Some thoughts are well worth our time

If we ever find out
what this is all about
these thoughts were well worth our time...


I think out of everyone I know I have by far the weirdest thoughts. These odd, random, sometimes disturbing thoughts run through my mind. I'm not quite sure what it all means. What does it mean when you constantly think of possible ways to be attacked when crossing the street at 3am from your car to the front door? Or always feeling like someone is breathing down your back. I have this weird phobia of people being close to me or following me. I don't like being touched, at all. I'm really reluctant to get close to anyone I don't know well. I just always feel like someone is one step behind me just waiting to attack at any second. I get really paranoid when a car pulls up behind me late at night or even if someone pulls up to me at a stop light and looks over at me. It always happens to be someone who just looks like a creep. I'm starting to think my childhood has a lot to do with my constant paranoia. I'm not quite sure it will ever stop haunting me. That night six years ago. It's hard to believe how much you can block out certain things but the one thing you wish to forget forever you can't block out the least bit. I have dreams about it, or nightmares rather.

Anyway, I have all these colorful images in my head. I just want to push a button and print them all out to share with anyone who would care to see them. Maybe then people would understand me better, maybe if they got a good look at what really went on in my mind they would see inside who I really am. I can't even explain it really, they are just these odd, vivid images with stories I couldn't even begin to put into words. The past 21 years of experiences have a lot to do with it. My childhood was rather, uhm..i'm not quite sure what the perfect word would be...it was just interesting to say the least. No more eventful than anyone else's I would say. Everyone has their share of problems, it just depends on how they choose to deal with them. I don't think I have ever really dealt with mine. I just keep going with things as if they never happened and that's not healthy. Each image has a part of my past entangled within it in a strange fashion. It's really rather beautiful in a way, I just wish I could share them with someone.

"You never find yourself until you face the truth"

But what do you do if you're scared to do so. There are so many unanswered questions. I try to find the right time to ask or the right way to ask and someone always gets angry about it. I don't want to cause any problems with my parents I just want answers for all the secrets from my childhood. I think after 21 years I deserve it. I guess they don't feel the say way though. My mom will never be able to face the reality of it and that's what makes me lose respect for her.

If you couldn't tell, my mind is really all over the place today and well, everyday really. When I am not thinking about my life I start thinking about the most random things. A lot of the times I think up all these weird, outrageous "what ifs" I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm just insecure and it's my way of dealing with it? Or maybe I'm just bored? I don't know really.

off topic:[even though this whole blog is really rather off topic]
I'm in my third MOD for school. Only four more to go after this one and then I am done for good. I don't know, I was really excited to be done with school but to be completely honest....I'm so nervous. It's going by so fast, I don't know that I am ready to be done with being a student. After all, it's all I have known for the last 16 years.

I'm nervous to leave my job and start a new one. I've been at CHUBB for the last 4.5 years. Starting somewhere new where I don't know anyone and am not an "expert" in my line of work is a scary thought. I think I am ready for it though. It really is time to start a new chapter in my life. I wont lie, I am extremely nervous but I am excited at the same time.

I wanna get the new tattoo that Justin designed for me. I think maybe after my birthday I will go do that. Once money isn't so tight.

Sam turns 21 Saturday, I'm going to Richmond to celebrate with her. RVA get ready for the shitshow. We will be doing the same thing back at the beach the following weekend. Life is pretty good right now. Well, for the most part that is.

BTW: The whole OMGZ LETS GET HiiiiGH thing is really getting old. I'm done with it. I'm starting to realize just how dumb people seem when they are high and I don't want to be like that.


I'm pretty sure i contradicted myself all through out this post. Oh well.