002.

re-inventing my exit, yeap. Just call me MS. LEADING. It's what I do best, or so they say...

It's currently 1247am on tuesday and well, I can't sleep. Those demons I referred to in my previous blog , yea..they are haunting me at this very moment. I've been robbed of my innocence, it's hard to not think about it. i guess that's good though, I've finally stopped blocking it out and am dealing with the emotional and physical toll it took on me, my body, my youth and my outlook on life. Honestly, you'd think I would be use to it by now. I'm not. To be quite forward, I hope this is one feeling I never get use to. I don't want to give up on fighting it. It may be an uphill battle but right now I feel like I can take on the world. Ha yea, we will see how that turns out.

I just don't want to ruin my new relationships the way I have my old ones. I worry a lot. Mostly about things I really have no reason to. I guess I have just set such high expectations for everyone who wants to be a part of my life that I'm killing myself trying to live up to them as well.

Someone once told me that they were watching me destroy myself right in front of their eyes..well, they were right. They were , they did. They helped bring me there though so who is the better person ? Ijust want to thank you for bringing out the worst in me. It really helped me find who I am and strive to be a better person. I'd like to think that I have already shown great improvement, but who am I to judge?

Recently I've met quite possibly the most beautiful person on the face of the earth. While I haven't known jake long at all, I'm enjoying getting to know him. I've never really been around anyone like him. He's mature, intelligent, a huge sweetheart and so much fun. He's good company and really good conversation. Oh! And quite possibly the only guy I've ever shared a bed with that didn't try to get in my pants! I'm pretty stoked on that, you have no idea. While I'm not looking for this to develop into anything more than what it is now, I am hoping to not screw myself out of a friendship with such an amazing person.

I seem to do a great job of pushing away the good, positive, influential people in my life. Let's see how this goes. Starting new?

Cross your fingers ox


After feeling like I was detoxing all day today, well yesterday rather, never again will I mix adderall, two cups of coffee and a mountain dew together. NEVER again. I've never felt like such a druggie. I was so "strung out" heartbeat was racing, i was sweating, cold and hot at the exact same time. While being sick contributed to some of this, it was not the soul cause. I think I'm done trying to keep up with the "jones'"

Oh and uhh...
Dear Xanax,
go fuck yourself.
good day
<3 Nicole

The words I miss you have never fallen off my lips so effortlessly. I really do, you know, miss you. Not in a relationship sense because that chapter in our book has came and went but as my best friend. I don't know how I feel about our situation, or if we can even really be best friends again right now. However, I would like to mend my friendship with you. Step by step, day by day. I can't handle much more than that.


Any feeling is better than feeling numb.



bee tee dubs, typing all of this on my phone was quite a task. gaah, my thumbs are tired. :( ha