Me Wrong

I just want for you to prove me wrong.

Starting New

I've got a new outlook on life and I couldn't be any happier. I have no regrets about anything in my life that has previously happened. Everyone and everything that was once or still is apart of my life has helped to get me to this point. I wouldn't change a thing.
:)


make mistakes, make the same mistake twice because it's too good to only make once, forgive others, forgive yourself, forget things, party on a weekday, party harder on the weekends, forget that you partied at all, get sick, get so sick that you don't remember how you got sick, skip class, watch movies instead of doing homework, stay up all night before a final, be spontaneous, make plans, break plans, love, get attached, get jealous, fall hard, break hearts and get your heart broken, cry, cry harder than you ever have, then laugh at it later, laugh so hard you can't stop, have moments that you wish would never end, have moments you wish never began, have conversations that you'll never forget, have conversations without saying a word, say the wrong thing at the wrong time, get angry, be confused, it will all become clear.

L I V E

I don't know why people always come to me for relationship advice. I guess just because I have a lot of experience in that area of life, I don't know. It is almost annoying at times. I mean, you ask for advice but you don't listen to it..why waste my time then? Everyone always asks the same question, "How did you get over Pedro so easily and so quick? I'm trying so hard but it just isn't working." I realize that it may be difficult to get over someone but you have to understand that every relationship is different and no one deals with things the same way. Just because it was easy for me doesn't mean it will be equally as easy for you. I just have a very different mind set than most people i know. I take it for what it is, a learning experience and move on with my life because obviously it wasn't meant to work out and there is no point in dwelling on the past because then you let the future and what could be pass you by. That and the fact that Pedro cheated on me six months after we started dating and i didnt find out until we had been together for two years. I guess after being through so much with someone and after they have burned pretty much every bridge possible, it's not that hard to say goodbye. It hurts, of course but after being miserable with your life for so long, it's easy to just let it go. Everyone i talk to about this is always the same, "Oh i hate so and so and they are the worst person ever blah blah blah" truth is you really don't hate them. I will admit that i still love perdro as a person, i am far from loving him the way that i use to but he still holds a tiny place in my heart. Even though Pedro did some horrible things to me, to this day I will tell you what a great person he is and how he really is a good boyfriend when he wants to be. How can you hate someone that you have shared so much with? Someone you have put so much time and energy into, Someone that has been a huge influence on your life? No matter how long you dated, because i find it rare to have people who have been with someone longer than six months to be asking for advice on getting over people, which i find a little weird that it is that hard when Pedro and I were together for two years and we just walked away from each other like it was nothing, then again we both saw it coming too. I guess for me it was easy to do because there wasn't a lot left at that point. I wasn't happy with us at all and he was controlling and lied all the time to cover up everything he had done. After we broke up we exchanged a handful of mean words with one another and while at the time they hurt, we both know neither of us meant the things that we said but i feel like that helped me a lot to be able to just drop everything and walk away. I don't really know. I saw it coming to be completely honest with you and he will tell you the same. The reason we broke up was complete bullshit really, it was just an excuse to end it. It's like they say, the first time never lasts, I mean...like i was really going to marry someone i met in the tenth grade and dated when i was 17? Most likely, no one in that situation will. Yeah you end up talking about it after being serious for so long but it is far from reality. Even though we planned pretty much our whole life out together...I realized that once he was out of my life i was a lot happier, that isn't love. We stopped speaking for a while, a good while which is something i think everyone needs to do before trying to form a friendship. Really, you just have to let go of everything, which is hard for everyone i know, but until you are no longer bitter towards them for the things they have done to you, you wont get over them. Despite all of the things Pedro and I have been through and everything he has done to me, I have no hard feelings at all. I hold no grudges and I don't hold anything against him. It just takes time really but you have to realize that well, life goes on. Relationships aren't black and white, they are a very grey area and they aren't meant to be easy. You take the bad with the good and keep going on. Look at it as a learning experience not a waste of time. After all time you enjoy wasting with someone isn't time wasted at all.

So this is really like all over the place but I just felt like I needed to write about it because people ask me so often why it is easy for me to get over people I date, mainly Pedro because he was my most serious boyfriend. Take it for what it is, a learning experience and don't dwell on it. Trust me, there are bigger and better things out there. Just think about the positive side of it. Let go and stop being bitter about it, it happened and it is now done and over..move on with you life and use your experience to better yourself and your next relationship.

