Sunday drives have always been my favorite, as you know. I listened to this song in my car a few times an i feel like it fits perfectly. After talking with you the past few days....it pretty much explains everything. Sorry but you're too late now because I have found someone who treats me well and he is the most amazing person I have ever met.

Taylor Swift "White Horse"

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
As I pace back and forth all this time 'Cause
I honestly believed in you
Holding on,The days drag on
Stupid girl I should have known,
I should have known

That I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

Baby I was naïve,Got lost in your eyes
I never really had a chance.
My mistake i didn't want to be in love
you had to fight to have the upper hand.
I had so many dreams about you and me.
Happy endings; Now I know

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness,
Begging for me
Just like I always wanted,
But I'm so sorry

Cause Im not your princess
This aint a fairytale
Im gonna find someone, Some day
Who might actually treat me well.
This is a big world,
That was a small town
There in my rearview mirror, Disappearing now.
And it's too late for you and your White Horse
Now its too late for you and your White Horse
To catch me now.
Oh whoa whoa whoa-oh
Try and catch me now
Whoa-Oh
It's too late
To catch me now.

I had an unexpected conversation yesterday. It was somewhat awkward even but i am glad it happened. When your past catches up with the present the truth starts to come out.

I don't know why you would apologize a year later for the things that you did and i really don't know why you would still feel bad about it. We've both moved on, what is the point? I don't really think your girlfriend would be to happy with the things that you were saying, not that they were bad but it's almost like you aren't happy, I don't know. I love you, I always will but I am soooooo much happier now than i was a year ago. The choices you made caused me to leave, sorry. It's funny that you regret it...i think so anyways. I guess maybe now you are realizing what a great thing you had and ruined over some random girl one night throwing two years away. You are still living your life as we planned it, just with someone else. You will do great things with your life, i believe that. I wish you the best of luck with everything and maybe one day our paths will cross again, that's what you always say.










Branden is amazing. <3 :)
luhhh yew

I like daisies, just sayin' :)

Time Passes

Time passes, slowly most of the time
sometimes quick
Words fall from your mouth
worthless and meaningless
emotionless mostly

You're hoping she will buy into
all your lies
after all, that's all you are
one big lie after another

Time passes, slowly most of the time
sometimes quick
you try and convience her of
every empty word
that meaninglessly falls from your lips

She wont ever forgive you
for the bruises you left
or the words that you said
while you were beating her down

Time passes, Slowly most of the time
Sometimes quick
She wants to run but falls
for the dry empty words tattooed on your lip

She knows she can escape
but fears for her life
You've got her right where
you want her, afraid to make a mistake

Do you feel better about yourself
knowing you cause so much
heartache, pain, and sorrow
If only she would live to see tomorrow

"You take in everything with a certainty I envy,
It's somehow all I need just keep me guessing please!"

Hate: dislike intensely; feel antipathy or aversion towards.
I do not hate anyone except for one person in my life and everyone knows who that is, just claifying.

"He's in love with tragedy, in love with tragedy She was a wreck, but he loved her She was a wreck, but so was he And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say but "Thank you because you loved me, it's all on me cause I didn't want to stay, I didn't want to stay..." Live, live, live because you love, love, love And love will make you give, give, give And give in when you break, break, break But you just want to fix yourself Just to break again..."

You were in my dreams last night, often you are. It never changes, it's always the same. I'm pushing you out of my life and you are struggling just to survive. You chase after me but i am caught up in someone new. Little do i realize, you need me more than anyone knows you do. I always wake up at the same time every night i have this dream. It's right before you kill yourself and you tell me, "I've never had these feelings for anyone and I'm glad you came into my life but i'll never forgive you or myself for you walking out of it so easily. I love you Nicole, with everything in me..i'm just sorry you don't feel the same. I guess i was just a player in your game, you play it well if i do say so myself. When you sleep at night i hope you think of me, that's all you can do. After all, we will never make another memory..." Then while holding my hand you take your life....i wake up feeling really depressed. I thank god everytime i wake up from this that you are still alive.

Please, stay out of my dreams. You're turning them into nightmares.

I just want you to know that i don't care if you think i am a shitty person.
I don't care what you have to say about me or the mistakes i have made.
I'm not perfect, but here's a secret: NEITHER ARE YOU
Talk all the shit you want to.
You don't know shit about me.
You don't mean shit to me and neither does your opinion.
You may be his friend but he is the only one that matters.

