08 wrap up

This year has had its ups and its down but overall it was pretty amazing. =]

Stoked on starting a new year! =]

Sorry If I seemed selfish? last night...I just wanted alone time. For the past week it has been nothing but people everyday all the time. I just wanted to be able to hangout and talk about things and such without there being people all over the place. I usually don't mind it, I guess I am just attention needy at the moment. haha I don't know. I just like having you all to myself from time to time. =] I'm really glad we got to talk last night, it was needed. I feel a thousand times better now. Hopefully from here on out things are a lot smoother.

Here's to our future <3


OTHER WORDS:
Really, I am done. I am not going to sit around and just be there when something is wrong or you have nothing better to do. I am done being a better friend to you than you are to me. If I get ditched for a guy one more time...it's over. You need to clean you act up and quick. Are you really going to ruin a friendship with the one person you have called your best friend over some fucking guys? That's not a best friend to me. You aren't a best friend to me. I am just so done with it. All you ever do when I am with you or talk to you really since we never hangout, is bitch about anything and everything or talk about some guy, and it's almost always a different one each time. Oh so and so tried to get in my pants blah blah blah...I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! what the hell is new? Someone is always tryna get in them and you usually let them. Maybe if you didn't act like such a slut it wouldn't occur so often. damn. You have really pushed me and I am to the point where I can't be pushed much longer. I have had it with you and all your bullshit drama and shit. I'm your friend not your therapist but I'm not even really your friend anymore either. Sorry, I just can't, Not anymore.

I can't, sorry.

"I believe in you"
That really is probably the most meaningful thing anyone has ever said to me...believe it or not.

It's time for me to believe in myself.


Change, It's starting today.


<3




OTHER WORDS:

I was rather shocked that you would come to me for advice and asking my opinion on pretty much the very same thing you did to me. However, at the same time it is nice to know that we still have that connection and we can talk about anything and everything just like we used to. I realized that I really am a good friend, not just to you but to everyone. You of all people have to admit. I mean, I have grown up a lot atleast. Had you come to me before about it I probably would have laughed in your face and told you that karma is a bitch and you are finally getting yours...BUT I didn't. I care to much to cut you down like that. We've been through a lot together. Even in the last year. We don't need to be face to face to be there to support one another. I don't know, maybe I am just crazy but you have helped me through a lot the last three years of my life. I really appriciate it and I will always be around for you when you need to talk. Please remember what you deserve and I'm sure everyone thinks that I am crazy for saying this...but you deserve better. I really think you do. Don't settle for just anyone or anything. We've both grown up, grown apart and changed but some things, they never do change...

My heart couldn't possibly beat any faster
and you might as well be stomping on my chest
With all this weight, I just can't breathe
It's hard to catch a breath
Pause for a second please

Resume
I think this is it...
the finale has come

Lights fade
Black out
Exit stage left

IT'S OVER

DELICIOUS.

hahaha I miss those times. :)




Thanks for making me laugh this morning, I needed it.

I hate you for making me feel this way. If I were anything close to being like you I would hate myself too. It almost makes me feel a little better knowing how much you don't like yourself. I don't care how that makes me sound, it's the truth.




ME vs. THE BOTTLE


I've lost the battle time and time again...
I'm falling back into my old ways.

Everything is just so much easier when you are numb.
But I can't do this, not again.




This weekend has sucked all the way around.

I will continue to fight my feelings.

I don't want
to fall in love
to be in love
to love you


I don't want to
but I'm already in over my head...




now what?
I can't possibly tell you how I feel
I can't, I wont
You don't want to know anyways.

I'm really trying here, I really am
but the more I think about it
the more I don't like you














Don't fall for me...

STOP!

You're here, beside me
I've never felt more alone
Your eyes, they stare deep, dark and cold
A close second to your heart.

With me, her or someone else
It still beats just the same
You're running out of time
I'm running out of breath

Is it over yet?
Erase and rewind
I can't breathe
These lies, they smother me.

