start tonight and don't end until monday! Liquor, boyfriend & best friends, ahh I can't wait!
I'm so excited to spend the next 4 days with the people who mean the most to me. (:
Hopefully this will be the best birthday yet. I mean, I'm 21! (sunday)
I'll post pictures sometime next week when I have my head back on straight!
Here's to having the best weekend ever with the best friends ever <3
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
black vs. white
I don't think people realize how ignorant they sound when they make comments about the opposite race. We are all people, one in the same regardless of what color your skin may be.
I really hate close-minded people.
I really hate close-minded people.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Regret
Spring fling in summer breeze fall back to what you always knew you wanted.
I've never really regretted anything, until now. I try to block it out mentally but my subconscious gets the best of me. Now I have to live with the fact that I am now just like everyone else I know. I've never been "THAT" girl...well I never was, until this summer. This might sound dumb to some people but I was always really proud that I wasn't like all the rest. So much for that..
I have this reoccurring dream about it. It plays out in my head so vividly. I regret letting him get the best of me when I was at my worst. I regret falling for all the empty words, Even though I knew what was really going on the whole time. I regret being so dumb and making such poor decisions. Most of all I regret doing what I did and hurting who I did in the process. Out of everything I hurt myself the most though. Hearing "I've lost a lot of respect for you" is probably the worst part of it all. Those words hurt the most. Not the emotional roller coaster I was on, not the being used or taken advantage of but those words...
If I could take it all back I would, in a heartbeat. It's a blur really. I've tried so hard to block it out that I almost forget it happens until someone makes a comment in reference to it or mentions his name. I hate talking about it and I wont.
Throughout it all I hurt more people than I ever intended to. I'm sorry. If I could take it back I would, In a h e a r t b e a t
I've never really regretted anything, until now. I try to block it out mentally but my subconscious gets the best of me. Now I have to live with the fact that I am now just like everyone else I know. I've never been "THAT" girl...well I never was, until this summer. This might sound dumb to some people but I was always really proud that I wasn't like all the rest. So much for that..
I have this reoccurring dream about it. It plays out in my head so vividly. I regret letting him get the best of me when I was at my worst. I regret falling for all the empty words, Even though I knew what was really going on the whole time. I regret being so dumb and making such poor decisions. Most of all I regret doing what I did and hurting who I did in the process. Out of everything I hurt myself the most though. Hearing "I've lost a lot of respect for you" is probably the worst part of it all. Those words hurt the most. Not the emotional roller coaster I was on, not the being used or taken advantage of but those words...
If I could take it all back I would, in a heartbeat. It's a blur really. I've tried so hard to block it out that I almost forget it happens until someone makes a comment in reference to it or mentions his name. I hate talking about it and I wont.
Throughout it all I hurt more people than I ever intended to. I'm sorry. If I could take it back I would, In a h e a r t b e a t
Monday, October 19, 2009
Some thoughts are well worth our time
If we ever find out
what this is all about
these thoughts were well worth our time...
I think out of everyone I know I have by far the weirdest thoughts. These odd, random, sometimes disturbing thoughts run through my mind. I'm not quite sure what it all means. What does it mean when you constantly think of possible ways to be attacked when crossing the street at 3am from your car to the front door? Or always feeling like someone is breathing down your back. I have this weird phobia of people being close to me or following me. I don't like being touched, at all. I'm really reluctant to get close to anyone I don't know well. I just always feel like someone is one step behind me just waiting to attack at any second. I get really paranoid when a car pulls up behind me late at night or even if someone pulls up to me at a stop light and looks over at me. It always happens to be someone who just looks like a creep. I'm starting to think my childhood has a lot to do with my constant paranoia. I'm not quite sure it will ever stop haunting me. That night six years ago. It's hard to believe how much you can block out certain things but the one thing you wish to forget forever you can't block out the least bit. I have dreams about it, or nightmares rather.