Maybe i just like the things he says
Maybe his thoughts are exactly like mine
and that is why i am so interested
Maybe reading what he has to say
gives me a better sense of self being
Maybe he just makes me feel
like I'm not alone
and I'm not the only one
who has these feelings or thoughts.

I don't ever want to meet him in person
I just want to continue reading what he writes
Because he makes me feel normal...
or atleast somewhat close to it.

FUCK YOU FOR TURNING THIS INTO SOMETHING IT ISN'T
FUCK YOU FOR MAKING HIM THINK OTHER WISE

I mean, I'm far from perfect and yeah, i have made a few mistakes thus far
but stop making me out to be someone i'm not. I'm pretty sure that no one really understands me or the way that i think or why i am the way i am. I guess this is all my fault because i don't oen up to anyone. Here's a secret....IM SCARED. My whole life i told myself that when i was in a relationship i wanted it to be just like my parents because they have always been so "in love" and i am finding out and have known for quite some time, that if it weren't for me when i was younger my parents wouldn't even be together. While it is nice to know that i am what kept them together it is shitty to know that i am the only reason they "fixed" things, or whatever you wanna call it. I have live the last nine years of my life in denial and i refuse to do so anymore. I don't care if you don't like me and i don't care if you think i am a shitty person. I'm scared of being "in love" i will admit that much. The one time i thought i was was just a bullshit waste of two years. I mean, i learned a lot but it completely scared me and i don't know if i'm ready to be that close to anyone. Maybe that is why i don't even know it when i am doing the dumb things i do. Maybe that is my heart trying to push you away...i don't know. I don't know anything...i don't know what i want out of life or from anyone who is still in my life. However, i do know that i NEED you in my life because you are the only thing that holds me together right now. I'm sorry if you don't feel like i do, but i am letting you know that I DO NEED YOU. I'm trying to be a better person and obviously i am just not capable because every time i turn around i am fucking up in some sort of way.

Someone told me:
"If you aren't happy with yourself then you can't make someone else happy being with you."
I am happy with myself and i am happy with you.
I'm not happy with a lot that goes on in my life and one day you might understand that.

I've come to realize that i don't respect anyone in my family.

My brother is a fucking mess and i don't ever think he will amount to anything or make anything out of his life. It's a down hill battle with him and he is never going to win and neither am i. I'd be lying if i said i wasn't jealous of other people and their relationships with their siblings...i want that. I once had it but it's lost and i don't think i'll ever get it back. I have a lot of resentment inside of me because of him and i don't know if that will ever change. He has impacted my life in so many ways...mostly bad but the bad ways encourage me to be a better person.

My father, he has always been there and has always been a great person. He never missed the important things in my life and has always been very loving. I'm sure you don't understand why i have little to no respect for him but the select few that know the whole story understand why. While he has always palyed a huge role in my life he hasn't played a role at all in my half sister's and that really bothers me. I feel like he should atleast own up to the fact that he had a kid with someone else after being married to my mother and having two children. I mean, how do you sleep at night knowing that to her you are nothing more than a dead beat dad who sends a check in the mail but that's it? I just don't get it and for you to sit there and say that you are in love with my mom? You have got to be kidding. I don't hold it against you completely...but it has really made me lose respect for you. You are better than that, you have proved it to me...why can't you prove it to her?

My mother on the other hand, she has got to be the strongest person i know. She has been through so much between my father cheating and my brother fucking up left and right and even i have had my fair share of shitty moments, don't we all? I admire her and the fact that she has put up with so much and has stayed strong for our family and well, me mostly. I have lost some respect however due to the fact that she just let everything happen. How can you just left "the love of your life" do something like that to you and just be ok with it? Not saying she is ok with it but i mean...she stuck around..because of us kids mostly.

I have a right to know about my half sister. I mean i don't even know her name or how old she is. I want to know, i've wanted to know for the past nine years. I've questioned it a lot recently, i'm guessing because my relationship with my brother is so shitty but i don't really know. All i know is i have these nightmares about her. I just want closure, answers, the truth. I just want some sort of knowledge on the whole thing. I mean it would be nice to not have to act like nothing ever happened and like my life was perfect...because it isn't. It as well as i am far from perfect.

I have a lot built up inside of me and no one to talk to about it who wont judge me. Atleast, that's how i feel about it.

I don't mean to take things out on you and i don't want to, i do it without realizing it and that really scares me. I'm sorry.

You deserve so much better
I wish i was a better person
maybe then i could sleep at night.