Tension builds as trust fades
"I didn't mean for it to be this way"
I'll never give
Never give you what you want

I'm not what you want

The heart builds a wall
I wish you the best
The best of luck getting it down
It'll never break down

STOP! Erase and rewind
Better luck next time
misused and misplaced
New time, New place
New bed, Different face.

I know I make you nervous

but I promise you i'm worth it

I DON'T FUCKING GET YOU, I REALLY DON'T.

Time for Change

The car ride home from norfolk is on repeat in my mind. It plays over and over. I don't ever want to experience anything like it again. For the first time in a long time I was actually .... scared? I guess that is the right word.

I know I can talk to you about anything and everything...it's just a lot harder than that for me. Everyone I care about or ever have has completely walked out of my life so I tend to keep my distance lately. I know I shouldn't let anyone else have anything to do with us...but sometimes it does. I am working on it. I want to be a better person, you make me want that. That moment when I was laying on your couch and you had your arms around me when I was crying about my brother...It really made me feel like this."us" is REAL. It's something I haven't had in a really long time. It really made me realize that I can lean on you when I need to. Not that I ever thought I couldn't because I did but with the way things have been with my "friends" lately it just seemed like nobody really cared. You and I have something that I have never had with anyone and I hope that it's something we both hold on to.

<3




On another note:
I blame myself for this....
I love you and I miss you
Please don't EVER think otherwise.
<3

This wont be enough

but...




I'M SORRY

I really want to travel the world. I want to go anywhere and everywhere and just take it all in. I want to experience things I never have. I want to learn new things and meet new people and just see the world.

If i could afford to I would take a decent amount of time off of work and go somewhere but unfortunately I am unable to do so right now. However, once I can you can count on it happening.

Over the summer I visited some family in Alaska. It was completely amazing. I saw things I never thought I would. I had doubts about going but overall it was an amazing experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I wish i could have spent more time there actually. Two weeks just wasn't enough time to take everything in. While I was waiting for my flight the day I was leaving I met a very interesting young man. I was sitting on the floor of a small over crowded airport writing in my notebook. He came over and sat down next to me. The first thing he did was comment on my shoes, apparently that gave it away that I wasn't from there. haha The first thing I thought was great now i'm getting hit on in the airport. However, it wasn't completely like that. We started talking and he began telling me about how he just up and left Georgia once his semester was over and radomly decided to come to Alaska to spend some time and just check it out. He was there for about two months and had gotten a job at a camp there. Then he started telling me how once he returned to Georgia he was then going to go to Europe for awhile and just "explore" what was to him the unknown. He was very motivated and spontaneous. It sort of caught me off guard to hear him say all this. He was just so willing to leave his comfort zone and go out into the world, by himself, and experience a whole new life style. It really made me think. Anyways, he asked why I was there so I told him I was visiting family. We then shared pictures with one another. Right before we boarded our plane we took a picture together with his camera, I wish I would have gotten one with mine too. I don't even remember his name. :( It would have been cool to stay in touch. We were on the same plane to Georgia though. He came back to my seat every now and then to chat...it was a really really really long flight. haha I sometimes wonder if that picture of us is out there on the internet somewhere. I guess I am only writing about this because he really inspired me. I mean I have lived in the same city my whole life. The same house as a matter of fact. Yes, I have traveled but not a lot. I've been to a few places..mostly with my family. I just want to go on a road trip with a really close friend or just book a random flight to somewhere and figure out the rest once we get there.

I want to make the most out of my life and I would like to see the world in a different light than I do currently. I have to leave sometime..I don't want to be in Chesapeake forever.

communication

is the key to a good relationship.


I just wish you would talk to me about everything.

I don't know why I put so much effort into this.

It is pretty evident that it is getting me nowhere.




