I just want you to know that i don't care if you think i am a shitty person.
I don't care what you have to say about me or the mistakes i have made.
I'm not perfect, but here's a secret: NEITHER ARE YOU
Talk all the shit you want to.
You don't know shit about me.
You don't mean shit to me and neither does your opinion.
You may be his friend but he is the only one that matters.

Maybe i just like the things he says
Maybe his thoughts are exactly like mine
and that is why i am so interested
Maybe reading what he has to say
gives me a better sense of self being
Maybe he just makes me feel
like I'm not alone
and I'm not the only one
who has these feelings or thoughts.

I don't ever want to meet him in person
I just want to continue reading what he writes
Because he makes me feel normal...
or atleast somewhat close to it.

FUCK YOU FOR TURNING THIS INTO SOMETHING IT ISN'T
FUCK YOU FOR MAKING HIM THINK OTHER WISE

I mean, I'm far from perfect and yeah, i have made a few mistakes thus far
but stop making me out to be someone i'm not. I'm pretty sure that no one really understands me or the way that i think or why i am the way i am. I guess this is all my fault because i don't oen up to anyone. Here's a secret....IM SCARED. My whole life i told myself that when i was in a relationship i wanted it to be just like my parents because they have always been so "in love" and i am finding out and have known for quite some time, that if it weren't for me when i was younger my parents wouldn't even be together. While it is nice to know that i am what kept them together it is shitty to know that i am the only reason they "fixed" things, or whatever you wanna call it. I have live the last nine years of my life in denial and i refuse to do so anymore. I don't care if you don't like me and i don't care if you think i am a shitty person. I'm scared of being "in love" i will admit that much. The one time i thought i was was just a bullshit waste of two years. I mean, i learned a lot but it completely scared me and i don't know if i'm ready to be that close to anyone. Maybe that is why i don't even know it when i am doing the dumb things i do. Maybe that is my heart trying to push you away...i don't know. I don't know anything...i don't know what i want out of life or from anyone who is still in my life. However, i do know that i NEED you in my life because you are the only thing that holds me together right now. I'm sorry if you don't feel like i do, but i am letting you know that I DO NEED YOU. I'm trying to be a better person and obviously i am just not capable because every time i turn around i am fucking up in some sort of way.

Someone told me:
"If you aren't happy with yourself then you can't make someone else happy being with you."
I am happy with myself and i am happy with you.
I'm not happy with a lot that goes on in my life and one day you might understand that.

I've come to realize that i don't respect anyone in my family.

My brother is a fucking mess and i don't ever think he will amount to anything or make anything out of his life. It's a down hill battle with him and he is never going to win and neither am i. I'd be lying if i said i wasn't jealous of other people and their relationships with their siblings...i want that. I once had it but it's lost and i don't think i'll ever get it back. I have a lot of resentment inside of me because of him and i don't know if that will ever change. He has impacted my life in so many ways...mostly bad but the bad ways encourage me to be a better person.

My father, he has always been there and has always been a great person. He never missed the important things in my life and has always been very loving. I'm sure you don't understand why i have little to no respect for him but the select few that know the whole story understand why. While he has always palyed a huge role in my life he hasn't played a role at all in my half sister's and that really bothers me. I feel like he should atleast own up to the fact that he had a kid with someone else after being married to my mother and having two children. I mean, how do you sleep at night knowing that to her you are nothing more than a dead beat dad who sends a check in the mail but that's it? I just don't get it and for you to sit there and say that you are in love with my mom? You have got to be kidding. I don't hold it against you completely...but it has really made me lose respect for you. You are better than that, you have proved it to me...why can't you prove it to her?

My mother on the other hand, she has got to be the strongest person i know. She has been through so much between my father cheating and my brother fucking up left and right and even i have had my fair share of shitty moments, don't we all? I admire her and the fact that she has put up with so much and has stayed strong for our family and well, me mostly. I have lost some respect however due to the fact that she just let everything happen. How can you just left "the love of your life" do something like that to you and just be ok with it? Not saying she is ok with it but i mean...she stuck around..because of us kids mostly.

I have a right to know about my half sister. I mean i don't even know her name or how old she is. I want to know, i've wanted to know for the past nine years. I've questioned it a lot recently, i'm guessing because my relationship with my brother is so shitty but i don't really know. All i know is i have these nightmares about her. I just want closure, answers, the truth. I just want some sort of knowledge on the whole thing. I mean it would be nice to not have to act like nothing ever happened and like my life was perfect...because it isn't. It as well as i am far from perfect.

I have a lot built up inside of me and no one to talk to about it who wont judge me. Atleast, that's how i feel about it.

I don't mean to take things out on you and i don't want to, i do it without realizing it and that really scares me. I'm sorry.

You deserve so much better
I wish i was a better person
maybe then i could sleep at night.

I'm starting to realize why i am the way i am.
I'm not happy about it and i plan on making some changes.
I'm not saying i hate my life or anything because i feel like if it weren't for everything i have been through and experienced i wouldn't be who i am today but changes need to be made. I can't change anything that has happened so i need to start with myself.

I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
You mean a lot to me and i can't blame you for feeling the way you do
I have some proving to do and i guess i should start now
or rather i should have started a while ago.
I'm sorry for everything...