I'm starting to realize why i am the way i am.
I'm not happy about it and i plan on making some changes.
I'm not saying i hate my life or anything because i feel like if it weren't for everything i have been through and experienced i wouldn't be who i am today but changes need to be made. I can't change anything that has happened so i need to start with myself.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
You mean a lot to me and i can't blame you for feeling the way you do
I have some proving to do and i guess i should start now
or rather i should have started a while ago.
I'm sorry for everything...

There are two types of secrets:
Those we hide from others
and those we hide from ourselves

I don't think i have ever been so interested in someone that i know nothing about. Well, other than his thoughts and views on life and everything that is involved with it. His views on things challenge my mind, make me think outside of what i think is considered the "norm" if you will. I never knew people like him existed, It is completely mind blowing. The passion behind his words is so real. If you were to ask me, I would say he is a very genuine guy with a big heart and big dreams and who will make a huge impact on the world or at least someones life. Just reading his writings has impacted my life and I have never met him. Just imagine what he is capable of in real life.

He has captivated me and he doesn't even know it.


edit::
I guess i am just some easy target, someone you think you can walk all over. I am so tired of being the one you take all of your anger out on. channel that anger into something positive. Whatever you do, i refuse to be the one you take it out on. I shouldn't suffer just because i happen to be around when you feel like unleasing your inner devil. Try to keep it under control thanks. :)

With everything that has been going on in my life recently, i have been doing a lot of writing and such. I try to not to get mad about it. I mean, when it comes down to it, It's not like the other person is mad...only i am. I have been turning my frustration into creative energy. It is a much better way of dealing with things. I use to just keep everything inside and that has turned me into what Branden calls a "fire cracker" apparently i have a short fuse. I am getting better though!

As far as sleeping goes, I haven't been doing much of it. I mean i sleep but i wake up a lot of go to sleep really late at night when i have to be awake really early the next morning. I think this problems is deep within me somewhere. I just wish i knew what it was that is causing this because it would be nice to be able to get a decent nights sleep for once.

I am sitting in class today and i asked myself

How far can you get, living in the same place your whole life..?

I am still waiting for an answer..

:)


Becoming best friends before lovaas is the way to go. <3

I just feel like rambling.

There is so much more to me than a pretty face, i wish more people would realize that. I think i am like the only girl who gets annoyed with people telling her she is beautiful all the time. It gets old. How about you compliment me on something aside from my apperance for once. Lets look a little deeper than the surface one time in our lives. While it's nice to have people say you are beautiful...i only like when one person calls me beautiful and that's Branden. It actually means something coming from him. As horrible as this sounds...i know that i am pretty so how about you try telling me something i don't already know.

On another note:
Branden and i stayed up until 5 this morning laying on his couch talking about anything and everything and nothing all at the same time. I don't think the two of us could ever run out of things to talk about. He really amazes me. I felt something last night that i have never felt before..i hope i never lose that feeling.

We wasted our day away together today and i really enjoyed it. We didn't even do anything really. Just talked and layed around watching random things on television. Just having him there with me made my day so much better. We had a lot of fun doing nothing. :)

ohhh i'm fallling....<3

Other words:
Whatever happened to having a best friend? I am no longer going to give that title to anyone. It seems some people are slacking in that department lately...oh well. I don't NEED you in my life so if you want to walk out or push me out that is fine with me.

I wish i had a brother who gave a fuck...

the pain of this runs deeper than anyone will ever understand. :(

There are some emotions that your heart feels that your mind just can't put into words.

That's how you make me feel. :)




BAY<3

Please forgive me for the mistakes i make, after all...I'm not perfect. I have flaws..sorry. :(


This is my life & I am living it
But i have no idea what the hell is going on half of the time.

Branden, You are amazing...sorry I'm so shitty of a girlfriend.
I can't blame you for hating me but i hope you don't...and i can't blame you for putting a wall back up..after all, i fucked up.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve here...it's all you babe.
You are all i want. <3




"Just hold me closer now, don't let this get away.."

I don't always make the best decisions
and i end up hating myself later because of it.

Sorry for being such a shitty girlfriend.
I'm going to work on the quality of myself.

You are a really great guy and deserve so much better than what i have been giving you. I promise things are going to change.

"No one ever said it was going to be easy, they just promised it'd be worth it."


<3

I have a thing for photography.
I also like to do it while i am driving.
If you can't tell...the light is green and you can see my stearing wheel at the bottom.

