HYPOCRITE

It really pisses me off when people get mad at me for doing something when they are doing the EXACT same thing BEHIND my back. Save your bitching for someone else because I refuse to let you make me feel bad about something when you are just as guilty. You think you can trust people and what they say and then you find out differently. I'm not letting you bring me down. Just blow it off and keep it moving and do what I want to do.






On another note, I am trying to be more positive about things. It's working so far. I have most certainly been looking at the positive side of things more so than the negative ones today. I am really excited for summer and everything it has in store. The next few weeks / months are going to be really exciting! I can't wait. (:

Detached

I feel detached from everyone. I'm not the same person I once was and honestly, I miss that person. I don't like being the "negative nancy" that I have been recently. Sometimes it's just hard to find the good in things when the bad out weighs it. I'm full of so much animosity. I have no one to really blame but myself for all of this. I never talk about the serious things in my life because... well, no one cares to listen. That's pretty much what it comes down to. That and no one can relate really. At times it's hard to picture what the future could be because of the fact that I am so stuck on the past. It's a bad habit of mine. However, I am trying to have a more optimistic outlook on life. Yea, it's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

My inner struggles with myself are destroying my world around me as I speak. It sucks to know that I am self destructing everything that I have ever wanted. I know that you see what I am doing and I just want to apologize to everyone I have hurt along the way. I don't mean to do the things I do..which I know just sounds like I am making excuses. I am really trying to not let other things that are completely irrelavent to other people affect my attitude towards them. We will see how well that works out. Hopefully it's an improvement.

I can honestly say that there is only one person who is in my life right now that I truely respect and that is Branden Andrew Youngs. It has nothing to do with the fact that we are dating...he has never once let me down, ever. He has always been there and always stuck by his word. I've never met anyone like that before. I don't even respect anyone in my family but I do this kid that I haven't even known a whole year. He keeps me going...even when we aren't speaking to one another. He has no idea how much he helps me everyday. I really do appriciate everything he does for me, event he things he doesn't know he does. I am so lucky to have him in my life.

I just don't want to feel alone anymore, I almost always do.

It really sucks that it has taken me this long to realize everything that I have been doing, Not only to myself but everyone around me. I have to change or I wont ever have anything or anyone. Something has to happen and soon.

I have no idea where I am going from here but hopefully it's a better place than I have been recently.

There will be no more

doubting myself
this situation i have put myself in
our relationship
you

Let go Nicole or you will never feel again.
Let go Nicole and just let him in.

Let it be real, Let yourself finally feel something real.
Open up and give it your all or he wont be around much longer.

The best things in life are worth waiting for...
sorry it's taken me almost eight months to get that.

I felt it once before, early on...I know you did too.
Let's light this flame and let it burn,
burn on forever.

Reality is

this world just isn't cut out for marriage.

[I'm just rambling because some people have seriously disappointed me recently..]

I have lost almost all hope for TRUE love. Everyone is just all about themselves and getting themselves off that they don't consider the other persons feelings who which they are involved with.

Truth is, EVERYONE wants to have their cake and eat it too. Think about it, who wants to just have cake and no be able to indulge? However, you must understand that your actions don't just harm you but that they harm everyone around you as well. Think before you do something, you will save yourself a lot of trouble. Trust me, I know..

Honesty is such an important thing in a relationship. Yes, I myself really have no room to talk on this subject because I have lied in my past but never about being with someone else. I can honestly say that I have never once cheated and I have never once thought about cheating. If I want to be with someone else I will be but not while I am dating someone else. I'm committed to the person that I am involved with and completely committed at that. I don't just date anyone and when I do it's legit....for me at least.

Honesty, loyalty and respect are so important to me. I know I've messed up a few times in the past but I am trying more than ever to right my wrongs.

The people around me are really damaging my view on love and marriage and all things of that nature. I just don't understand how you can say you are "in love" with someone and yet be sleeping around on them and such. I also don't understand why people stay with or go back to people who have cheated on them. In my opinion if you do it once you'll do it again, esp since you were not punished for you actions. I have been in the situation with someone that I once thought I loved...Once you see who they really are and realize what they have been doing you start realizing that they never really loved you because if they did then they would be completely committed to you and ONLY you. Words are just words until you follow through. It's a tough lesson to learn but a good one and I am glad that I have experience that and at a young age. I now know what I can tolerate and what I can not and also what I am looking for in a significant other.

I know that I myself am not capable of cheating. I coud never do it. I have experienced it in all forms and there is just no way I would put someone I cared about through something like that. I don't know how people can sleep at night knowing they have cheated. Perfect example, and yeah it's personal but whatever, Jared and I had broke up and Branden and I were hanging out a lot more than before. We stayed the night at Josh's house one night and I kissed him. The next night I hungout with Jared and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Branden and I weren't even really in the "talking" phase or anything at this point. I felt so bad about it because I cared about Branden so much and I wanted to pursue things with him that I told him two days later. It was seriously eating away at me. I just don't see how people can do it! I was single and not tied to anyone and felt bad and I regret it to this day and always will. That's honestly the only thing in my life I regret doing and I would never make a mistake like that again.

I don't really know exactly how I really feel towards relationships and marriage and being "in love" I want to believe that something so amazing does exist but I just have yet to fully experience it or know of anyone who is experiencing it.



As if no one knows already.....
But I have a pretty amazing lovaa<3 (: ! haha

Branden is honestly the most amazing person I have ever come into contact with and I hope that no matter what we will always stay close. We have hit some bumps in the road a long the way, mostly because I was being dumb, but we are working on things. I have faith that we will work things out and maybe just maybe he will mean it some day...
It's hard to explain the way that he makes me feel. All I can say for sure is, I have finally found something R E A L . <3 ILY (:

IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER.

