mr.bRIGHTside

....
I miss you? No, no, no, no I don't.
Just have thought about you often recently.







ohh you never forget the first one.

all good things must come to an end

what if it never got a chance to start?

I just can't continue to live like this. We both have expectations that we want this to live up to and well, we can't help but fall short every time. It's days like today that make me question everything I thought I know, thought I felt...

Maybe Matt was right. Maybe we are wasting time on something that isn't meant to be and we are missing out on what is? All I know is that I am for sure tired of fighting an uphill battle. It has to get easier, it has to. Something has got to give.


Six months or so ago Karen told me "when it's right all this kind of stuff wont happen. It wont be a contant struggle." When does it get easier?

Last Summer Night of the Year.

So there I stood, 31ST Street in Virginia Beach on the last summer night of the year. The air was crisp with the smell of salt water. Mae was playing one of my favorite songs 'Destination Beautiful' and as I stood with my eyes closed singing along...it hit me. I was finally at ease. Something just clicked. For the first time in a while I felt relaxed and comfortable being in my own skin. My whole summer consisted of me being in an alternate universe, it feels good to be back in my own skin.

It's good to be "home"

sometimes

I can't bare to face myself in the mirror in the morning.




and I, I've lost my will to fight
and I, I forgot what it's like to feel alive
when I close my eyes, all I see is the white light
I walk towards it, I'm tired of living with this regret

I miss this

I miss this kind of carefree side of us. Not a worry in the world....

never thought

those words could ruin a moment. Obviously I thought wrong.

It's just so easy

for everyone to tell me to just drop it when they are on the outside of the situation. Not saying that the fact that he could die tomorrow makes me want to keep myself in this shitty situation but it does effect the way I think about things. I mean, I really just think time and space would do us good but I'm so afraid to put space between us. If anything were to happen during that time period...I just, I would hate myself for it every day for the rest of my life. I would never forgive myself. It's just hard to see things clearly when there is so much weighing down on me. To think, the best advice anyone has given me thus far was from the one person who is the cause of most of these problems. Well, aside from myself that is...

Eventually, I will have a better perspective on things. Until then, I guess I just have to shut everyone else who comes along out of my life.





This weekend was a complete mess. I'm just glad I got to spend time with the people I did. It's nice having other people to talk to every now and then. Not to mention that laying in the driveway with courtney and Brittany smoking hookah was exactly what I needed yesterday. I love those girls. (:

"You're more than just a pretty face"

I've heard it all before.

"It's always so hard to part with you."
What does that even mean? People are creeps.

GET LOST

GET OUT WHILE YOU'RE STILL BREATHING INSIDE
SHE'S A MANEATER, SHE'LL EAT YOU ALIVE




Just leave me alone please.

To be completely honest

I have no regrets and am finally at ease.

Note to self: Never let anyone else tell you what kind of person you are.

After talking with Sam about it I have concluded that I am content. I mean, things turned out shitty but I'm so lucky to still have him in my life. It's nice to have good friends who make you realize that even though the situation is shitty technically you didn't do anything wrong. I mean I know I did but really, it's my business.


Truth is, I gave my heart away a long time ago and I never really got it back.






Now i just can't wait to play in the rain when i get out of class. Hopefully it's still raining then. ;)

This has been

by far, the worst weekend I have had in a long time. I am covered in bruises and have a nice hand print wrapped around my arm.


Taking space & time to heal.



Ohh I'm just a M A N E A T E R
didn't cha know?

fuck me

and leave me for dead

If actions speak louder than words

Does that mean last night meant something?

Innocent Fun

I just want to have innocent fun.

I want someone to play in the rain with me, take random day trips with me, cook with me, paint with me, dance with me, go antique / thrift store shopping with me, ride bikes with me, stay up all night watching really bad old movies with me, play pacman with me, have pillow fights with me, someone i can be myself around who wont judge me, someone to listen to my crazy ideas and thoughts on the world, someone to put a smile on my face in the simplest of ways. Someone who doesn't have a hidden agenda.

I just want to have innocent fun.




I had it but then I lost it. It's still there but it's not the same.
I'm ready for the change of seasons, work, school and most of all the change of myself.

My heart races at the thought of you...

why do I even bother?

I don't know the answer to that question so I am willing to bet you couldn't tell me why either.