That's just how i look at it.

Sunday drives have always been my favorite, as you know. I listened to this song in my car a few times an i feel like it fits perfectly. After talking with you the past few days....it pretty much explains everything. Sorry but you're too late now because I have found someone who treats me well and he is the most amazing person I have ever met.

Taylor Swift "White Horse"

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time 'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holding on,The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known,
I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naïve,Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake i didn't want to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings; Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror, Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.

I had an unexpected conversation yesterday. It was somewhat awkward even but i am glad it happened. When your past catches up with the present the truth starts to come out.

I don't know why you would apologize a year later for the things that you did and i really don't know why you would still feel bad about it. We've both moved on, what is the point? I don't really think your girlfriend would be to happy with the things that you were saying, not that they were bad but it's almost like you aren't happy, I don't know. I love you, I always will but I am soooooo much happier now than i was a year ago. The choices you made caused me to leave, sorry. It's funny that you regret it...i think so anyways. I guess maybe now you are realizing what a great thing you had and ruined over some random girl one night throwing two years away. You are still living your life as we planned it, just with someone else. You will do great things with your life, i believe that. I wish you the best of luck with everything and maybe one day our paths will cross again, that's what you always say.










Branden is amazing. <3 :)
luhhh yew

I like daisies, just sayin' :)

Time Passes

Time passes, slowly most of the time
sometimes quick
Words fall from your mouth
worthless and meaningless
emotionless mostly

You're hoping she will buy into
all your lies
after all, that's all you are
one big lie after another

Time passes, slowly most of the time
sometimes quick
you try and convience her of
every empty word
that meaninglessly falls from your lips

She wont ever forgive you
for the bruises you left
or the words that you said
while you were beating her down

Time passes, Slowly most of the time
Sometimes quick
She wants to run but falls
for the dry empty words tattooed on your lip

She knows she can escape
but fears for her life
You've got her right where
you want her, afraid to make a mistake

Do you feel better about yourself
knowing you cause so much
heartache, pain, and sorrow
If only she would live to see tomorrow

"You take in everything with a certainty I envy,
It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please!"

Hate: dislike intensely; feel antipathy or aversion towards.
I do not hate anyone except for one person in my life and everyone knows who that is, just claifying.

"He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy She was a wreck, but he loved her She was a wreck, but so was he And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say but "Thank you because you loved me, it's all on me cause I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay..." Live, live, live because you love, love, love And love will make you give, give, give And give in when you break, break, break But you just want to fix yourself Just to break again..."

You were in my dreams last night, often you are. It never changes, it's always the same. I'm pushing you out of my life and you are struggling just to survive. You chase after me but i am caught up in someone new. Little do i realize, you need me more than anyone knows you do. I always wake up at the same time every night i have this dream. It's right before you kill yourself and you tell me, "I've never had these feelings for anyone and I'm glad you came into my life but i'll never forgive you or myself for you walking out of it so easily. I love you Nicole, with everything in me..i'm just sorry you don't feel the same. I guess i was just a player in your game, you play it well if i do say so myself. When you sleep at night i hope you think of me, that's all you can do. After all, we will never make another memory..." Then while holding my hand you take your life....i wake up feeling really depressed. I thank god everytime i wake up from this that you are still alive.

Please, stay out of my dreams. You're turning them into nightmares.

I just want you to know that i don't care if you think i am a shitty person.
I don't care what you have to say about me or the mistakes i have made.
I'm not perfect, but here's a secret: NEITHER ARE YOU
Talk all the shit you want to.
You don't know shit about me.
You don't mean shit to me and neither does your opinion.
You may be his friend but he is the only one that matters.

Maybe i just like the things he says
Maybe his thoughts are exactly like mine
and that is why i am so interested
Maybe reading what he has to say
gives me a better sense of self being
Maybe he just makes me feel
like I'm not alone
and I'm not the only one
who has these feelings or thoughts.

I don't ever want to meet him in person
I just want to continue reading what he writes
Because he makes me feel normal...
or atleast somewhat close to it.