The lack of maturity in some people kills me.
GROW UP

I don't care about the past and i certainly don't need you putting your two cents in about it. If you hold the past over a persons' head you are no better of a person yourself. We all make mistakes, we even make the same mistakes more than once but it is what we gain and take from those experiences that changes our life in some sort of way. Judging someone based upon only their past is by far the worst thing you could ever do. Young and dumb, ever heard that? When you are younger you are expected to make mistakes, lots of them that is how you learn what you are suppose to do and what you aren't suppose to do. Yeah, we all know right from wrong for the most part but there are some things that you just have to do anyway to find out for yourself what would happen, even if that means hurting others in the process. There are some things you just have to risk everything for.

However, don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

I just want to say
THANK YOU for not running away
even though i bet you wanted to

I need to go for a drive
clear my head
forget about some things
that i have done in my past
it's really starting to haunt me

I don't know why i do this to myself
or to you for that matter
ohh im a mess
i hope you can deal with it
Im not so sure that i myself would though
and that is what scares me


"I am the cause to all your problems. Shelter from cold. We'renever alone. Coordinate brain and mouth. Then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. I wish I knew."

These thoughts in my mind are starting to consume my life. ha I have so much going on that i don't even know where to begin trying to sort them all out. I have these images..ohh the wonderful images in my brain. ha I wish i could print them out and share them with the world, maybe then someone would understand my views and way of thinking. Or maybe they would just get me...i don't know. I just wish there was someone who understood how i was feeling so that i could talk to them. People say they understand but they don't. Unless you've been in this place you never will.

I've just felt recently, like i have no idea who i am. I hide my feelings and put on a "show" for everyone. Everyone things i have everything together when really...im on the cusp of crumbling apart. I hate not knowing things about my life. I like knowing what is up ahead and what is going to come next and right now i don't have that security and i am beginning to freak out. :( I am a control freak, i blame my mom for this, and i don't really feel as though i have control of anything going on in my life at this current point in time. It's a shitty feeling, no knowing what is up ahead. I lose control and then everything just seems to spiral downward, i need to gain back some control before i throw everything away. I've thrown enough away this year because i got scared and freaked out. I don't want to do that anymore.

what the fuck dude

so first of all im pissed at shit because my brother didnt call me on my birthday right
then he calls me today and i ignore it cuz i was busy
he calls back tonight and i wasnt at my phone
so i call him back
and he is giving me excuses for why he didnt call

WHAT THE FUCK EVER
CARRY THAT BULLSHIT

so then we are talking and im being nice
because im not tryna get into it
we barely talk as it is
and he comes outta no where
and asks me if im doing coke
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS.

ugh, i am so fucking pissed.

As if you haven't hurt me enough in my life
torn my family apart
ruined my relationship with my mom that just recently started to get better
but we finally build up a relaitonship again
after all he bridges you've burned from me
after all the shit you put me through
and after all that i have done for you
and you come at me with some bullshit like that?
and im more mad at the fact that you could take time
to leave me a fucking myspace comment
like every other random person on the internet
but you couldnt fucking pick up a phone
and call your sister
on her birthday

AFTER ALL IVE DONE FOR YOU AND AFTER ALL YOUVE PUT ME THROUH I THINK I DESERVE ATLEAST TWO MINUTES OF YOUR FUCKING TIME.
it's not like you had to waste your whole day with me.
all i wanted was a two minute phone call.
is that too much to ask for?

I have so much built up inside of me over you from the past 5 years
so much ive held back from saying because i didnt want to hurt you
i dont know why i gave a fuck, because you sure as hell dont.

grow the fuck up.
get your life together.
get your priorities in order.


dude whatever





blood is thicker than water
except in this case

Today's my birthday!
haha it's nothing special really...just another year older. One year til im 21. That's cool i suppose.
I am just hoping that this year my birthday goes a lot more smoothly than the past two years have. I am thinking it will seeing as how this year i wont be celebrating it with Pedro. haha He is a great guy but man he could ruin a special occasion. haha

Anyway, i get to spend the day with Branden and i'm pretty stoked on that. He is a really great guy and i really couldn't ask to have a better boyfriend. He's a sweetheart. :) Not to mention i kind of maybe like him just a little bit...or a lot. Whichever. ha <3

Then there's Cassie, man i would be lost without that girl. We don't always see eye to eye but she is my bestfriend and has been there for me through a lot of rough times. I love her more than anything.

We are all going to dinner tonight and i am so stoked! :)

My mom is my bestfriend & my daddy is the only man i'll ever need.
My bestfriend is amazing and i have the best boyfriend ever. :)
What more could a girl ask for?