I'm so tired of feeling like shit about myself because of other people.
and no, I'm not saying things you do make me feel like shit about myself but the words you say sometimes do. You just don't see things the way I am seeing them. Sorry.







I really wish Justin wasn't so damn far away.

Independent

Number 1:
I am so ready to be on my own. I have got to move out of my house and soon. I am going crazy living at home. I have finally reached a point in my life where I am really ready to be on my own. I just want to provide for myself and know that I can stand on my own two feet without the assistance of my parents. I mean, they don't pay for anything as it is now but I live rent free and my mom cooks me dinner almost every night. It's time to put an end to it. I'm sure there are things I will miss but oh well. I need to be on my own, I am ready to be on my own. Now, I just need to make it happen.

Number 2:
Everyone has been on my case recently about what I am going to school for. Well, first of all I know that I am in my second year of college and my major is still undecided but it happens to a lot of people, not just me. Also, IT'S MY LIFE. Let me figure it out on my own. I don't need everyone sopinion about what i should and should not be doing with my life. While it is nice that you are trying to look out for what is best for me, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR ME...only I do.

So I finally tell my mom what I am seriously considering going to school for and all she says is , "k". After all the shit she has been telling me and been giving me about it and I finally have a good idea and that is all I get out of her? She didn't even have any emotion about it. It was just a bland dry emotionless "K"

Sorry I can't be who you want me to be. Sorry I'm not the person you thought I was. Sorry that I don't care about what you want for me or what you think is best for me. Sorry that for once in my life I am not consulting my decision with you. Sorry that you put so much pressure on me that I just don't give a fuck anymore. Sorry I'm not the perfect child you wanted.

Atleast I am trying to do something with my life, unlike your son who will never amount to anything. Why can't you just be happy for me. Why can't you be happy that I finally have a grasp on what I want to do with my life. Why can't you say that you are proud of me for everything I have accomplished thus far? All I want is for you to act like you give a shit. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently so. I bet if I was fucked up on drugs and in and out of jail and ruining my life you would care...I guess that is what it takes to get any sort of reaction out of you. Who am I kidding? It has always been that way, ever since I can remember. Ohhh and just so you know, buying me shit doesn't compensate for anything. It never has.

Number 3:
I really am considering seeing someone about all this built up emotion inside of me. It is far from healty and I have held it in for far too long.

Number 4:
I'm really glad we are talking again. It's nice to be able to have regular conversations with you for the first time in almost a year really. I've missed it.

Stand Still, Look Pretty

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart I wish
you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

I am slowly falling apart I wish
you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

I wish you wouldn't compare me to other people.

Truth is, I am nothing like any of them.

I am slightly baffled.

This morning someone asked me if i was "in love" haha Branden and I are no where near that serious. To be completely honest, I don't want to be even remotly close to being that serious any time soon. I am in no rush to be "settled" if that is what you would like to call it. I enjoy the time we spend together and I think he is probably the most amazing guy that I have ever dated. He keeps me entertained, makes me laugh, and I am really happy having him in my life. He makes me want to be a better person, which is something that no one else has really ever made me want. He doesn't just give in to everything and I don't just get everything I want. That is something I really like. He wont put up with my attitude and doesn't just do things to make me happy but because he wants to do them. I am not really use to that at all. I could talk to him for hours about everything and nothing at the same time and never get bored. Overall, he is an amazing person and I love the qualities that he posses and the way he makes me feel but to answer your question...

No, I am not "in love".

Prove Me Wrong

I just want for you to prove me wrong.

Starting New

I've got a new outlook on life and I couldn't be any happier. I have no regrets about anything in my life that has previously happened. Everyone and everything that was once or still is apart of my life has helped to get me to this point. I wouldn't change a thing.
:)


make mistakes, make the same mistake twice because it's too good to only make once, forgive others, forgive yourself, forget things, party on a weekday, party harder on the weekends, forget that you partied at all, get sick, get so sick that you don't remember how you got sick, skip class, watch movies instead of doing homework, stay up all night before a final, be spontaneous, make plans, break plans, love, get attached, get jealous, fall hard, break hearts and get your heart broken, cry, cry harder than you ever have, then laugh at it later, laugh so hard you can't stop, have moments that you wish would never end, have moments you wish never began, have conversations that you'll never forget, have conversations without saying a word, say the wrong thing at the wrong time, get angry, be confused, it will all become clear.