FUCK YOU FOR TURNING THIS INTO SOMETHING IT ISN'T
FUCK YOU FOR MAKING HIM THINK OTHER WISE

I mean, I'm far from perfect and yeah, i have made a few mistakes thus far
but stop making me out to be someone i'm not. I'm pretty sure that no one really understands me or the way that i think or why i am the way i am. I guess this is all my fault because i don't oen up to anyone. Here's a secret....IM SCARED. My whole life i told myself that when i was in a relationship i wanted it to be just like my parents because they have always been so "in love" and i am finding out and have known for quite some time, that if it weren't for me when i was younger my parents wouldn't even be together. While it is nice to know that i am what kept them together it is shitty to know that i am the only reason they "fixed" things, or whatever you wanna call it. I have live the last nine years of my life in denial and i refuse to do so anymore. I don't care if you don't like me and i don't care if you think i am a shitty person. I'm scared of being "in love" i will admit that much. The one time i thought i was was just a bullshit waste of two years. I mean, i learned a lot but it completely scared me and i don't know if i'm ready to be that close to anyone. Maybe that is why i don't even know it when i am doing the dumb things i do. Maybe that is my heart trying to push you away...i don't know. I don't know anything...i don't know what i want out of life or from anyone who is still in my life. However, i do know that i NEED you in my life because you are the only thing that holds me together right now. I'm sorry if you don't feel like i do, but i am letting you know that I DO NEED YOU. I'm trying to be a better person and obviously i am just not capable because every time i turn around i am fucking up in some sort of way.

Someone told me:
"If you aren't happy with yourself then you can't make someone else happy being with you."
I am happy with myself and i am happy with you.
I'm not happy with a lot that goes on in my life and one day you might understand that.

I've come to realize that i don't respect anyone in my family.

My brother is a fucking mess and i don't ever think he will amount to anything or make anything out of his life. It's a down hill battle with him and he is never going to win and neither am i. I'd be lying if i said i wasn't jealous of other people and their relationships with their siblings...i want that. I once had it but it's lost and i don't think i'll ever get it back. I have a lot of resentment inside of me because of him and i don't know if that will ever change. He has impacted my life in so many ways...mostly bad but the bad ways encourage me to be a better person.

My father, he has always been there and has always been a great person. He never missed the important things in my life and has always been very loving. I'm sure you don't understand why i have little to no respect for him but the select few that know the whole story understand why. While he has always palyed a huge role in my life he hasn't played a role at all in my half sister's and that really bothers me. I feel like he should atleast own up to the fact that he had a kid with someone else after being married to my mother and having two children. I mean, how do you sleep at night knowing that to her you are nothing more than a dead beat dad who sends a check in the mail but that's it? I just don't get it and for you to sit there and say that you are in love with my mom? You have got to be kidding. I don't hold it against you completely...but it has really made me lose respect for you. You are better than that, you have proved it to me...why can't you prove it to her?

My mother on the other hand, she has got to be the strongest person i know. She has been through so much between my father cheating and my brother fucking up left and right and even i have had my fair share of shitty moments, don't we all? I admire her and the fact that she has put up with so much and has stayed strong for our family and well, me mostly. I have lost some respect however due to the fact that she just let everything happen. How can you just left "the love of your life" do something like that to you and just be ok with it? Not saying she is ok with it but i mean...she stuck around..because of us kids mostly.

I have a right to know about my half sister. I mean i don't even know her name or how old she is. I want to know, i've wanted to know for the past nine years. I've questioned it a lot recently, i'm guessing because my relationship with my brother is so shitty but i don't really know. All i know is i have these nightmares about her. I just want closure, answers, the truth. I just want some sort of knowledge on the whole thing. I mean it would be nice to not have to act like nothing ever happened and like my life was perfect...because it isn't. It as well as i am far from perfect.

I have a lot built up inside of me and no one to talk to about it who wont judge me. Atleast, that's how i feel about it.

I don't mean to take things out on you and i don't want to, i do it without realizing it and that really scares me. I'm sorry.

You deserve so much better
I wish i was a better person
maybe then i could sleep at night.

I'm starting to realize why i am the way i am.
I'm not happy about it and i plan on making some changes.
I'm not saying i hate my life or anything because i feel like if it weren't for everything i have been through and experienced i wouldn't be who i am today but changes need to be made. I can't change anything that has happened so i need to start with myself.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
You mean a lot to me and i can't blame you for feeling the way you do
I have some proving to do and i guess i should start now
or rather i should have started a while ago.
I'm sorry for everything...

