I'm so over this routine called life. I need some excitement and spontaneity. I want change, give it to me.

Forever

I want to believe in forever..
Show me that I can.


I knew it from the start, told you I'd make you fall for me.







I love you Branden Andrew Youngs <3

Sleeping pills

I don't know what is with me lately but getting to sleep at night has been a serious issue for me. I have been completely exhausted for about a week now and just can never fall asleep at night. It's really quite annoying. Insomnia is a bitch and even sleeping pills don't help. I had to smoke a blunt the other night just to pass out, it's pretty bad. I don't plan on continuing my pattern of smoking before bed though. However, if it helps though and gets the job done I just might. Something has got to give, I can't keep doing this.


You really want to know, SHOW SOME INTEREST!



Scorpio
The Moon aligns with your traditional ruling planet warrior Mars in your 6th House of Work, suggesting that you might need to lose your temper in order to establish or reestablish an important boundary. It may be difficult to know when your job is finished, because you are not following a play-by-play instruction book. Take your time and remember that it's harder to end an old pattern than it is to start a new one.

Seriously

it was the most intense moment that I have ever shared with anyone.


I can't stop thinking about it.

I've learned

that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I can tell myself all day that I don't feel the way I do or the things I do but in the end....I still always will. I can't push out feelings, I've tried and tried and tried. I fail every time. I'm accepting that though. I have come to realize that I can't because I don't want to. It's what I really want, no matter what I may continue to tell myself. I'm okay with having these feelings, even if they are one sided. It's a gray area...but I think I am starting to see some color shine through. I haven't been this happy in a while, I hope it lingers for quite some time, it's a good feeling.

One simple touch and all my problems fade. When I'm not there, all I want is to be there...with you. <3

I know this will never be what I want it to be. However, I don't know how I feel about knowing that.

At the moment I am content and I guess that's all I can ask for really. Just live in the moment and forget about tomorrow..for now at least.

"the easiest things to fake are feelings to fool someone else"
it sucks, a lot.

People and all their lovey dovey bullshit make me sick.


Maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have that and can't have that...either way, it makes me sick.

I want more

smile;

baby it looks good on you.


It's a good feeling, you're a good feeling.

Feeling a bit crowded....

I am having a hard time adjusting to these new living arrangements....

I really hope this gets better

and S 0 0 N


EDIT::
I think I am starting to fall back into my "insecure about my body" phase
I just want to be skinny haha I know I'm not fat but I could be skinnier...
I work out just about every day and I eat super healthy, even when I don't try to
I am starting to think my body hates me and just wont let me be any smaller
five pounds would make a huge difference, it's not much but it would be enough
Or even If i could just get toned...I feel like I'm putting in a lot of effort
and yet I am getting no results :( I'm not saying I am unhappy with my body because
to be honest, I know it's decent I am just saying there is room for improvement, that's all

I really just do not like the word love.

I no longer know what that word means or what the emotion feels like and i'd like to keep it that way honestly.

talking about feelings makes me uncomfortable these days...

i'm just always so uneasy

A voice of the past

I really hate when people from my past tell me they miss me. It's awkward for me seeing as how I never feel the same way. haha Not to be a bitch or anything but I am just so much happier where I am now than where I was when they were a part of my life. I just feel like if I was meant to be a part of your life it would have worked out and it didn't so you should probably move on already.

I don't know...maybe I am just different when it comes to letting go. It has always been easy for me to do so. If I don't want something I don't stick around just to wait and find something better. I don't like when people play with my emotions so I don't do it to other people. I'll fight for what I want but I wont settle for what I don't.

I found it really weird when I was having a talk with a voice of the past, so to speak, that he has completely changed because of me. Sorry that you were too much of a nice guy for me but when I told you that I didn't expect you to turn into the biggest asshole ever. That isn't what girls want either kid.

WHEN YOU FIND THE RIGHT ONE YOU WONT HAVE TO CHANGE WHO YOU ARE TO BE WITH THEM

He is with this new girl now, has been for about a year. He isn't happy with her he is just sticking around until he finds someone better....that is exactly what he told me. It really makes me wonder about some things. Is this what the world has come to? Do we just hold on to what we have until someone or something better comes a long? I realize that for some people letting go is hard but why would you waste your time? If you don't see a future between you and your signifigant other then why would you stay with them? I was slightly baffled when he told me he would never marry her yet he loved her...How can you love someone when you don't see yourself being with them forever or having a future at all?

Basically, what it comes down to is this...it's what we like to call friends with benefits. haha I mean everyone does it or has anyways. I myself have been there and sometimes it takes longer to realize it than other things. I just don't understand why people hold on when really they just need to let go.

I just feel like if you don't see it going somewhere and you don't want it to go somewhere then you shouldn't waste your or your signifigant others' time. Why would you sit around and be with someone if that isn't what you want? I just can't phathom that. I realize that sometimes it's a comfort thing...trust me, I have done that as well. Eventually though, you need to wake up and realize what is really going on.

Don't sit around and hold on to something just because you want someone there or you need attention. That is just ridiculous. You should be with someone because you want to and because you see the potential of a future with them. Don't waste your time and lead someone else on, it's not fair to the other person in the situation or to yourself really.

I am slightly indifferent about this...I mean, do we really just hold on when we know we shouldn't because we don't want to be lonely? Do we really get "stuck" so to speak with someone? Are we that insecure and dependent that we have to hold on until someone better comes along because we can't be on our own?

I wonder how many guys really do this exact thing...

If you don't want it then let go of it. It's as simple as that...it really is.

And if you are still thinking about me and how i am supposedly "the one that got away" then you should have never got in another relationship to begin with.

Sorry to break your heart, again...but it's just not there. It never was and I didn't want it then and I really don't want it now.

I couldn't be any happier than where I am at right now and who I am with right now.

This whole conversation really made me think...are guys really this shallow and dependent and lonely? I guess these are questions that only time can develop the answers.

One thing I know for sure, I love where I am at right now and I love who I am with right now. I've found someone completely amazing and I'll fight for it if I have to because I want this more than I've ever wanted anything before. <3

amused

all this chaos in my house is really quite amusing.

hahaha I just can't stop laughing. (:



EDIT:
Obviously I thought this was something more than it ever was
because come to find out it's not real...I'm not real
I guess the feelings aren't real either. W O R D

well it's nice to know where I stand
fixing some things up and turning myself around.

The high only last for so long
and when i start to come down
it hits me hard


Slowly drifting away
I need an exit
and quick











I really just wanted some good quality alone time
It never seems to work out that way though
There is always someone or something in the way
Guess I better get use to it though
Even when we're alone...
we are never really a l o n e

I'm so happy

it's disgusting.


:D