Anyway, I have all these colorful images in my head. I just want to push a button and print them all out to share with anyone who would care to see them. Maybe then people would understand me better, maybe if they got a good look at what really went on in my mind they would see inside who I really am. I can't even explain it really, they are just these odd, vivid images with stories I couldn't even begin to put into words. The past 21 years of experiences have a lot to do with it. My childhood was rather, uhm..i'm not quite sure what the perfect word would be...it was just interesting to say the least. No more eventful than anyone else's I would say. Everyone has their share of problems, it just depends on how they choose to deal with them. I don't think I have ever really dealt with mine. I just keep going with things as if they never happened and that's not healthy. Each image has a part of my past entangled within it in a strange fashion. It's really rather beautiful in a way, I just wish I could share them with someone.
"You never find yourself until you face the truth"
But what do you do if you're scared to do so. There are so many unanswered questions. I try to find the right time to ask or the right way to ask and someone always gets angry about it. I don't want to cause any problems with my parents I just want answers for all the secrets from my childhood. I think after 21 years I deserve it. I guess they don't feel the say way though. My mom will never be able to face the reality of it and that's what makes me lose respect for her.
If you couldn't tell, my mind is really all over the place today and well, everyday really. When I am not thinking about my life I start thinking about the most random things. A lot of the times I think up all these weird, outrageous "what ifs" I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just insecure and it's my way of dealing with it? Or maybe I'm just bored? I don't know really.
off topic:[even though this whole blog is really rather off topic]
I'm in my third MOD for school. Only four more to go after this one and then I am done for good. I don't know, I was really excited to be done with school but to be completely honest....I'm so nervous. It's going by so fast, I don't know that I am ready to be done with being a student. After all, it's all I have known for the last 16 years.
I'm nervous to leave my job and start a new one. I've been at CHUBB for the last 4.5 years. Starting somewhere new where I don't know anyone and am not an "expert" in my line of work is a scary thought. I think I am ready for it though. It really is time to start a new chapter in my life. I wont lie, I am extremely nervous but I am excited at the same time.
I wanna get the new tattoo that Justin designed for me. I think maybe after my birthday I will go do that. Once money isn't so tight.
Sam turns 21 Saturday, I'm going to Richmond to celebrate with her. RVA get ready for the shitshow. We will be doing the same thing back at the beach the following weekend. Life is pretty good right now. Well, for the most part that is.
BTW: The whole OMGZ LETS GET HiiiiGH thing is really getting old. I'm done with it. I'm starting to realize just how dumb people seem when they are high and I don't want to be like that.
I'm pretty sure i contradicted myself all through out this post. Oh well.
what this is all about
these thoughts were well worth our time...
I think out of everyone I know I have by far the weirdest thoughts. These odd, random, sometimes disturbing thoughts run through my mind. I'm not quite sure what it all means. What does it mean when you constantly think of possible ways to be attacked when crossing the street at 3am from your car to the front door? Or always feeling like someone is breathing down your back. I have this weird phobia of people being close to me or following me. I don't like being touched, at all. I'm really reluctant to get close to anyone I don't know well. I just always feel like someone is one step behind me just waiting to attack at any second. I get really paranoid when a car pulls up behind me late at night or even if someone pulls up to me at a stop light and looks over at me. It always happens to be someone who just looks like a creep. I'm starting to think my childhood has a lot to do with my constant paranoia. I'm not quite sure it will ever stop haunting me. That night six years ago. It's hard to believe how much you can block out certain things but the one thing you wish to forget forever you can't block out the least bit. I have dreams about it, or nightmares rather.
Anyway, I have all these colorful images in my head. I just want to push a button and print them all out to share with anyone who would care to see them. Maybe then people would understand me better, maybe if they got a good look at what really went on in my mind they would see inside who I really am. I can't even explain it really, they are just these odd, vivid images with stories I couldn't even begin to put into words. The past 21 years of experiences have a lot to do with it. My childhood was rather, uhm..i'm not quite sure what the perfect word would be...it was just interesting to say the least. No more eventful than anyone else's I would say. Everyone has their share of problems, it just depends on how they choose to deal with them. I don't think I have ever really dealt with mine. I just keep going with things as if they never happened and that's not healthy. Each image has a part of my past entangled within it in a strange fashion. It's really rather beautiful in a way, I just wish I could share them with someone.