Being with Branden keeps my hope alive. He's the only person who makes me feel like relationships really are worth the time and effort you put into them. Even if you do have a few problems along the way. I'm excited to see what the future has in store for us. (:

I miss the butterflies, it's been such a long time since I've felt them.

I miss the way I use to light up every time you called or someone mentioned your name.

I miss the way you use to look me in the eyes.

I miss being excited to just hear your voice.

I miss date nights.

I miss holding hands.

I miss the phone calls just to talk.

I miss the walks on the beach.

I miss affection for no reason and not just to lead to something more.

I miss all the little things..


I miss the "us" we used to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnIAFv5tOyA
go to it!


I listen to this when I'm down
I always think of you and smile. (:

" You just have to....

date like a dude."

hahaha I love when guys give me advice.

They're right you know...

<3

In order to find myself..I lost myself, for a little bit. I've made mistakes and I am learning from them. Some of which have only hurt myself. Some have caused me to hurt other around me. Everyone makes mistakes and dumb decisions...It's all about what you gain from the experience, in my opinion at least.

I guess when someone tells you something for so long
after a while you start to believe and live by it. Well, not anymore..I'm so much better than that, so much better than you. For years I've let the things you said and did get to me and float around in the back of my mind. I'm done, it's time to let go and get on with things and stop being scared. I can't keep living my life like this.

It's time to bury this...for good. You can't tell me who I am when you've never known. One night doesn't mean shit in my book especially not when you robbed me of my innocence. I'll always hate you and the person you became for all of the things you did to me. I just have one question...why now? Why at all for that matter? If you really want to say sorry then just stay away from me and stay out of my life. Don't come around and don't try to talk to me. I want nothing to do with you, nothing has changed and it never will. I wont ever forgive you, give it up.

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel alive...
For the first time in a long time, I can remember. I haven't felt safe with someone in such a long time. It's a good feeling...a really good feeling. <3

I wont let you take that away from me.

Dear Nicole,

take a few steps back.

Watch your back.

Love,

Self <3

It really irritates the hell out of me

when people don't use their turn signals.
FUCK

this is just crazy

I still can't get over the fact that I have a sister. I mean I've known about it since I was in the 5th grade but back then it didn't really hit me like it has these past few years. I've given the whole situation a lot of thought and I want answers. I want to know who she is, where she is, what she's like. I just want to know everything. I feel that I have a right to know, as does she.

My mom and I wont ever see eye to eye when it comes to this so I'm just going to go about it my own way. Hopefully I will find what I am looking for and if not...at least I tried.

Thanks Branden for making me even more curious than I was before. You have influenced me to do this so you better stick by me while I deal with it. <3

SEX:

Reality or role play?
faking emotions just to get you by,
just to get me by.
For a minute it's everything..
everything you wish it always could be
I don't know what's real anymore
I don't know what I believe in anymore.

Lifestyle

I can honestly say in the last six or seven months that my lifestyle has changed drastically. I guess no one else sees it that way, but i do. I've gone from super party girl getting drunk every night to never going out or always being DD. I never go to clubs anymore, it's just not a good idea. I have a phobia of weird people touching me in ANY kind of way. Even when people walk by you and just put there hand on your back and stuff, it creeps me out. I guess I've been through enough bad experiences in that area and that's why i get so freaked out. I am not at all the same person I was last summer, even though people still associate me with it.

Drinking just isn't my thing anymore. Every since I drank at a hotel with Branden and his friends and apparently was hitting on his good friend I haven't really drank. I don't like not being able to remember what I do or say for that matter. That's how shit happens and I'm just not down for that. I've been there once already, I refuse to go back. Even with people I'm completely comfortable around it still freaks me out. It always takes me back to that one time. I feel like I'm holding myself back in a way but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. Trying to drink away your problems is just not the answer, I use to be that girl..but not anymore. A temporary fix just isn't what I am looking for these days. Admitting I use to drink to escape my problems is a big deal for me and I guess I've just started realizing it the past few months. I don't want to be that person, that is also a reason why I'm just not about drinking anymore.

It just seems like that is all anyone ever does. No one I know is capable of having sober fun, it's all about getting wasted and high or fucked up on some other drug. It kind of sucks. I'm down for having a good time and all and in no way am i being a hypocrite because I drink and smoke too but sober fun is better in my opinion. It's bad when everything you say starts with "and this one time we were so fucked up..." haha but I mean, we are all guilty of that one.

I think it's time for me to stay away from some of that for a while. Until quad fest at least. ;) haha Plus, I don't mind being DD...at least I know I'm safe and the people I care about are safe. Being the only sober one isn't always a bad thing, it's funny to watch everyone make an ass out of themselves. haha (:






from here on out, I'm controlling my attitude and just blowing shit off. Like you say, "If it don't apply, let it fly" and in this case even if it does I'm letting go of it. It shouldn't be a constant battle, pick and choose them. Not everything needs to be disputed...most likely 75% of the time it isn't worth the energy you put into them anyways.

I'm really hoping things work from here on out because I'm honestly genuinely happy when I am with you.<3 I am at the point where I just don't even notice anyone else. I haven't for a while but like really don't notice now. I'm so caught up no one else even matters.

You can't say those words and be numb, you can't.

STARTING OVER

Hopefully this time everything works out.

Truth be told

I give up.



distancing myself from all this before I break down or blow up.