There are two types of secrets:
Those we hide from others
and those we hide from ourselves

I don't think i have ever been so interested in someone that i know nothing about. Well, other than his thoughts and views on life and everything that is involved with it. His views on things challenge my mind, make me think outside of what i think is considered the "norm" if you will. I never knew people like him existed, It is completely mind blowing. The passion behind his words is so real. If you were to ask me, I would say he is a very genuine guy with a big heart and big dreams and who will make a huge impact on the world or at least someones life. Just reading his writings has impacted my life and I have never met him. Just imagine what he is capable of in real life.

He has captivated me and he doesn't even know it.


edit::
I guess i am just some easy target, someone you think you can walk all over. I am so tired of being the one you take all of your anger out on. channel that anger into something positive. Whatever you do, i refuse to be the one you take it out on. I shouldn't suffer just because i happen to be around when you feel like unleasing your inner devil. Try to keep it under control thanks. :)

With everything that has been going on in my life recently, i have been doing a lot of writing and such. I try to not to get mad about it. I mean, when it comes down to it, It's not like the other person is mad...only i am. I have been turning my frustration into creative energy. It is a much better way of dealing with things. I use to just keep everything inside and that has turned me into what Branden calls a "fire cracker" apparently i have a short fuse. I am getting better though!

As far as sleeping goes, I haven't been doing much of it. I mean i sleep but i wake up a lot of go to sleep really late at night when i have to be awake really early the next morning. I think this problems is deep within me somewhere. I just wish i knew what it was that is causing this because it would be nice to be able to get a decent nights sleep for once.

I am sitting in class today and i asked myself

How far can you get, living in the same place your whole life..?

I am still waiting for an answer..

:)


Becoming best friends before lovaas is the way to go. <3

I just feel like rambling.

There is so much more to me than a pretty face, i wish more people would realize that. I think i am like the only girl who gets annoyed with people telling her she is beautiful all the time. It gets old. How about you compliment me on something aside from my apperance for once. Lets look a little deeper than the surface one time in our lives. While it's nice to have people say you are beautiful...i only like when one person calls me beautiful and that's Branden. It actually means something coming from him. As horrible as this sounds...i know that i am pretty so how about you try telling me something i don't already know.

On another note:
Branden and i stayed up until 5 this morning laying on his couch talking about anything and everything and nothing all at the same time. I don't think the two of us could ever run out of things to talk about. He really amazes me. I felt something last night that i have never felt before..i hope i never lose that feeling.

We wasted our day away together today and i really enjoyed it. We didn't even do anything really. Just talked and layed around watching random things on television. Just having him there with me made my day so much better. We had a lot of fun doing nothing. :)

ohhh i'm fallling....<3

Other words:
Whatever happened to having a best friend? I am no longer going to give that title to anyone. It seems some people are slacking in that department lately...oh well. I don't NEED you in my life so if you want to walk out or push me out that is fine with me.

I wish i had a brother who gave a fuck...

the pain of this runs deeper than anyone will ever understand. :(

There are some emotions that your heart feels that your mind just can't put into words.

That's how you make me feel. :)




BAY<3

Please forgive me for the mistakes i make, after all...I'm not perfect. I have flaws..sorry. :(


This is my life & I am living it
But i have no idea what the hell is going on half of the time.

Branden, You are amazing...sorry I'm so shitty of a girlfriend.
I can't blame you for hating me but i hope you don't...and i can't blame you for putting a wall back up..after all, i fucked up.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve here...it's all you babe.
You are all i want. <3




"Just hold me closer now, don't let this get away.."

I don't always make the best decisions
and i end up hating myself later because of it.

Sorry for being such a shitty girlfriend.
I'm going to work on the quality of myself.

You are a really great guy and deserve so much better than what i have been giving you. I promise things are going to change.

"No one ever said it was going to be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it."


<3

I have a thing for photography.
I also like to do it while i am driving.
If you can't tell...the light is green and you can see my stearing wheel at the bottom.

The lack of maturity in some people kills me.
GROW UP

I don't care about the past and i certainly don't need you putting your two cents in about it. If you hold the past over a persons' head you are no better of a person yourself. We all make mistakes, we even make the same mistakes more than once but it is what we gain and take from those experiences that changes our life in some sort of way. Judging someone based upon only their past is by far the worst thing you could ever do. Young and dumb, ever heard that? When you are younger you are expected to make mistakes, lots of them that is how you learn what you are suppose to do and what you aren't suppose to do. Yeah, we all know right from wrong for the most part but there are some things that you just have to do anyway to find out for yourself what would happen, even if that means hurting others in the process. There are some things you just have to risk everything for.