"You never find yourself until you face the truth"
But what do you do if you're scared to do so. There are so many unanswered questions. I try to find the right time to ask or the right way to ask and someone always gets angry about it. I don't want to cause any problems with my parents I just want answers for all the secrets from my childhood. I think after 21 years I deserve it. I guess they don't feel the say way though. My mom will never be able to face the reality of it and that's what makes me lose respect for her.
If you couldn't tell, my mind is really all over the place today and well, everyday really. When I am not thinking about my life I start thinking about the most random things. A lot of the times I think up all these weird, outrageous "what ifs" I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just insecure and it's my way of dealing with it? Or maybe I'm just bored? I don't know really.
off topic:[even though this whole blog is really rather off topic]
I'm in my third MOD for school. Only four more to go after this one and then I am done for good. I don't know, I was really excited to be done with school but to be completely honest....I'm so nervous. It's going by so fast, I don't know that I am ready to be done with being a student. After all, it's all I have known for the last 16 years.
I'm nervous to leave my job and start a new one. I've been at CHUBB for the last 4.5 years. Starting somewhere new where I don't know anyone and am not an "expert" in my line of work is a scary thought. I think I am ready for it though. It really is time to start a new chapter in my life. I wont lie, I am extremely nervous but I am excited at the same time.
I wanna get the new tattoo that Justin designed for me. I think maybe after my birthday I will go do that. Once money isn't so tight.
Sam turns 21 Saturday, I'm going to Richmond to celebrate with her. RVA get ready for the shitshow. We will be doing the same thing back at the beach the following weekend. Life is pretty good right now. Well, for the most part that is.
BTW: The whole OMGZ LETS GET HiiiiGH thing is really getting old. I'm done with it. I'm starting to realize just how dumb people seem when they are high and I don't want to be like that.
I'm pretty sure i contradicted myself all through out this post. Oh well.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Fast Forward
Why is everyone is such a hurry to have kids and get married?! I feel like everyone around me either has kids, is having kids, getting married or some sort of combination. While I really like the idea of being settled, I'm just not ready for things to be THAT serious. I'm barely 21 and there are so many things I want to do before I have children and get married. I don't know... It's just crazy to see all the people I have grown up with all settled down and starting families. I know that I myself need to grow up before I can teach someone else how to.
To each his/her own I suppose.
[sn]: I'm really warming up to the military situation/idea. I'm in it for the long run, I'll go wherever you are. (:
To each his/her own I suppose.
[sn]: I'm really warming up to the military situation/idea. I'm in it for the long run, I'll go wherever you are. (:
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
forget my name, forget my face
I think it's gonna rain and this never ends!
That song has been stuck in my head for weeks. Thursday has always been one of my favorites.
After last nights class I am feeling rather inspired. I really want to go on mission trips and give back to the community. I think it would be an amazing experience to go to third world countries and help those who have lives far more difficult than my own. It would be quite a journey. I think I am going to look into it once I am done with school and actually have time to go. In the mean time I want to start volunteering around the tidewater area. I don't have much "free" time as it is but at least what I do have would be spent making someone ese's life better. It's a rewarding experience, knowing that you have impacted someones life and made it better for them. (: I can't wait to start!
As far as my life these days, I just don't know what to say. I don't think things could possibly get any better. I finally know what I want and have most of what is attainable at this current point in time. I think I am the happiest I have ever been, seriously. Work is getting better and better, class is more motivating and inspiring than ever and things with Branden are fabulous. I have it all, all at once...I have everything I could possibly want right now. It honestly feels like a dream, I never want to wake up. I wish things could be this good all of the time.
