false pretense

WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?!

I'm tired of being everyones learning experience. The girl who taught them what not to do to a girl and how to treat their NEXT girlfriend. The girl who showed them it was okay to not be scared but it took so long for them to realize it they pushed her out until all of her feelings were gone. I'm just tired of always feeling like second best. WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?! That's all I want to know. I'm fed up with being that girl who shows you how things could be just to get let down. I WANT IT.

I'm starting to think something is wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Am I too awkward? Am I not attractive enough? I know I'm not perfect and I know I make mistakes but dude really?! This is like the fourth guy in a row to tell me how I showed them all this and they know now what mistakes not to make and blah blah blah well I'm happy I taught you something and you gained something from this "learning experience" but I want to be so much more than that. I really want to be so much more than that to someone, I hope one day I am.

It just sucks always feeling like that's all that I am. It's either I'm someones learning experience or they just want to hook up. I don't want either. I want passion and romance and stability. I want to feel needed and appreciated, like someone actually cares. ohh but don't we all? I guess I am just asking for too much. I feel like maybe my expectations are too high? I'm sorry but I know what I want and I refuse to lower my standards for some scum bag. I deserve better than that and I do know that much. My self esteem isn't in the dumps but I'm just over being THAT girl.

All the things that EVERY guy I've ever dated has told me they learned from me, I want that. I want it all. I feel deserving of it. At the least 10 percent of it. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I want it to be my turn.

For once I want to give my all and actually get someone elses in return. I want someone to realize what I mean to them while they are with me, not after the fact that they have completely pushed me out. To make matters worse, I look for comfort in all the wrong people. I don't know why I continue to purposley go for douche bags....ohh but boy do I.

so again I will ask,

When's it going to be my turn?

I hope that when my turn does come around, if it does, that I don't panic and screw it up. I would hate to make someone feel the way I do about all this.




bee tee dubs:::
I know I sound so insecure all through out this but the truth is, I'm so far from it. Those of you who actually know me will know this.