Hey hey pretty baby ;)

and just like that you took my breath away without even trying.

I've been smiling ever since, can't wait to see you this weekend. ;)

tug tug TUG some more on my fucking heartstrings why dontcha.

ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.ihateyou.iloveyou.


yeaa, that pretty much sums it up.
it's a hate love sort of thing, I just can't help it.
I can't make up my mind because one day it's good and the next it's not.

You've destroyed my insides.

I don't know what love is, never did apparently.
I do know that it's a mutual thing and it's not just an empty three word phrase.

we were walking down town....

sunday-drive,drive away

Positive outlook
good vibes
even better company. (:

I have two blogs via tumblr but this one is for public knowledge the other is private. Enjoy

xxoo

004.

"Sixteen just held such better days"

and every time I feel okay looking at myself in the mirror I do something ridiculous that makes it that much harder to do so.

I just want these demons to leave my body, mind and soul.

I'm in a fight with myself and it sucks. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

"Breathe hope in me"

Without hope there is nothing left. Hold on tight, it's a fast and bumpy ride.

One day I'll figure out who I am and what I am doing here....until then, well I don't really know. My body is just along for the ride, or so it seems.

I swear I was never this complex up until recently. I want the simple life back. GIVE ME MY IDENTITY BACK !

I don't even know who I am anyone. It's a scary place to be.

"It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man"

003.

"Well I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply.
'cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it."

This song has been stuck in my head since the show November 13th. I can't get it out and I don't know why. There must be some sort of significance or something...

002.

re-inventing my exit, yeap. Just call me MS. LEADING. It's what I do best, or so they say...

It's currently 1247am on tuesday and well, I can't sleep. Those demons I referred to in my previous blog , yea..they are haunting me at this very moment. I've been robbed of my innocence, it's hard to not think about it. i guess that's good though, I've finally stopped blocking it out and am dealing with the emotional and physical toll it took on me, my body, my youth and my outlook on life. Honestly, you'd think I would be use to it by now. I'm not. To be quite forward, I hope this is one feeling I never get use to. I don't want to give up on fighting it. It may be an uphill battle but right now I feel like I can take on the world. Ha yea, we will see how that turns out.

I just don't want to ruin my new relationships the way I have my old ones. I worry a lot. Mostly about things I really have no reason to. I guess I have just set such high expectations for everyone who wants to be a part of my life that I'm killing myself trying to live up to them as well.

Someone once told me that they were watching me destroy myself right in front of their eyes..well, they were right. They were , they did. They helped bring me there though so who is the better person ? Ijust want to thank you for bringing out the worst in me. It really helped me find who I am and strive to be a better person. I'd like to think that I have already shown great improvement, but who am I to judge?

Recently I've met quite possibly the most beautiful person on the face of the earth. While I haven't known jake long at all, I'm enjoying getting to know him. I've never really been around anyone like him. He's mature, intelligent, a huge sweetheart and so much fun. He's good company and really good conversation. Oh! And quite possibly the only guy I've ever shared a bed with that didn't try to get in my pants! I'm pretty stoked on that, you have no idea. While I'm not looking for this to develop into anything more than what it is now, I am hoping to not screw myself out of a friendship with such an amazing person.

I seem to do a great job of pushing away the good, positive, influential people in my life. Let's see how this goes. Starting new?

Cross your fingers ox


After feeling like I was detoxing all day today, well yesterday rather, never again will I mix adderall, two cups of coffee and a mountain dew together. NEVER again. I've never felt like such a druggie. I was so "strung out" heartbeat was racing, i was sweating, cold and hot at the exact same time. While being sick contributed to some of this, it was not the soul cause. I think I'm done trying to keep up with the "jones'"

Oh and uhh...
Dear Xanax,
go fuck yourself.
good day
<3 Nicole

The words I miss you have never fallen off my lips so effortlessly. I really do, you know, miss you. Not in a relationship sense because that chapter in our book has came and went but as my best friend. I don't know how I feel about our situation, or if we can even really be best friends again right now. However, I would like to mend my friendship with you. Step by step, day by day. I can't handle much more than that.


Any feeling is better than feeling numb.



bee tee dubs, typing all of this on my phone was quite a task. gaah, my thumbs are tired. :( ha

001.

It's times like these that really make me appreciate the people that are still close to me. I've done a lot of shitty things to the people I care about over the past few years. I regret a lot of it to be honest but at the same time I don't. How can you regret something that changed you and helped make you a better person? I don't think you can.

The first step is admitting you have a problem.
So here it goes....
I HAVE A PROBLEM
saying that has never felt so good. For once those aren't empty words, it's a good feeling.

I don't really know how to deal with it but I'm working on it. Tenley tells me I'm making progress but even she doesn't know the half of it. Maybe one day I will be comfortable enough in my own skin to shed light on all of what I have built up inside. Until then, I'll manage just like I have been.

To everyone I've ever hurt, I'm truly sorry. Most of you didn't deserve it and for those of you who did, I'm still sorry. I should have been the bigger person rather than joining you in the gutter.

There are just some "memories" that will forever be burned into the back of my mind. My past haunts me most days, today being one of them. I'm sure seeing a certain someone this morning didn't help the situation, mostly made it worse. Certain demonds you just can't fight off.

Because sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks.

"You say, you say that we're all tied up And wrapped around in useless, states of mind But at the same time we're still young We have the time to realize that we were wrong"

I miss you <3




[SN]Truth is, I haven't been the same since you walked out of my life. I don't know if I ever will be but I do know, you changed a lot inside of me. I'm sorry to everyone I hurt because of the fact that you hurt me so much so long ago. It's really starting to effect me, years after the fact...

I guess I just haven't let go. I want to, I just can't. I still think about it from time to time and those days are the worst. It's been a solid two years since you walked out and you are still in my dreams. Please get out of my head.

good friends

I think what I have missed the most are my good friends. I've been surrounding myself with such amazing people recently. The best part is, they are all of my old friends. I've missed them so much. Cassie and I have been hanging out more and more and even though it's always me giving her advice and her being on the phone the entire time, haha I miss it. Jay and Justin being home at the same time was just unreal. Words can't even begin to explain how happy I was to see them again. They have both grown up so much but regardless of where the military make take them we will always stay close. I love those two more than I could ever say. It's been years since I've seen a lot of the other people I've been hanging out with and it feels good. They knew me back before my life was as crazy as it is now and they aren't judgemental at all. I miss being around people who don't judge my every movement, word or even breath I take. They enjoy me for me and that's a nice feeling.

Also, as much as I've been going out recently, I have met a lot of really interesting new people. It's been a nice variety really. I've even met some really cool girls that I wouldn't mind hanging out with. I'm just having fun, innocent fun. That's all I'm looking for for a while.


"You've been in a relationship for the last five years, it's time to go out and have fun. I'm not saying sleep with everyone you meet or anything but engage in good conversation and good company. You only live once you know..."

I'm 21 years old and have been in constant relationships since I was 16. I need to do this for me. I was starting to feel like I couldn't be on my own, it's a good feeling knowing I can. Next time I decide to put myself all out there for someone I hope it's for real. As for now...I don't want or need anyone of that significance in my life. Not to mention I am way too busy to have the time for it.

<3 I miss Justin and Jay so much already. I love you boys, and I am so proud of the two of you. Thank you for everything you do and I can't wait to see you in JUNE ! <3 xo



ps. they are right, I am !