<3
That song has been stuck in my head for weeks. Thursday has always been one of my favorites.
After last nights class I am feeling rather inspired. I really want to go on mission trips and give back to the community. I think it would be an amazing experience to go to third world countries and help those who have lives far more difficult than my own. It would be quite a journey. I think I am going to look into it once I am done with school and actually have time to go. In the mean time I want to start volunteering around the tidewater area. I don't have much "free" time as it is but at least what I do have would be spent making someone ese's life better. It's a rewarding experience, knowing that you have impacted someones life and made it better for them. (: I can't wait to start!
As far as my life these days, I just don't know what to say. I don't think things could possibly get any better. I finally know what I want and have most of what is attainable at this current point in time. I think I am the happiest I have ever been, seriously. Work is getting better and better, class is more motivating and inspiring than ever and things with Branden are fabulous. I have it all, all at once...I have everything I could possibly want right now. It honestly feels like a dream, I never want to wake up. I wish things could be this good all of the time.
<3
Monday, October 12, 2009
unnoticed
I really hope my efforts aren't going unnoticed. I'm seeing the improvement, I hope someone else out there can see it as well.
I'm the happiest I've ever been. Life has never been this good, I hope it is here to stay.I think I deserve that much at least.
I'm the happiest I've ever been. Life has never been this good, I hope it is here to stay.I think I deserve that much at least.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
No one ever really lets go
Or owns up to their own faults. It has been brought to my attention recently just how much people look for any excuse to blame someone or something else for their actions, mistakes or problems. You spend all this time over analyzing a situation looking for some other excuse as to why you did what you did or why you are in the predicament that you are. Truth is, when it comes down to it.. the root of the problem is within yourself.
I guess it's just easier to blame someone or something else rather than accepting the fault. It's understandable, we've all been there. I know I have but I can honestly say, I am living life probably the most honest that I ever have. I'm not out to hurt anyone but I'm not going to lie about it to save your feelings. That's just not me anyone. It's not about pleasing you, it's about pleasing myself and accepting who I am.
Take it or leave it but seriously own up to your own actions and faults. No one else is going to do it for you. Stop pointing the finger unless you can look in the mirror and not hate yourself for it.
Each day it gets a little easier to face myself.
I guess it's just easier to blame someone or something else rather than accepting the fault. It's understandable, we've all been there. I know I have but I can honestly say, I am living life probably the most honest that I ever have. I'm not out to hurt anyone but I'm not going to lie about it to save your feelings. That's just not me anyone. It's not about pleasing you, it's about pleasing myself and accepting who I am.
Take it or leave it but seriously own up to your own actions and faults. No one else is going to do it for you. Stop pointing the finger unless you can look in the mirror and not hate yourself for it.
Each day it gets a little easier to face myself.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
mixed signals
whatdafuckevanigga
There is so much wrong with this situation, it isn't even funny. Some people just need to learn to grow up, Seriously. (:
There is so much wrong with this situation, it isn't even funny. Some people just need to learn to grow up, Seriously. (:
Friday, October 2, 2009
It means a little less
every time you let the words fall from your lips, let your fingers type it or write it down on paper. It's meaningless.
Jay comes home soon! (:
I really just can't wait!
Jay comes home soon! (:
I really just can't wait!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Aint stressin' it
It's a new month, time for something new.
My birthday is in exactly one month! (: soo stoked. Not that being 21 is really a big deal when you've been drinking since like 8th grade anyway. haha But it'll be fun to go out with my "older" friends every now and then.
B, Court and I have really gotten serious about finding a house. It's so exciting. Mom and I have been out shopping for home decor and such. I really just can't wait. (:
My birthday is in exactly one month! (: soo stoked. Not that being 21 is really a big deal when you've been drinking since like 8th grade anyway. haha But it'll be fun to go out with my "older" friends every now and then.
B, Court and I have really gotten serious about finding a house. It's so exciting. Mom and I have been out shopping for home decor and such. I really just can't wait. (:
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