L I V E

I don't know why people always come to me for relationship advice. I guess just because I have a lot of experience in that area of life, I don't know. It is almost annoying at times. I mean, you ask for advice but you don't listen to it..why waste my time then? Everyone always asks the same question, "How did you get over Pedro so easily and so quick? I'm trying so hard but it just isn't working." I realize that it may be difficult to get over someone but you have to understand that every relationship is different and no one deals with things the same way. Just because it was easy for me doesn't mean it will be equally as easy for you. I just have a very different mind set than most people i know. I take it for what it is, a learning experience and move on with my life because obviously it wasn't meant to work out and there is no point in dwelling on the past because then you let the future and what could be pass you by. That and the fact that Pedro cheated on me six months after we started dating and i didnt find out until we had been together for two years. I guess after being through so much with someone and after they have burned pretty much every bridge possible, it's not that hard to say goodbye. It hurts, of course but after being miserable with your life for so long, it's easy to just let it go. Everyone i talk to about this is always the same, "Oh i hate so and so and they are the worst person ever blah blah blah" truth is you really don't hate them. I will admit that i still love perdro as a person, i am far from loving him the way that i use to but he still holds a tiny place in my heart. Even though Pedro did some horrible things to me, to this day I will tell you what a great person he is and how he really is a good boyfriend when he wants to be. How can you hate someone that you have shared so much with? Someone you have put so much time and energy into, Someone that has been a huge influence on your life? No matter how long you dated, because i find it rare to have people who have been with someone longer than six months to be asking for advice on getting over people, which i find a little weird that it is that hard when Pedro and I were together for two years and we just walked away from each other like it was nothing, then again we both saw it coming too. I guess for me it was easy to do because there wasn't a lot left at that point. I wasn't happy with us at all and he was controlling and lied all the time to cover up everything he had done. After we broke up we exchanged a handful of mean words with one another and while at the time they hurt, we both know neither of us meant the things that we said but i feel like that helped me a lot to be able to just drop everything and walk away. I don't really know. I saw it coming to be completely honest with you and he will tell you the same. The reason we broke up was complete bullshit really, it was just an excuse to end it. It's like they say, the first time never lasts, I mean...like i was really going to marry someone i met in the tenth grade and dated when i was 17? Most likely, no one in that situation will. Yeah you end up talking about it after being serious for so long but it is far from reality. Even though we planned pretty much our whole life out together...I realized that once he was out of my life i was a lot happier, that isn't love. We stopped speaking for a while, a good while which is something i think everyone needs to do before trying to form a friendship. Really, you just have to let go of everything, which is hard for everyone i know, but until you are no longer bitter towards them for the things they have done to you, you wont get over them. Despite all of the things Pedro and I have been through and everything he has done to me, I have no hard feelings at all. I hold no grudges and I don't hold anything against him. It just takes time really but you have to realize that well, life goes on. Relationships aren't black and white, they are a very grey area and they aren't meant to be easy. You take the bad with the good and keep going on. Look at it as a learning experience not a waste of time. After all time you enjoy wasting with someone isn't time wasted at all.

So this is really like all over the place but I just felt like I needed to write about it because people ask me so often why it is easy for me to get over people I date, mainly Pedro because he was my most serious boyfriend. Take it for what it is, a learning experience and don't dwell on it. Trust me, there are bigger and better things out there. Just think about the positive side of it. Let go and stop being bitter about it, it happened and it is now done and over..move on with you life and use your experience to better yourself and your next relationship.

That's just how i look at it.