However, don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

I just want to say
THANK YOU for not running away
even though i bet you wanted to

I need to go for a drive
clear my head
forget about some things
that i have done in my past
it's really starting to haunt me

I don't know why i do this to myself
or to you for that matter
ohh im a mess
i hope you can deal with it
Im not so sure that i myself would though
and that is what scares me


"I am the cause to all your problems. Shelter from cold. We'renever alone. Coordinate brain and mouth. Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew."

These thoughts in my mind are starting to consume my life. ha I have so much going on that i don't even know where to begin trying to sort them all out. I have these images..ohh the wonderful images in my brain. ha I wish i could print them out and share them with the world, maybe then someone would understand my views and way of thinking. Or maybe they would just get me...i don't know. I just wish there was someone who understood how i was feeling so that i could talk to them. People say they understand but they don't. Unless you've been in this place you never will.

I've just felt recently, like i have no idea who i am. I hide my feelings and put on a "show" for everyone. Everyone things i have everything together when really...im on the cusp of crumbling apart. I hate not knowing things about my life. I like knowing what is up ahead and what is going to come next and right now i don't have that security and i am beginning to freak out. :( I am a control freak, i blame my mom for this, and i don't really feel as though i have control of anything going on in my life at this current point in time. It's a shitty feeling, no knowing what is up ahead. I lose control and then everything just seems to spiral downward, i need to gain back some control before i throw everything away. I've thrown enough away this year because i got scared and freaked out. I don't want to do that anymore.

what the fuck dude

so first of all im pissed at shit because my brother didnt call me on my birthday right
then he calls me today and i ignore it cuz i was busy
he calls back tonight and i wasnt at my phone
so i call him back
and he is giving me excuses for why he didnt call

WHAT THE FUCK EVER
CARRY THAT BULLSHIT

so then we are talking and im being nice
because im not tryna get into it
we barely talk as it is
and he comes outta no where
and asks me if im doing coke
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

ugh, i am so fucking pissed.

As if you haven't hurt me enough in my life
torn my family apart
ruined my relationship with my mom that just recently started to get better
but we finally build up a relaitonship again
after all he bridges you've burned from me
after all the shit you put me through
and after all that i have done for you
and you come at me with some bullshit like that?
and im more mad at the fact that you could take time
to leave me a fucking myspace comment
like every other random person on the internet
but you couldnt fucking pick up a phone
and call your sister
on her birthday

AFTER ALL IVE DONE FOR YOU AND AFTER ALL YOUVE PUT ME THROUH I THINK I DESERVE ATLEAST TWO MINUTES OF YOUR FUCKING TIME.
it's not like you had to waste your whole day with me.
all i wanted was a two minute phone call.
is that too much to ask for?

I have so much built up inside of me over you from the past 5 years
so much ive held back from saying because i didnt want to hurt you
i dont know why i gave a fuck, because you sure as hell dont.

grow the fuck up.
get your life together.
get your priorities in order.


dude whatever





blood is thicker than water
except in this case

Today's my birthday!
haha it's nothing special really...just another year older. One year til im 21. That's cool i suppose.
I am just hoping that this year my birthday goes a lot more smoothly than the past two years have. I am thinking it will seeing as how this year i wont be celebrating it with Pedro. haha He is a great guy but man he could ruin a special occasion. haha

Anyway, i get to spend the day with Branden and i'm pretty stoked on that. He is a really great guy and i really couldn't ask to have a better boyfriend. He's a sweetheart. :) Not to mention i kind of maybe like him just a little bit...or a lot. Whichever. ha <3

Then there's Cassie, man i would be lost without that girl. We don't always see eye to eye but she is my bestfriend and has been there for me through a lot of rough times. I love her more than anything.

We are all going to dinner tonight and i am so stoked! :)

My mom is my bestfriend & my daddy is the only man i'll ever need.
My bestfriend is amazing and i have the best boyfriend ever. :)
What more could a girl ask for?

PHILADELPHIA PHANTOMS beat the norfolk admirals tonighttt!
5 to 4 in over time with seconds left on the clock!
such a great gameeee :)


and then to top off the night
Holly and i went down to showcase after the game
and watched the last pitch of the world series
THE PHILLIES WON! <3

WOO!


mmm i love philly! <3

he sweet talks his way
between her thighs
kissing her neck
gazing in her eyes
tells her everything
she wants to hear
on her face
you see the fear
she's been wating
her whole life
to find out
what it feels like
to be in love
but it isn't real if it's just one night

I think i should take a step back
and take a look around
to realize what this all means

There's so much more to me than what's on the surface
I sometimes wonder if anyone really sees it
in my eyes
or hears it
in the way that i talk
If anyone can tell by the look on my face
and the look in my eyes
that there is more than meets their eye

I've been holding back so much
I want to be able to let go
but i can't and i wish i knew why
why i was holding back
why i wasn't just doing
what i want
when i want
and how i want


I just want to scream from the top of my lungs
until i get through to you
until i can make you feel what i feel

because you'll never understand me until you do

I'm going to break your walls down
i hope you are ready
ready to feel alive and believe things can work
regardless of what your mind may think
I'm going to make your heart feel

I just hope you are ready
and you can handle
everything i'm ready to offer

I found what i've been looking for all this time
and i found it the moment i looked into your eyes.

<3

I want to experience things i never have before.

Take it how you want it, it's open for interpretation.

Call me crazy but
is it wrong to want stability in my life?

I just like being settled down, i've never been much of someone to just do random things and party like crazy. I mean i've done my fair share of partying and going out but really when it comes down to it...i'd rather be at home with my boy rather than out with a bunch of random people.

Everytime i talk about how i want stability and how i want to be settled down i hear the same thing, "you're too young to be settled down".

However, I really don't think age has anything to do with it.

Great mood! =]

Today has just been...great! ha which is really random because i didn't really do much of anything today. I woke up and didn't go to class until one, went to the post office and then came home. I am just in a really great mood today and i am thinking the cause of all of this is last night. =]

Time apart makes you appriciate the time you spend together so much more.
even if it was only 4 days. haha <3


Who needs a title anyway?

Starting again

I had a blog awhile back and i haven't used it in forever. I have decided to start "blogging" again due to the fact that i have been writing a lot recently.


I find it all a bit too funny how people who don't even know me try to tell me how i should be living my life. It would be one thing if we were close and you were putting your two cents in but i don't even know you..therefore...carry your opinion somewhere else because it is pretty much meaningless to me.

I don't know if i have just changed a lot or all my friends have gone crazy recently but i feel like i am growing up a lot faster than they are. I just can't deal with people being rude or constantly complaining. I'm not like that and i don't expect other people to be that way towards me. But then again..no one is ever equal when it comes to me it seems. I always put myself out there and put everything i have into something and people just take it for granted. Sometimes i wonder if i am just too nice. My biggest flaw, in my eyes, is the fact that i will almost always look past the bad in people and focus on the good. Many people tell me that isn't a flaw however, it is when it is hurting me in return. I just don't know anymore.
blah. whatever.
I just feel like you should try and be considerate of other people's feelings when saying things. I mean you might be mad but think about if you really even have a right to be mad to begin with, ya know? Or if it's not even them you are mad at but just that you are taking your frustration out on them because they are around.Maybe i just think completely different from everyone i know. I don't know. But i am realizing more and more each day that the people who have been my friends for so long are starting to fall short.But maybe its just me. Maybe i am really the one who is changing and i am the problem..i just don't know. But i highy doubt it's me that is the issue within all of this.

If you are going to get mad about me saying how i feel then so be it. I am not going to hold back my feelings..it only destroys me on the inside if i do. This isn't about one person it is about everyone in general so don't take everything to heart.

On another note:
Why do people always try to ruin the good things i have going on in my life? I mean really.What the hell did i ever do that was so bad to you that you feel like you have the right to ruin things in my life? Branden is completely amazing and he makes me really happy. So why can't everyone just be happy for me, us? But regardless of what anyone has to say, we have something worth holding on to and we plan on doing just that. You can't break us so don't try. I don't wanna hear about how i can do better or blah blah. There isn't better. He is all i want. So stop with your jealous comments because he's got my heart and you don't. It isn't helping you any..if anything it's only making you that much more unattractive.


I know i make you nervous but i promise you i'm worth it. <3



Take heart, sweetheart.